Monday, May 24, 2010
The things I know:
"What is your safe word?" means things are about to get worse. Whatever came before, yeah, it's going to get worse.
"Please stop" will NEVER stop anything immediately and I am required to repeat it about 5 times. (Please stop NOT being my safe word)
And if I truly have a concern or a worry, I feel that I can bring it up and have complete confidence that it will be heard and weighed and considered (if not always done) and that's great. It's part of what we're doing.
My Friend seems amazed, to a certain extent, at being obeyed, without question and without hesitation. I feel that as time goes on, the amazement will be replaced with an expectation that what he asks will be done. I see the shift slowly happening.
He has asked me, on more than one occasion, if he is sensing annoyance or anger in my face after he's slapped me or hit me particularly hard. The answer has always been, honestly, no. I have never harbored any resentment or anger as a result of the abuse he inflicts upon my body. My annoyances (and in 5 weeks this Thursday, I can probably count them on 1 hand) tend to be more towards the vanilla and luckily, right now, we are talking them out (while I'm tied up). No harm, no foul.
The other morning, I started thinking more about this. At some point I was given a choice to either sleep in or sit in a hot tub. When we woke up, I was asked which I had decided. To be fair, I was non-committal but non-committal with my eyes closed, in the fetal position under the covers. Now I don't expect the man to read my mind, but how many more clues do you need? Then I made the insane decision to go to the bathroom and when I returned, there was a certain sexual act that suddenly required my participation.
As I was performing this, I started wondering...was I annoyed? Would you prefer A or B? Too bad, C it is! Not really annoyed. It certainly wasn't like I was doing something unpleasant. It was good. I'm good at it. He's enjoying it. I usually enjoy it and did not DISLIKE it that morning. But sometimes my mind wanders a bit and I started thinking about being maybe just this side of annoyed, but certainly not enough to bring it up. Why would I? What would it have accomplished? Either an order to continue regardless (which would have been kind of hot) or a discussion about why I was feeling the way I was and where it was coming from and spending our limited time together hashing out a very small annoyance (that may not even be that?)....no I am NOT that girl and do not plan on EVER being.
And that train of thought took me into another train of thought. (I'm a REALLY good multi tasker!). Things seem simpler. There aren't quite so many complications. There still are some, sure, but really, it just seems like there is not as much effort or worry over things that simply don't matter. I'm just not worrying about anything. Now I'm not going to say I was all that much of a worrier before, but honestly, it feels like I can just follow for now, just do what is in front of me (HAHA) and enjoy the ride.
Lately, I'm starting to wonder if, for all my declarations that I don't expect My Friend to read my mind, maybe he really can sometimes. When we were done Sunday, my Friend expressed amazement at having sexual acts performed simply because he states that I am to do them, whether I want to or not.
And for some reason, I began to smile. Exactly. Whether I want to or not. I don't particularly WANT to be whipped with ropes, but I submit. God knows I hate that wooden paddle more than I hate anything on the face of the Earth (so far...My Friend is shopping on line apparently), but something in me propels me forward in my submission. This inexplicable simplicity and sense of calm and happiness that trumps whatever minor, insignificant annoyances that may enter my mind.