Sunday, December 27, 2009

I Miss Sex

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.