Mickey Spanking Snow White

http://images50.fotki.com/v399/photos/1/130607/489873/mickeyandsnow-vi.jpg

I can't post the picture because Mickey keeps getting cut off, but view the link and enjoy!

Sarah Silverman's Spanking

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/04/sarah-silvermans-mom-saw_n_449321.html

A very cool clip from David Letterman.

Monogamy Schmonogamy

(It seems I've lost the ability to regulate the pictures I put up. My other blog shows me the picture as I type the body of the entry. This blog (all on blogger) shows me 5 lines that make up the link I guess and then I can't make the pic bigger or smaller...oh well...)

Lately, in my vast amount of celibate time, I have been thinking about the idea of monogamy. I've been thinking about how in 12 years of marriage, I became involved with other people a few times. AntiChrist never found out and we never discussed the idea of monogamy, because for him, I'm sure it was a given, that we were. But even as I spent 1/3 of my life on the ultimately futile task of getting him to love me, I thought on more than one occasion, that if he had approached me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not have had an issue with it. Not in the least. Now that I am on my own and occasionally pondering my future, my mind falls more and more on the idea of polyamory. (Why does blogger/my computer tell me I'm spelling this wrong when I am not, according to dictionary.com?)
Can you be in a loving, committed relationship and NOT practice monogamy? Obviously, like everything in life, from playing bridge to spanking, it depends on the people. It depends on open, honest communication about your needs and desires. Beyond that, I just don't know.
My thoughts turn to my own experiences in relationships with people who were not as available as I would have liked and also Tiger Woods. The press is having a field day crucifying the man. His wife is the stunningly beautiful victim of his insatiable and horrific and selfish desires.
But has anyone thought, well maybe it's her unrealistic adherence to the old interpretation of the wedding vows? Maybe people shouldn't be denied pursuing relationships they find stimulating outside of the relationship they are committed to.
I'm not even sure what is involved anymore, having had 12 years pass since I took any.
"Do you promise to love, honor and cherish..." check, check & check.
I'm not sure people say "Cleave thee only unto her...for as long as you both shall live"
But the interesting thing is this...there are TWO definitions of Cleave, both verbs.
a) To adhere closely to, stick, cling. To remain faithful
b) To split or divide, to penetrate or pass through.

I don't know many ministers who would let you introduce the idea of an open relationship in wedding vows, but we are still a fairly young century and I'm holding out hope!

I feel like I'm in a unique position because my marriage is over and I am completely single, so I am not coming at this with the perspective of someone in the middle of a bad relationship. But it is something that fascinates me.

I love you, I am committed to you (committed...let me pull out the dictionary again)...I want to be in a relationship with you...but if I meet someone who interests me or I'm attracted to, then I want to feel that I am free to pursue that.

It could be argued, I suppose, that this in increasing the possibility of a partner finding someone else, falling in love with them and leaving you. I would argue how many times does that happen when people are pursuing the "traditional monogamous" relationships. How many people, every year, find themselves blindsided and devastated because their hopes and dreams turned out to be built on quicksand? I don't mean to belittle or diminish the pain and suffering these people go through, but what if you entered into serious relationships with it with a little more acceptance of the idea that your partner is going to be attracted to other people, your partner may want to pursue that and you may as well and that's okay?

What if you trust your partner to be honest with you. "I've met this person, I want to see where it goes, but I love you and I want to be with you and I'm being careful..."
I stress the importance of being honest, but of course, playing both sides of the coin, does such an arrangement undermine the commitment you have to your partner? Does it take something away? I'm not saying that a person or their partner should be out screwing everything that moves, but what if having that freedom kept a person from becoming bored and stagnated in their relationship? What if that freedom kept them more interested at home? Just a theory...and like others (lone gunman for example)...it may not pan out.

I'm sure it's easier said than done for most. But would life be easier if it weren't? I'm not big on labels, monogamy, polyamory (although I LOVE the way that word sounds), married, heterosexual, homo, bi-, but these are just the thoughts floating around.

I met someone 4 years ago and he is one of my best friends. We share a lot and he is aware of some of my tastes and preferences, in a sort of vague, general way. Around the same time Mr. Wonderful and I ended, my friend was dealt a devastating loss when his own partner of 14 years or so, was taken from him. I've known for sometime that I had feelings for him, beyond friendship, however I never acted on it because I knew and cared about his partner and they were in a "traditional, monogamous" relationship. So now, although it is way too soon for either of us to really pursue anything romantically (and I'm not sure he's interested although I have a hard time believing he's unaware), I do find myself wondering about the future, not just with him but with anyone I may meet.
"Okay, not only am I going to need you to dominate me, spank me and tie me up, I'm also going to need to be able to see other people, even if we're serious and committed to each other..."
Oh yes...this is going to be interesting!

I Miss Sex

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.

A Question for my friends out there

A question for my friends out there...

Has anyone ever heard of or been involved in a relationship where the Dominant member of the relationship forces the sub to discipline the Dom?

It's a fantasy I had in my mind and was wondering if anyone knew of this kind of situation in real life?

In my mind, the Dom is a woman and her sub must submit to her wishes, obviously, but one of her demands is that the sub tie her (The Dom) up, spank her, etc. and the sub is in big trouble and subject to his/her own discipline if the Dom is not satisfied with the punishment she's requiring her sub to administer...to the Dom.

Anyone confused yet?

Just wondering! Thanks! I'll be back soon. Crazy couple months...life goes on.

Bitchfest 09

Six weeks ago, I gave birth and somehow, this Monday, she'll be turning 9 years old. What the hell??? How did this happen??? But right now, on top of everything else that has happened with me, Offspring has taken an assessment of her own life, recently divorced parents, dead dog, split up holidays, has come to the conclusion "Well this blows and hey! It's all my mom's fault!" and has developed into the singularly most obnoxious child on the face of the planet. We are now deeply mired in Bitchfest 09 and the only bright spot on the horizon is that in 6 weeks, we can leave it all behind...for Bitchfest 10!!!
One of the first questions out her mouth when I told her about the divorce was "Who said they wanted a divorce? Who's idea was it?"
Now I'm no professional counselor but I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to. "I did sweetie and honestly, I wouldn't have had to if your father had bothered to treat me like a human being 1 time in the past...oh let's say 12 years!!!" No, I did tell her the truth and said "I did, sweetie." So she blames me, just as AntiChrist blames me, for breaking up what she perceived as a happy home. My therapist and her therapist (we get a group rate) says that until she's an adult and can get some perspective, a part of her will always blame me and may for the rest of her life. Friends say it doesn't matter if she's 8 or 18 or 48 when it happens, that she will take the news of a divorce badly.
Then of course, we had the dog killed. "No sweetie, the dog was sick and died..." "Well, Mom, the dog didn't lay down and die did he? No, you took him somewhere and they put him to sleep...that's killing..."
Oh dear God just please let her end up a lawyer! She spent an hour in the grocery store with my brother last night, trying to con him into buying a turkey because "A turkey at Thanksgiving will get my parents back together..."
Except I'm a vegetarian. (Tofurkee anyone?)
The biggest issue is this. She's not just acting out and lashing out and being generally awful, all of which I am handling the best I can, confident in the fact that it's a phase and things will get better. It's that she looked EXACTLY like AntiChrist. From the second she was born, we had to have genetic testing to determine maternity. And that's fine. She's beautiful. But she acts like him and she talks like him, so she's not just doing things to test the boundaries and see what she can get away with. She's doing EXACTLY the things he used to do. And I'm fighting my knee jerk reactions the best I can.
"I CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND!" is an oldie but a goodie and while I do say that to her, I am not hysterically sobbing and screaming it across a house as I had to with him, so I think that's progress.
Any deviation from how they perceive life, any bump in the road, no matter how minor, results in a melt down. A crazy, completely irrational meltdown that I don't think either of them can control
Last night, she's going on about school, and I was listening, while also focusing on a wet road I was driving on. I would occasionally punctuate what she was saying with "Uh huh" but I was listening. Finally, in a very AntiChrist tone of voice, I hear "Well, you're annoyed so I'll just shut up!"
And I couldn't help it. It just came out. "Don't tell me what I am!" Those knee jerks can be hard to control! After that I explained that sometimes people get upset when other people (in this case her!) tell other people how they feel. So I wasn't annoyed, but I was annoyed that she called me annoyed! At this point, even I didn't know what I was talking about!
In the therapist's waiting room, she is playing with a toy while this other mom waits for her own kid. Offspring announces a show she LOVES and I point out that she's not really allowed to watch that and she says, in a sweet, lilting, sing songy voice, "Dad lets me watch it oh and by the way, he's sad you divorced him!' and then leaning into the stranger Mom, she adds "That's why I'm here!"
The drama, the constant arguing of every point from her eye color to how to spell Pickle. I stuck a JAR OF PICKLES in her face and she STILL didn't believe me!!!! I have GOT to find a way to relax. I seriously feel like I am headed for a nervous breakdown at this point. Or a weekend bender where I fall off my 12 step program and eat every doughnut in the tri-state area. Hmmm...decisions, decisions...
I am going to spend the rest of the weekend endeavoring to embrace my beautiful girl. She has been asking for a bra since she was 3. Ever heard 8 going on 30? Mine's 8 going on a 22 year old cocktail waitress from Reno!!! She is SO smart and seems very mature at times and that can make it easy to forget that she's my baby. And she's hurting. And she needs me. It makes it easy to forget how easy it would be to ignore and blow off her problems and her life the way my parents blew off mine. This is the most important job I'll ever have, raising this beautiful, miraculous, highly challenging and spirited child and I may screw it up royally, but no one, including her, will ever say I didn't give it everything I have.

Withdrawal

For the past nine months I’ve been on drugs. Every day I was shooting up kindness, happiness, love, sex, respect and generosity. Every day, day in day out I would get my fix. All I had to do was make a phone call or send an email and I was immediately wrapped up in this amazing circle of unconditional rapture. And even if I didn’t request more drugs, they were still supplied to me on a pretty constant basis as no one ever had in my entire life.

And then it stopped. No warning, no weaning. No slowly reducing my intake. Cold turkey. And the withdrawal is ugly. I’m crying, I’m shaking; I prepared to stalk my dealer for a fix. I’m prepared to beg and plead and do whatever I have to do. I want it all back.

Nine months is more than some people get in a lifetime. Fuck that. I have passed all sense of reason and logic. I want my fix. I was already an addict, in an actual 12 Step program before I met him, so I know the signs. And I know how hard it is to kick something. The thing is, you kick liquor because your liver is failing and your family is scared of you and you get a DWI and you’re going to die if you don’t quit. You go into drug rehab because you’ve lost ½ your body weight and all your money and you are about to turn to prostitution and you are going to die if you don’t. You go into 12 step for food addiction because you weigh 240 pounds and your arteries are clogged and you have diabetes and you’re gong to die if you don’t do something.

This drug’s side effects were my laughter returning, the sounds of my joyous orgasms filling rooms, my heart about to burst from being overcome with delight. Why in the hell would I ever want to kick this drug? But I wasn't given a choice. My drugs were ripped from me.

I told myself that I was going to kick the habit on my own, on my time frame. Bull shit. I’m an addict in every sense of the word and that means that I lie…a lot! I lie more to myself than anyone else. I’ve been a liar since I was a kid and can still convince just about anyone of anything. I said I was going to kick it to call my dealer’s bluff. He was so generous with the drug, but it was not 24-7 and even when I had it every day, I still wanted more. I still wanted it every minute of every day and I wasn’t getting that, so I figured, even though my dealer never said he would, even though he was pretty emphatic that this was not a possibility, I just knew that if I told him I was giving up the drug, that he would get scared he was going to lose me as a client and he would make the 24-7 thing happen.

Before I could test my completely sound (to a junkie) theory, everything fell apart. I hit rock bottom like a ton of bricks. I can’t sleep. I’ve stopped eating. I am filled with thoughts of what I can do to get my drugs back, even though my dealer has made it crystal clear that this won’t be happening. I want to do things that I would never do in a million years to get another fix. And I lie, like any other addict, and say one more fix will be enough…just one more time. Let me at least be aware that it is the last time. Then I can quit.

I am powerless over this man. I am powerless over my feelings for him. It’s the first step when you’re trying to kick an addiction is admitting you are powerless and I am. So powerless, so miserable, so desperate. I’m right back where I was four years ago with my other addiction. Rock bottom.

I have a really hard time believing I am this person. I knew I was an addict. But this person is unrecognizable to me. I guess because I spent so many years wishing that AntiChrist would give me even 1/100 of what Mr. Wonderful gave me. And I still have pain from the end of that almost 14-year relationship; so many regrets and so much pain. And now this, which causes me to ask, when does love come along that doesn’t fuck you up?

They assure me it’s out there. People try and convince me. And you know what, if it’s not, I’ve never had a problems being alone, which is why I feel okay starting new relationships because if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be alone and that is just fine. No worries. When I’m alone, I can do as I wish and that’s something I have been enjoying since AC moved out. Alone time.

But these drugs I got were so strong and so powerful and they gave me visions, which turned out to be delusional hallucinations, of a life filled with the actual bliss of sharing an existence with someone who is everything. And whom can I blame but myself? I made him everything. I did this! And now I just want it all back.