That Thing The Rest of us Do

It's different, what My Friend and I do. We read the blogs written so well by others in the community and sometimes it's a wonderful window into explaining things we cannot. But just as often, if not more often, it's different. We aren't married, we don't live together, our time is so very limited. I am very well spanked, very well satisfied, but it's different. I have 1 hard and fast rule and whether that rule is followed or not is, always, on the honor system because he's not here to view and enforce it. We are connected daily, but most of the time, not in person, so he's not witness to any emotional issues I may be experiencing. It's different because I am so adverse to confrontation and so gun shy about arguements that when I'm in a bad place, I don't show that. That's not dishonesty, that's knowing things will subside on their own and why expose him to that? It's different because of all the past bumps and mistakes and heartbreak we both have had and our absolute determination, individually, before we ever came together, to avoid them again if possible. I see the bigger picture and things that might annoy me are truly not worth even discussing because in the bigger picture they are so inconsequential. It's different because we discuss our own shortcomings ad nauseum when we're in a good place, rather than letting the other discover during the heat of the moment "WoW! You're a total stark raving lunatic! I had no idea you sucked on this level!"
The decisions governing our day to day life don't usually involve the other (although that is slowly evolving). We count on each other to be sounding boards and devils advocates, but the decisions I make around my child, for example, are decisions made strictly on my own or in conjunction with Anti-Christ. The decisions he makes about certain things in his life, he's forthcoming with details, but they aren't my business. Not right now.
Things are evolving. He wants to fix things. I don't want him to. But I'm slowly letting him in and he's allowing me the freedom and space to just be alone with my issues when I need to be, knowing I am letting him in more.
But the spanking? It's about sex and it's about my ants staying asleep and it's about him enjoying dominance. And taken that way, along with the fact that we see each other one night a week and every other weekend, and adding in the fact that we both are determined to also do things regular people do, movies or dinner or evenings with friends or sitting and talking...and how easy it would be to stay naked all the time when we are in our brief time together, yes it's different.
We read these posts about these men who spank their women when they might not want it, but when they definitely realize later they need it and they are grateful to their partners for knowing this. We don't have that kind of time and the way my brain is wired, I ALWAYS need it! :)
However, I realized the other day that I needed some time alone. I had some time alone, not in my car and for more than 20 minutes, 4 months ago. I found the opportunity yesterday. And I had to explain this to My Friend. I know he was a little bummed about it, because we do have such limited time. And as soon as I had arranged it, I regretted it, wanting to be naked and spanked and having sex for 4 more glorious hours. But he didn't bring it up again, other than insisting I do something fun. And I didn't backtrack, knowing it was something I needed although it was feeling less like something I wanted. And it worked like a dream. I went hiking, I took a shower, and then, after Offspring returned, I slept for 10 hours. And I peppered my day with suggestive texts to My Friend, because I love him and I can't stand total disconnect. I have to know he's there and just a send button away. Maybe he knew I needed that. Maybe I knew I needed it even though I didn't want it. Maybe, if I had backtracked, he would have told me to do it anyway. I'm not sure.
My Friend wants to know how xyz that we read on this blog or that post relates to us. Sometimes it doesn't relate at all. Sometimes it relates in a lot of ways. But we're just us and we're still finding out what that means. We've been us for 6 months and the missteps have been very few and far between. He started from Point Zero, having never truly dominated anyone in the past and he's doing a wonderful job. I have never felt so loved and so relaxed and so satisfied (not just sexually) ever. I know it will keep changing, I know things will grow and evolve and I know that we will discuss it, we will find our way, as long as he keeps holding my hand.

Seduction

My friend says he's grateful that he doesn't have to seduce me before each sexual encounter. He tells me to take my clothes off, they're off. He tells me to do something specific to him, it's done. No questions, no debates. He may sense a bit of resistence or hesitation on my part, if I do feel less than in the mood, but it's always a fleeting moment on my way to doing exactly as told. It's true, in the traditional sense, he doesn't have to "seduce me".
But he does.
Everytime he tells me I'm "so" beautiful and goes on about how much he loves my body.
Everytime he assures me that things I see as strange or wrong with my physical reactions to things, sexual or otherwise, are perfectly normal.
Everytime he orders me to get a glass of water for myself because my own physical well being is the last thing on my mind.
When he tells me to take a nap on a car trip because he knows I'm tired.
When he asks what my ultimate fantasy is and I say "8 hours of sleep" and then I'm suddenly getting 8 hours of sleep everytime I am with him and don't have to go to work. If I wake up early, he tells me to go back to sleep and I do.
When I see him making these small, very sweet gestures because he feels just a little guilty about beating me a little harder than he meant to the night or day before.
Everytime he reads my mind, about things sexual or otherwise and I realize we are very much in tune with each other.
When he washes my feet for me because washing your own feet in the shower is very dangerous.
The way he exhales when I tell him I love him and he emits this low, gutteral noise of happiness when I touch him
The way he loves to give me an orgasm, but if it isn't quite working out, suggests I do it myself and feels completely secure in doing so.
The way I've been assured unconditional love despite my crazy life, my crazy family and my crazy mind set
The way he plans for a week and a half to boil an egg on Tuesday (including lists and cross referenced blue prints)
The way he calls me at my first job almost every morning
All of these things and more seduce me, each and every day. His existence in my life seduces me. And all of this, before the spanking is even taken into account.

Paradox

I do not think I'll ever be able to explain why I love pain so much. My Friend doesn't understand it. God love him, he is definitely able to deliver it, but I don't think he gets it. And how can I explain what I don't get either? I can't explain why a wave of lust rolls over me, sitting in my cubicle, typing away, when I think of my bruises or being sore. I have nothing beyond, "It's who I am...it's how I was built..."
Can someone give an actual, logical explanantion for being aroused by lingerie or a certain type of porn or flowers or jewelry? Some people want to have their neck kissed. Is it really different?
By that same token, I have no explanation for why I bursted into tears when My Friend doused me with ice cold water in the shower. The man has spent hour upon hour abusing and violating my body. He has left bruises and welts, he has made me scream and cry, he has refused to stop until I've begged and sometimes not even then. He has called me just about every name you can think of. He has slapped my face. And I have never, ever doubted for a minute, during any of that, his love, his devotion, his passion or his caring. But all I could think of, as I stood in the corner of the shower, was how thoughtless and mean and cruel this action was and how out of character that seemed for him. And for the first time, in 22 weeks, he asked me "Are you mad at me?" and I said Yes. The man has beaten me with one of those rods that you use to close your window blinds. It hurts beyond just about any other kind of pain. (He heard it's the closest simulation to a cane you can fine) but THIS, some cold water, is what finally pissed me off.
And I have absolutely no idea why that is. If I can't explain it to myself, how could I ever explain it to someone else?
Recently, he began delving deep into our local kink community. I have delved in very lightly, mainly tagging along with him a couple times. I dont have the time and honestly, for whatever reason, do not find the entire thing as appealing as he does. But in the end, I'll obviously go where I'm told. But here again, is where the paradox comes into play. These woman, on a stage, bound, beaten, hurt w/ electrical implements, all different methods of discipline and bondage. And they scream, they curse, they cry out and when it's over who is there to comfort and consol them? The people who have been torturing them. It's absolutely the most bizarre and beautiful thing. And it touches me in a way I can't describe either!!
And I only feel the pull of that contradiction in myself in hindsight. Only examining my own situation, away from him, fully clothed and vertical, do I wonder about the fact that nothing is more comforting, after an hour of what can only be defined as abuse of my body, than when he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me to him, to kiss me on the forehead. And he always seems amazed that I don't hold any grudges. I don't resent him. I'm not angry with him. I never doubt his love for me. And doesn't logic dictate that I should?!?!? But I don't.
Maybe it's a screw loose in my brain. Maybe it's absolutely the exact same thing as a housewife in Topeka who likes her neck kissed. Maybe it's some sort of acting out from a trauma long ago, God knows I've got the abandonment issues. Someone told him that a lot of women are acting out past behavior and hoping for a (different)happy ending.
I can't define it, I can't make sense of it, but in pain, bruised and battered, trusting him completely, I feel like I found my happy ending. Just don't ask me to explain it!

Clarifications & Specifications

“Do you want a spanking?”
Early morning, I had to be at work. My Friend’s voice has been described by some as the booming voice of God. Very deep, very sonorous. I’ve always been a sucker for Barry White/Isaac Hayes type voices, luckily! So getting the question with that voice is an extra bonus. And when he asks my answer is always the same,
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
So he rolled me over. And if 19 weeks had taught me nothing, I had learned this. The fact that it was morning and there were legitimate time constraints would mean short, not particularly intense, just enough sting for me to feel it, but ultimately relaxing spanking that would send me to work with a smile on my face.
Um…yeah…apparently I’ve learned nothing in 19 weeks.
It was fairly short, it was intense, it was painful. He was actually holding me down, which he doesn’t usually do and when he stopped, I was literally 1 more swat away from crying, which I don’t usually do. I felt the catch in my throat and a sob was about to leave me if he had hit me one more time.
While I was still laying there, not relaxed, no floating, recovering from the pain, he wanted to know if I was mad and holding it back. And I wasn’t. I don’t put a lot of thought into my own emotions, because usually there are none. Maybe if we were living together, maybe if we were able to implement our relationship choices into our every day life, there would be more emotions on my part. It’s really hard to explain to myself let alone him or anyone else.
I wasn’t angry. Maybe a little confused but not enough to bring it up. And I think it sort of caught him off guard as well, the intensity and aggressiveness with which he went after me. He expressed, very briefly, later, a little remorse. He doesn’t usually do that.
So what does it mean? No idea. All that keeps going through my mind is that if I were mad at him, what sense would that make? I gave myself to him, to do with as he like. Do I want someone who I have to sit down with and say, “I want you to spank me, now…at this intensity, with this instrument, for this long, until I tell you to stop?”
Okay, any spanking is better than no spanking, but I had this, to a certain extent, with Mr. Wonderful and no I do not want it back. I signed up for this, and if this is what it entails so be it. Perhaps next time I get the question, “Do you want a spanking?” I might ask for a few specifics on what he has in mind, maybe clarification as to what exactly he means by “spanking” but I don’t see that happening either. He does as he pleases and while I may not exactly be thrilled with that in a moment, overall it pleases me just fine.

Spanking vs. Orgasm

“Orgasm schmorgasm! Just hit me harder!” these are the words I uttered and keep being reminded of.
My friend, as if I really need to point out, is NOT a switch and has no interest in being submissive. Therefore, in my opinion, as a man (a WONDERFUL man!!) he loves having orgasms. Nothing wrong with that.
He also loves me having orgasms. The people I know would say this is a really nice problem to have (and I’m not calling it a problem).
But there are differences. I am the type of person who has to have a fantasy in her head in order to have an orgasm. If my mind is blank, it won’t happen. And I have a very active fantasy life, so it’s usually not that big a deal, but it is effort. I do have to conjure something up and as My Friend plays my body like a fiddle (BIG GRIN!), if I find what is in my head isn’t working, then I have to draw upon my backlog of other fantasies. (Lately, the recurring theme has been spanking scenarios with 60’s television characters).
My Friend understands that and has never made it seem wrong or odd. In fact, the most wonderful thing about this man is that nothing is wrong. The fact that I can only cum with his fingers, the fact that I can only cum with his fingers in maybe 2 certain areas on my body, the fact that he has a hard time moving his fingers because I clamp his wrist between my thighs with all my might when he’s in the best spot. The fact that my body is so overly sensitive and ticklish and weird. He calls it challenging which makes me love him even more. All this? My body? My orgasms? The fantasies and positioning they require as a result of my screwed up body? It’s complicated.
Spanking is simple. It’s so simple and when I’m being spanked, my mind feels 100% relaxed. Practically blank. I can talk and joke and laugh or yell or cry out or scream, but it’s all just a reaction to him. I don’t have to think about anything. My entire body relaxes, even though it may not seem like it because I’m squirming or moving. I don’t even wonder what’s he going to use next or do next, because I am so detached from my mind. It’s a vacation from everything. I can ride the high for a pretty good chunk of time when he’s done, but it’s not the same, because my mind is revving back up. And that’s okay, because I’ve had my get away.
There is also the fact that a really good spanking gets me so over aroused and it is almost impossible to have an orgasm after that. (I think that’s where the aforementioned “Orgasm Schorgasm!” phrase came into existence).
I love orgasms, don’t get me wrong, but if I don’t get an orgasm, it has never disappointed me. I’m so satisfied from the other things we’re doing; I very rarely have a desire to masturbate anymore.
And honestly, I’m not leaving his house frustrated if I don’t get a spanking (although luckily I rarely leave without 1 or the other), but given the choice, I just always seem to choose the spanking...my vacation from reality and all cognizant thought process. My stress goes away, sometimes only temporarily, but it’s gone. I’m not worried or anxious. It’s like I’m in paradise and all I have to do to get there is bend over.

Ropes

Sometimes there's nothing like being in a relationship with a former Boy Scout!

Emerging from the Happy Dungeon Of Love

Yes my friends, I'm alive and well, as the picture, hopefully proves. 12 weeks and two days into a dream. I always had a sneaking suspicion that My Friend and I would get along really well, given the opportunity to be together and so far I've been proven right. It's scary how well it's going. Talking, sharing, being together, sex, bondage, fantasies and spanking. A LOT of spanking. What more could a small town girl with masochistic tendencies ask for? The bumps have been minor and few. The joy has been big and awesome. And the spanking...well it's there almost every time I see him and the only thing I worry about is an overload of arousal. Yes, what a problem to have!
Basically, I feel like I'm finally getting what I deserve and I think he is too. We're getting our shot at happiness. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. He could run off with some girl he meets in a week (although I seriously doubt it) but right now, in this moment, I am overwhelmed with happiness.
And it's so much fun. He has these rules that are meant mainly to be silly and give him excuses (like he needs any!) to spank me. For example, he decided that every day, even if I'm not going to see him, I am required to wear a skirt or a dress (he likes my legs) unless I get permission from him first to wear pants. That was all well and good until he decided to change the rules and say I had to ask him for permission to wear pants IN PERSON. This has proven a challenge as we don't live together. But he's having a really good time torturing me with it. I'm having a great time getting stress relief spankings at lunch time. I'm enjoying knocking on his door in distress because my car has broken down in this "stranger's" driveway and can he possibly help me?
Time, as it always is with me, is limited. Still have the two jobs, still have the beautiful girl, still working my 12 step program, so we tend to have to MAKE ourselves do things that don't involve sex or spanking. He wants to date me, which is really nice. I emailed him that I had a fantasy, but was worried it was just a little too far out for us. I know he was intrigued at the idea of ANYTHING that would be 2 far out 4 me. So I told him my fantasy was to eat take out food together, then get into my pajamas and read on his couch while he worked on his computer or read or did something.
"And what else?" was his response.
"That's it!" was the reply.
And it worked. A beautiful vanilla night (okay a period of a night) was had by all.
He's started shopping on line for implements and outfits. It's an interesting process that I sometimes feel just involves my body. He's interested in the items, he's purchasing them, he's using my body to do that and mentally assessing each item. And that's all okay. I'm happily just along for the ride with my amazing, wonderful, Dominant Friend.
I'll try to post more as time allows and hope that everyone I've neglected so shamefully (someone should really talk to me about that!) is well.

Annoyance

The things I know:
"What is your safe word?" means things are about to get worse. Whatever came before, yeah, it's going to get worse.

"Please stop" will NEVER stop anything immediately and I am required to repeat it about 5 times. (Please stop NOT being my safe word)

And if I truly have a concern or a worry, I feel that I can bring it up and have complete confidence that it will be heard and weighed and considered (if not always done) and that's great. It's part of what we're doing.

My Friend seems amazed, to a certain extent, at being obeyed, without question and without hesitation. I feel that as time goes on, the amazement will be replaced with an expectation that what he asks will be done. I see the shift slowly happening.
He has asked me, on more than one occasion, if he is sensing annoyance or anger in my face after he's slapped me or hit me particularly hard. The answer has always been, honestly, no. I have never harbored any resentment or anger as a result of the abuse he inflicts upon my body. My annoyances (and in 5 weeks this Thursday, I can probably count them on 1 hand) tend to be more towards the vanilla and luckily, right now, we are talking them out (while I'm tied up). No harm, no foul.
The other morning, I started thinking more about this. At some point I was given a choice to either sleep in or sit in a hot tub. When we woke up, I was asked which I had decided. To be fair, I was non-committal but non-committal with my eyes closed, in the fetal position under the covers. Now I don't expect the man to read my mind, but how many more clues do you need? Then I made the insane decision to go to the bathroom and when I returned, there was a certain sexual act that suddenly required my participation.
As I was performing this, I started wondering...was I annoyed? Would you prefer A or B? Too bad, C it is! Not really annoyed. It certainly wasn't like I was doing something unpleasant. It was good. I'm good at it. He's enjoying it. I usually enjoy it and did not DISLIKE it that morning. But sometimes my mind wanders a bit and I started thinking about being maybe just this side of annoyed, but certainly not enough to bring it up. Why would I? What would it have accomplished? Either an order to continue regardless (which would have been kind of hot) or a discussion about why I was feeling the way I was and where it was coming from and spending our limited time together hashing out a very small annoyance (that may not even be that?)....no I am NOT that girl and do not plan on EVER being.
And that train of thought took me into another train of thought. (I'm a REALLY good multi tasker!). Things seem simpler. There aren't quite so many complications. There still are some, sure, but really, it just seems like there is not as much effort or worry over things that simply don't matter. I'm just not worrying about anything. Now I'm not going to say I was all that much of a worrier before, but honestly, it feels like I can just follow for now, just do what is in front of me (HAHA) and enjoy the ride.
Lately, I'm starting to wonder if, for all my declarations that I don't expect My Friend to read my mind, maybe he really can sometimes. When we were done Sunday, my Friend expressed amazement at having sexual acts performed simply because he states that I am to do them, whether I want to or not.
And for some reason, I began to smile. Exactly. Whether I want to or not. I don't particularly WANT to be whipped with ropes, but I submit. God knows I hate that wooden paddle more than I hate anything on the face of the Earth (so far...My Friend is shopping on line apparently), but something in me propels me forward in my submission. This inexplicable simplicity and sense of calm and happiness that trumps whatever minor, insignificant annoyances that may enter my mind.

Bedtimes & Mothers & Spankings OH MY!

So I have this curfew now. In bed, 10:30pm, Sunday through Thursday and I have to send a text to My Friend as soon as I get there. And I am getting 6 hours of sleep a night, as opposed to 4 which is good. However I find things falling by the wayside because I'm not staying up until midnight doing them!
One thing that has definitely fallen by the wayside is television. I didn't watch all that much before, but in the past 4 weeks I have watched TV exactly twice. 1 episode of Lost (I'm three episodes behind!) and on Wednesday, I decided, it's 9:55pm, I'm going to sit down and watch Glee. Yes, Glee is an hour show, but I have it on DVR, I don't mind fast forwarding to the interesting parts I want to see, completely doable.
Unless you factor in my mother lives with me now. And she was excited I was going to watch the episode. Let me start by saying that she had already watched it! So I watch some, I fast forward through the commercials & I hear,
"Ohhh!! Can we watch that commercial?!?!?" she asks.
"No." I continue to fast forward.
"Oh this is a good part!" 5 minutes later. "WHY R U fast forwarding!?!?!"
"Mom, you've already seen this! Just let me watch it the way I want to!" I hit fast forward harder.
10 minutes later, "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS PART!"
It is now 10:22. "NO I DON'T!!! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Time is my enemy now. I've seen what My Friend can do when he's HAPPY with me. I'm not going to let myself get put in the position of actual punishment and I'll be DAMNED if I let my mother drag me there either! It's bad enough I'm putting in eye drops and taking off my make up laying in bed in the dark because it's 10:32 and I'm desperately pushing pee out of my bladder at 10:29, praying my text won't arrive at 10:31. I don't need ANY ADDITIONAL STRESS!!!!!
"I just don't understand why you are watching so little of it!?!"
It was a little difficult to not grab her shoulders and shake her and yell, "Because if I'm not IN bed BY 10:30, my boyfriend is going to spank me...and not a playful one either...a really hard spanking that will have me in tears and agony and unable to sit down comfortably for God knows HOW long now please, in the name of all that is good and holy, LET ME WATCH THIS!!!!"
I didn't. My proclivities remain happily anonymous to my mother...at least for now.

Crazy World

It's a crazy world, I'll tell you that. And anyone who has been on all fours, naked, with a riding crop in their mouth next to a small dog getting a treat knows what I'm talking about. I'm starting to worry about My Friend's Dog and what all this new activity might be doing to his poor little canine psyche, but I guess he's okay. What I actually tell him (the dog) is that upon hearing my cries and whimpers, Lassie would have already gone for help! The sweet little boy just licks my leg and is on his merry way. He and My Friend seem to be of like minds. I knew what I was getting myself into...so quit complaining.
Having an important, meaningful conversation about relationships and life while tied to a chair is an interesting change as well. My Friend and I had a really romantic day, but something he said started bothering me and so by the time we got back to his place, it had grown into a full on potential resentment. I guess maybe bringing it up earlier might have been better. When I'm presenting him with the riding crop (between my teeth) and being told that it pleases him and my brain immediately goes to, "Oh sure it pleases you but not enough to..." then there's an issue. And 3 weeks in, I feel completely comfortable bringing it up and discussing it with him. Which is great.
What is not great? Purple knots on the outside of my thighs from that riding crop. They seemed to go down after My Friend fashioned some ice packs and applied them (our first aftercare!). Did not enjoy the riding crop, but it was manageable. That damn wooden paddle is another story. OH MY GOD!
My Friend has decided to save his belt for actual punishment. Okay, fine. His call. Part of me wonders (and part of me needs to get a new secret blog he doesn't read! :)) if he's thinking the belt is a harsher implement because of the bruise it left (which still hasn't healed)and perhaps it is but that paddle is killing me. And I'm not 100% sure how much of my emotion last night came from the conversation we had before he started paddling me and how much was actual reaction to the horrific pain, but I ended up crying. Actually crying. I was over his "love seat" (I'm thinking we need to rename that particular piece of furniture!) and felt it moving and myself almost crawling over it the first time he hit me. Then came several more and I just couldn't stop. I don't ever cry during spankings. It's just not something I do. But this time I did. And he loved it. I think he had been waiting for it. He had mentioned his desire to kiss away tears and he got his chance.
I think what really got him was that I was crying, I was bruised and swollen on my thighs, my legs were shaking and he told me to bend back over the love seat. And I did. It never occurred to me not to. I made a commitment to submit to him. It is very important to me. He didn't paddle me anymore, but did continue to comment on my complete submission. He seemed pleased which pleased me.
My submission to him is less a fantasy to me than I perhaps led on. And yes it's fast, but he's been studying (aka cyber stalking) for a long time and the trust I have for him is overwhelming (a perk of knowing some1 four years before getting involved) so the submission is easy. I don't always like it, but I do it, because it helps me.
I'm getting some rules now. I have to ask permission to orgasm. (I forgot once and he was kind enough to let it slide) and I also have to be in bed by 1030 and text him when I get there. So this will be the first full week of that and hopefully all will go well. When I emailed him about it, knowing I needed some help, he used the words "new sheriff in town". It was so cute. And a little scary. And so comforting.
It sounds like I might be getting a collar. Walking around, lying around with a belt wound 3 or 4 times around my neck was actually a pretty good look and so My Friend mentioned something about it. We'll see!
Went to church today with dried cum in my hair to teach Sunday School. Yes ladies & gents...a very crazy world...

Comparisons

I started thinking about this the other day while observing this extremely wicked, gruesome bruise on my inner thigh. My Friend used his belt and the results were not pretty. I try really hard not to compare one man to another, but I couldn't help but remember Mr. Wonderful and his belt. The results were fairly similar, horrifically terrible looking bruises but whereas Mr. Wonderful was absolutely beside himself with horror and shame at his actions, unable to conceive that he had caused these welts and marks on my body, My Friend, after checking that I was okay, merely shrugged and commented that more practice was required so that he would have greater control over the belt. More practice? Um...yay???

My 12 Step sponsor says people will tell you who they are. I think what she really means is people will SHOW you who they are. Stay around someone long enough and they'll definitely let you know things, but how often are we able to pick up on them? How willing are we to pick up on them?

I'm still seeing C. He's very funny and I have a great time with him. He's also extremely reluctant to pay compliments. He just doesn't do it. He will tell me I'm very smart and very quick witted and he seems to enjoy that. But I'm a girl. I want to hear I'm pretty! I did get him to say I was pretty once, but I basically made him do it, we were on the phone and he was drunk, so I'm not really counting that.
He's not a big guy on PDAs either. Holding hands, whatever is all pretty much up to me. He kids me about being "all over him" if I want to hold his hand while we're walking. It's funny because he said one of his chief complaints with his ex-wife was her saying "Stop pawing me!" when he would just try and be affectionate. I'm having a hard time picturing that, considering the way he acts around me.
There are other issues...well not really issues, because they don't feel that serious and I think they don't feel that serious because as much as I care about him, as much as I love talking to him, which I do on a daily basis, as much as I want him around...it feels so different from My Friend. It feels like C. and I are these great buddies and right now we're just on this side road of a pseudo-romantic relationship (Romantic being a relative term). There are things that I know would definitely be issues if we were together permanently and exclusively. But I just don't see it that way. But I'm not willing to let go of the romantic part. It is kind of fun. It's also U-Haul Insurance.
My Friend and I keep being reminded, by the droves of mutual friends we have, to take things slow. We keep reminding each other to take things slow. We seem to have defined taking it slow as "No U-Hauls, No Vegas". That's taking it slow. I still struggle with what monogamy means, but I think that may be a way of avoiding the real issue. And the real issue is this: When you love someone, you give them an enormous amount of power. Now I've given My Friend power already. The power to dominate me, the power to control my body, the power to tell me what to do, the power to hurt me, the power to make decisions for me in some senses. But loving someone, saying "I am with you", saying "You are the one for me" involves giving them power to truly hurt you on a much deeper level. The Anti Christ had that power. Mr. Wonderful had that power. In both cases, their power hurt me. When someone really knows you, is truly intimate, they get that power and then it is up to them how they use it. Would My Friend ever use the power to hurt me? It feels like no, but there are no guarantees. In love, in life, there are no guarantees. You need faith, you need courage, and you need amnesia.
I figured out why people keep falling in love. I figured out why people keep getting married. I figured out why people open themselves up to incredible amounts of hurt and pain and make themselves truly vulnerable when 1 in 2 of these things called relationships implode and result in horrific fiery deaths of dreams and expectations and hearts and trust. It's why people try again when someone they love dies. These feelings right here right now. They make you forget a lot of the shit from the past.
People won't understand. Too soon. Slow down. It's too fast. People get enmeshed and people get co-dependent and people get hurt. It happens every day. And a part of me is terrified and a part of me wants to fight and run away from all the potential for pain. But I don't.
I just submit. Every day it gets a little easier. When you hear a voice saying, completely unprompted, "My God you are beautiful.", When someone can barely let you in the door before their hands are all over you, when someone will tell you deep, meaningful things about themselves, thereby giving you your own power to potentially hurt them, then the submission gets a little easier.
I'm still working through and processing all this. I really feel like I have to take into consideration my boundaries, my self care, my past and my future. And at the same time, I have to trust him with the rest of me as much as I trust him with my body.
In the end, giving someone my love is not like hitting someone with a belt. I can practice all I want, but I still don't seem to ever truly gain control.

Masochists and Fantasies

So when does a Spanko become a masochist? My guess is that to most of the general population, we are all masochists right? Pleasure derived from pain is the definition of masochist. I (painfully) sat wondering this today. I'm not just getting spanked anymore. I'm being tied up. I'm being slapped and slammed against walls. I'm crawling on all fours with a riding crop in my teeth. Have I crossed some thresh hold or just finally found the person who will accompany me on my journey? If people in the past had been willing, would I have already been doing all these things? Probably, although I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I am with My Friend (sucking up for a bit of leniency down the line is never a bad thing).
I think it sounds kind of cool. "I'm a practicing masochist." Practicing Masochist. Good band name.
I also had the coolest fantasy this morning and part of me is dying to tell My Friend and part of me is like, nah. I think I decided it might kind of lose something if I tell him. Then it's not something organic, like in my mind. The fantasy certainly isn't something crazy...in fact it's something completely feasible that would be done in public. It's ridiculously mild but would be really effective at getting me mentally aroused. Now I don't expect the poor man to read my mind, but at the same time, spelling it all out, yeah it feels like it would take something away. Not sure. Still pondering.
I was allowed to send him an older fantasy. Recycled is such an ugly word! And I wouldn't send him any fantasies that I had actually acted out with anyone. That would just seem wrong.
Things are definitely moving along. Not sure if I have permission to call it a relationship yet, but to me, if crawling on all fours with a riding crop in your teeth doesn't scream relationship, I don't know what does!

Trust

Okay, so as everyone knows, Mr. Wonderful used to spank me. He was good at it, but it wasn't something I think he was ever 100% comfortable with. He did it for me, which was great, but it never felt like he was that into the whole experience. Ninja definitely seemed to enjoy spanking me, but the guy was so good-natured and easy going he never seemed that interested in any of the other components.

My Friend, I'm prepared to call it, is a definitely Spanko. He says he's never done it before and it sounds like he started with this blog and moved on to other research, but the guy is a natural!
Last night and this morning, for example...me, hands tied behind my back, feet tied, sitting in a chair getting my face slapped (not lightly) and then blindfolded, someone leather (I think) slapping my outer thighs and my tits and then bent over his love seat, still bound, face in the cushions, getting spanked. I was given a safe word which I never used. But it's more than just the bondage and the spanking, it's his attitude. He gets it. He gets the voice tone, he gets the commands, he gets the dynamic of D/s and it is so amazing. This morning, it didn't seem to matter how much he beat on me, I just couldn't get enough. He ever started beating on my vagina and it was not pleasant, but he kept going and I just gritted my teeth and took it. Then after he gave me an orgasm, I just wanted more spanking. I realized that begging him to stop, not meaning a word of it and he knows it, arouses him. The idea that I'm NOT offended if he grabs a handful of my hair and leads me around does not mean disrespect to me and he loves that. I love telling him that there isn't anything he can ask me to do that I won't do and there isn't anything he wants to do to my body that I'll say no to, because above all else, I trust this man so unconditionally.
Now I trusted Mr. Wonderful also, but he was never going to go to the places My Friend seems to want to, so the trust is that much more important and I do trust him with every inch of myself. I trust him to put his hand over my mouth and nose so I can't breath and when I start to struggle, he knows exactly how long to let me before allowing me to breath.
The fact that I feel actual trepidation when driving to his house because I don't know what he's going to do to me, is just the coolest sensation.
Now, at heart, My Friend, I believe, is very much a product of the 60's and 70's, women's liberation movement and he has a lot of female friends, so the issue keeps coming up...respect, objectification, etc. but as time goes on, I think he's realizing that while yes, I want to go out and I want to talk and I want to laugh and I want to spend time with him in decidedly non-sexual situations, that when it comes to this, I am his object. He is what I've been looking for. I think he gets the balance and I think he understands that while I don't want someone to give me a black eye or tell me how to vote, (grabbing me and slamming me up against a wall to kiss me though? Way hot!), I love the orders, I love the occasional disapproval, I love getting my ass smacked in the grocery store. And I love all these things from someone who does respect me, someone who gets the balance and knows how to use it, someone who I would trust with everything I have. That is My Friend.
I was a little worried, in the beginning, that the fact that he had read this blog for so long without my knowing, would strip our whatever it is (he refuses to call it a relationship until we're exclusive and I abide by his wishes)of spontaneity and mystery, it bothered me a little. I asked and he graciously agreed that maybe we could just pretend that he knows these things I like just because he does. Because he is just that insightful and just that in tune with my body, and now, I do believe that is the case. I think he does know and is always asking questions to make sure that I am okay and I am okay. Better than okay. Thank you very much.

Busted!!!

In a house with nothing but women, we are a little lax on the rules of running around 1/2 dressed, so the following conversation, which occurred this morning, feels...inevitable.

"Mom? What are those purple marks?"
Um...
"Someone ran into me and I backed into something..."
My daughter is scary smart...but she's also 9, so occasionally I still have the blessing of being able to get away with something so clearly a lie.
"Did it hurt?"
"It did at the time, but not now..." Okay, that's true!
"Did you say bad words?"
"A few..." Another truth. My Friend actually gets amused when I cuss.
"Did you say Ow?"
"Yes I did..." Big time!!!
"I'll bet!" and she was gone.

However, as the pictures can attest, we are back in business!

Dating

Dates: a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person

Well that's romantic!!! So I spent an hour setting up a very cute, fun profile on plentyoffish.com. Then I had, what can only be described as an aneurysm and I posted this stream of consciousness post on craigslist. (The craigslist ad did have the work spanking in it). This is how I met C. Super cute and just so funny. He's the first person I've ever dated who has been shorter than me (although if we are both barefoot, it's not that noticeable) and he is probably the loudest human being I've ever met in my life. His voice is very loud and gravelly and he tends to shout in a very animated way...well all the time. We seem to click and we're having a good time. He has spanked me, a little. Mostly playful swats, nothing serious. It's fun and free of any baggage. He is divorced, has no kids, just fun to spend time with and makes me laugh and calls me baby, which I like.
I have told my 12 Step Sponsor that the minute I got engaged (or something along those lines) that My Friend I want to date would come calling. Now I am MOST DEFINITELY NOT engaged, but once I started dating C., My Friend came. Turns out he found my blog, a long time ago. So not only is he vaguely aware of my preferences (which I knew), he's been reading about them in great detail, along with the occasional picture. He wants a cool blog name. I'm toying with Captain D. (D. for discipline but then Captain D. is like a fast food restaurant, so that won't work). Anyway, My Friend (sorry, that may be as creative as I can get) decided his mourning period was over (in as much as it ever will be) and that he was ready for a relationship and he wanted that...with me...

Shock? Awe? Uh...to say the least. But I said yes. There was no way I was ever going to say no. Not to him. I've maintained all along that it may blow up in my face, but no...there was never any possibility that I was going to turn him down. Also, in the interest of being honest (my new goal in life), I told him about C. And My Friend seemed fine with it. And so we are dating. I later told C. about My Friend. And he was cool with it too. So now, I am dating two men.

My relationships with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja ran concurrently, but there were vast differences between that pair and the current pair. Mr. Wonderful's schedule was limited, due to his marital status and Ninja lived 90 minutes away in the middle of the woods. I am currently dating two single men. So logistics may become a bit of a challenge, but it is very important to me, right now, to keep them both, to have them both near me, because they are both truly amazing. I'm not getting married, I'm not going to have any kids, I just really want to date both of them.
I'm going out to dinner, I'm walking around book stores holding someone's hand, I'm going hiking, I'm watching movies and going to trivia nights. I'm having fun and laughing and having sex and getting spanked. Again, I can't predict the future and God knows I can't control it. I'm enjoying the present.
I don't have the time or energy to get into the details of my relationship with My Friend tonight, but apparently, recent developments have refeuled my interest in my blog, so maybe there will be more about him to come.

Mr. Wonderful & Ninja both read the blog when they were the central characters in it, so maybe having My Friend read more about himself wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Time will tell, I guess...

April 30 - Mark your Calendars!!!

Hey there everyone! Just wanted to mention that April 30 is National Spank Out Day and while "technically" it is used by organizations all over the world to promote the elimination of spanking as a means to discipline a child...I'm sure we can all come up with better celebration techniques.

WoW!!! I mean...WOW!!!!!!

Now What?

#1: He lives a very long way away. We met on the internet, through Facebook, as all good couples do in the 21st Century. He is married, says its a very happy, fulfilling marriage, but somehow he still wanted email fantasies and phone sex. Nice guy, but this completely screwed up my already messed up perception of monogamy, commitment, etc.

#2: He lives in my state, maybe an hour away. He is married but free to pursue interests outside his marriage, according to him. He is a spanker and found me through my blog. We emailed and chatted and made plans to meet next week to discuss his spanking me. I already told him I would not have sex with him.

#3: An opportunity recently for sex. A very safe situation with very clearly drawn boundaries. An opportunity for physical release more than anything else. The entire experience was physically satisfying and nothing that was done ever crossed a line into unacceptable. But when it was over and I was alone, I got depressed and very upset.

I want to say I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I do. I'm being honest about who I am, and who I am is someone who wants a relationship. This came as quite a shock. Sex and spanking without strings and commitments were going to be the cornerstones of my new single life. And even if I still decided I wanted a relationship, then in the meantime, I would certainly not have any problems having sex with someone I trusted or finding someone to spank me. No worries. Just go with the flow until someone comes along.

This is who I want to be. It's not who I am. I thought I was, but I'm not. I want a relationship. Anything else that comes along is not going to work. Part of the problem is this:
I take up with ABC "just until I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with" and its all well and good, until I convince myself that what I had with ABC is what I really wanted all along and I end up with a relationship that has absolutely nothing I want. Or, more likely, I'll look at the relationship with ABC and think to myself, "Oh I can turn this into exactly what I want...if I just work a little harder..."
Story of my marriage. Story of my life.

A few weeks ago, my friend I would like to date and I were driving to listen to music. It was my 40th birthday. I was asking him if Tiger Woods' wife and Sandra Bullock were really dealt the ultimate betrayal or were they really just women who got sucked into the lie that is monogamy?
He was discussing how he certainly wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship, but he had certain physical needs and then he went on to discuss some pros and cons of a "friends with benefits" situation (not addressing this TO me, more just speaking in generalizations, but it was all I could do to NOT offer myself as a "friend with benefits". I really care for him, I love him, I'm physically attracted to him and then, we went and listened to music and I had a drink (I NEVER drink so it went straight to my head) and he drove me home and it was even harder to not invite him into my empty house, on my 40th birthday. I didn't and I didn't because I don't want to be his friend with benefits. I want to be in a relationship with him. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but I don't want to start out settling for less than I want.

Also, in this situation more than any other, I really will start out with the best of intentions and very clear boundaries which will instantly get muddy. "I already make him laugh, we already share a lot of common interests, so if I can just fuck him well enough and look for the right things to do, I can turn this into a relationship. I can make this work..."

Now I'm not delusional and I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect and I'm not thinking that the first person I meet with be "the one" and all will be roses and whatever. I'm not that far gone. But I'm done going into a relationship that, from day 1, has no future. If they aren't available, I'm not available.

And having sex with someone "temporarily" is not something I want to do. That's hard because I am a sexual person. I want someone to spank my ass, fuck my brains out, let me fuck their brains out and then tell me they love me and kiss me before we go to sleep.

The websites I've found since I started looking for spanking websites, they have skewed my thinking from what it used to be, because so many of them (at least the ones I've looked at), involve people who are doing things that would freak out much of the general population it seems, but at the core are these loving, committed relationships. These people have found them, they have what I want.

And in the meantime, I'm okay alone. Truly. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hold hands with and have sex with and get a spanking from, but I've always been okay alone and I'm still trying to decide what monogamy means, what commitment means, what relationships mean. I'm still trying to figure out some things about myself, so I guess its best to return to my celibacy and figure some things out.

And honestly, I'm just making this up as I go along. There are no hard and fast rules. Am I going to get into a situation that only involves spanking? Right now, no, but if my good friends Todd & Suzy are in town and wanted to visit and spank me, no worries. Would I say no to spanking at a spanking party, probably not. I can't predict the future, I can only do what feels right and all of this is scary and hard and really sucks, but it is all growth for me and really, I think that should always be the ultimate goal.

I don't know where this puts my future and this blog. I just realized that this blog is 1 year old. The first post is dated May 9 but it says I set it up in April, which is probably true. I know I haven't kept up with it since Mr. Wonderful & I parted ways, but I hope all my friends out there keep me in their thoughts as I keep all of you in mine and stay in touch. I may keep posting, just not sure how often. It feels like I've had this blog for years and years and it feels like I just started it yesterday. It has been really helpful in so many ways. I feel more confident in my ability to express what I want. Maybe all this personal growth needed time (and 2-3 dozen good spankings) to really make its mark.

But I can assure all my friends, that by no means, are my spanking days over. They have only just begun.

Rug Beater

(This picture thing is really starting to annoy me!!!)
My friend, I mentioned a while back whom I've known for 4 years, came over for dinner last night. I made dinner and he fixed my IPOD and we had a very pleasant evening. He then noticed three things I had hanging on my fireplace. One was an old fashioned, brass bed warmer, one looks like a brass sauce pan with a very long handle and the third is this. A metal, heart shaped rug beater. But, he pointed out, "I'm sure it can be used for other things..." and we laughed. But if I had a brain in my head, I would have looked at him, smiled and said, "Is that an offer?"
A few weeks ago, we were texting. He was home alone but too tired to come out and as we were texting, I said something a little flip and he texted back "Watch ur mouth or I'll spank u...U know, some other time when I'm not so tired..." and then I proceeded to tease him about being old. He texts or chats these flirty comments about spanking, which he knows I like, but then when we're together, it's strictly platonic. Last night was the first in person reference he had made. And I feel like I blew it. At the same time, its only been 3 months or so since his long term girlfriend passed away. There are times he is clearly grieving and times he appears to be okay (such as last night). I have said all along that if we are meant to be together or to date or to whatever, it will happen when its meant to. But it gets infuriating when he makes these comments but then never follows through. At the same time, I'm scared he'll make an advance and then regret it and resent me if its too soon. So I wait, and I hope, and now I look at my rug beater (its not red but the picture on my phone made it look so) and smile now.
And on a side note, no Todd I would NOT like to try out the rug beater when you're in town. I had this feeling you might offer... :)

Forgetting to remember

If you fall in love with someone and marry them and build a life and and go through all of life's experiences, from buying a home to having a child to unemployment to burying parents, and you realize they don't love you, it's amazing the things you can forget while on that journey.
That you are a person of substance
That you are a good, kind person
That you are smart
That you are sexual
That you have so much to contribute to the world

And if you move on and fall in love again with someone who truly loves you and worships you and makes you feel special every day and then they choose someone else over you and leave, its amazing the things you forget again, 15 weeks later. 15 weeks with no one in your life.

You forget what another person's body feels like
You forget what its like to kiss someone
You forget how to eat lunch with someone
You forget what its like to receive compliments
You forget what its like to have someone hold you
You forget the words. The beautiful words.
You forget your sexual drive

And even if you're happy being on your own, happy to try and figure out how to be alone, relieved to not be waiting for the next fight or waiting for the other shoe to drop and end your relationship, proud to be independent and truly functioning as an adult, working effectively, paying bills on time, raising a child to the best of your ability, it's also easy to forget that it can get lonely. And maybe you don't want to get married again. Maybe the independence and the being alone is the best thing, but it can still get lonely, occasionally. I never thought it would. I enjoy being alone too much to get lonely. But here I am, happily alone and occasionally lonely. That's okay, it'll be what it'll be. I'm just trying not to get caught up in any self pity, because sometimes when you're thinking about all the things that came before, new stuff pops up in the present.

Someone emails you and you find yourself trying to playfully pursue them and you remember that you have a good personality and are an expert flirter!

Someone finds you on Facebook and you email back and forth and are paid several compliments, which reminds you that you are beautiful and vibrant and witty.

Someone tells you they will pay you a visit and you remember what its like to have that physical desire and to want to be with someone and remember that you really enjoy sex and are really pretty good at it.

I don't want to come off as conceited, but what's wrong with remembering my good points? I've learned to do for myself and if that includes saying nice things to myself, so be it. I need to remember that I am a good person and I deserve happiness, in whatever form that takes. Happiness may be me, living alone, forever. Doesn't sound bad, so long as visitors are around for fellowship (naked and otherwise). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling bad. I'm feeling hopeful and hope to remember that feeling in the future.

Mickey Spanking Snow White

http://images50.fotki.com/v399/photos/1/130607/489873/mickeyandsnow-vi.jpg

I can't post the picture because Mickey keeps getting cut off, but view the link and enjoy!

Sarah Silverman's Spanking

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/04/sarah-silvermans-mom-saw_n_449321.html

A very cool clip from David Letterman.

Monogamy Schmonogamy

(It seems I've lost the ability to regulate the pictures I put up. My other blog shows me the picture as I type the body of the entry. This blog (all on blogger) shows me 5 lines that make up the link I guess and then I can't make the pic bigger or smaller...oh well...)

Lately, in my vast amount of celibate time, I have been thinking about the idea of monogamy. I've been thinking about how in 12 years of marriage, I became involved with other people a few times. AntiChrist never found out and we never discussed the idea of monogamy, because for him, I'm sure it was a given, that we were. But even as I spent 1/3 of my life on the ultimately futile task of getting him to love me, I thought on more than one occasion, that if he had approached me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not have had an issue with it. Not in the least. Now that I am on my own and occasionally pondering my future, my mind falls more and more on the idea of polyamory. (Why does blogger/my computer tell me I'm spelling this wrong when I am not, according to dictionary.com?)
Can you be in a loving, committed relationship and NOT practice monogamy? Obviously, like everything in life, from playing bridge to spanking, it depends on the people. It depends on open, honest communication about your needs and desires. Beyond that, I just don't know.
My thoughts turn to my own experiences in relationships with people who were not as available as I would have liked and also Tiger Woods. The press is having a field day crucifying the man. His wife is the stunningly beautiful victim of his insatiable and horrific and selfish desires.
But has anyone thought, well maybe it's her unrealistic adherence to the old interpretation of the wedding vows? Maybe people shouldn't be denied pursuing relationships they find stimulating outside of the relationship they are committed to.
I'm not even sure what is involved anymore, having had 12 years pass since I took any.
"Do you promise to love, honor and cherish..." check, check & check.
I'm not sure people say "Cleave thee only unto her...for as long as you both shall live"
But the interesting thing is this...there are TWO definitions of Cleave, both verbs.
a) To adhere closely to, stick, cling. To remain faithful
b) To split or divide, to penetrate or pass through.

I don't know many ministers who would let you introduce the idea of an open relationship in wedding vows, but we are still a fairly young century and I'm holding out hope!

I feel like I'm in a unique position because my marriage is over and I am completely single, so I am not coming at this with the perspective of someone in the middle of a bad relationship. But it is something that fascinates me.

I love you, I am committed to you (committed...let me pull out the dictionary again)...I want to be in a relationship with you...but if I meet someone who interests me or I'm attracted to, then I want to feel that I am free to pursue that.

It could be argued, I suppose, that this in increasing the possibility of a partner finding someone else, falling in love with them and leaving you. I would argue how many times does that happen when people are pursuing the "traditional monogamous" relationships. How many people, every year, find themselves blindsided and devastated because their hopes and dreams turned out to be built on quicksand? I don't mean to belittle or diminish the pain and suffering these people go through, but what if you entered into serious relationships with it with a little more acceptance of the idea that your partner is going to be attracted to other people, your partner may want to pursue that and you may as well and that's okay?

What if you trust your partner to be honest with you. "I've met this person, I want to see where it goes, but I love you and I want to be with you and I'm being careful..."
I stress the importance of being honest, but of course, playing both sides of the coin, does such an arrangement undermine the commitment you have to your partner? Does it take something away? I'm not saying that a person or their partner should be out screwing everything that moves, but what if having that freedom kept a person from becoming bored and stagnated in their relationship? What if that freedom kept them more interested at home? Just a theory...and like others (lone gunman for example)...it may not pan out.

I'm sure it's easier said than done for most. But would life be easier if it weren't? I'm not big on labels, monogamy, polyamory (although I LOVE the way that word sounds), married, heterosexual, homo, bi-, but these are just the thoughts floating around.

I met someone 4 years ago and he is one of my best friends. We share a lot and he is aware of some of my tastes and preferences, in a sort of vague, general way. Around the same time Mr. Wonderful and I ended, my friend was dealt a devastating loss when his own partner of 14 years or so, was taken from him. I've known for sometime that I had feelings for him, beyond friendship, however I never acted on it because I knew and cared about his partner and they were in a "traditional, monogamous" relationship. So now, although it is way too soon for either of us to really pursue anything romantically (and I'm not sure he's interested although I have a hard time believing he's unaware), I do find myself wondering about the future, not just with him but with anyone I may meet.
"Okay, not only am I going to need you to dominate me, spank me and tie me up, I'm also going to need to be able to see other people, even if we're serious and committed to each other..."
Oh yes...this is going to be interesting!