Monday, May 24, 2010
The things I know:
"What is your safe word?" means things are about to get worse. Whatever came before, yeah, it's going to get worse.
"Please stop" will NEVER stop anything immediately and I am required to repeat it about 5 times. (Please stop NOT being my safe word)
And if I truly have a concern or a worry, I feel that I can bring it up and have complete confidence that it will be heard and weighed and considered (if not always done) and that's great. It's part of what we're doing.
My Friend seems amazed, to a certain extent, at being obeyed, without question and without hesitation. I feel that as time goes on, the amazement will be replaced with an expectation that what he asks will be done. I see the shift slowly happening.
He has asked me, on more than one occasion, if he is sensing annoyance or anger in my face after he's slapped me or hit me particularly hard. The answer has always been, honestly, no. I have never harbored any resentment or anger as a result of the abuse he inflicts upon my body. My annoyances (and in 5 weeks this Thursday, I can probably count them on 1 hand) tend to be more towards the vanilla and luckily, right now, we are talking them out (while I'm tied up). No harm, no foul.
The other morning, I started thinking more about this. At some point I was given a choice to either sleep in or sit in a hot tub. When we woke up, I was asked which I had decided. To be fair, I was non-committal but non-committal with my eyes closed, in the fetal position under the covers. Now I don't expect the man to read my mind, but how many more clues do you need? Then I made the insane decision to go to the bathroom and when I returned, there was a certain sexual act that suddenly required my participation.
As I was performing this, I started wondering...was I annoyed? Would you prefer A or B? Too bad, C it is! Not really annoyed. It certainly wasn't like I was doing something unpleasant. It was good. I'm good at it. He's enjoying it. I usually enjoy it and did not DISLIKE it that morning. But sometimes my mind wanders a bit and I started thinking about being maybe just this side of annoyed, but certainly not enough to bring it up. Why would I? What would it have accomplished? Either an order to continue regardless (which would have been kind of hot) or a discussion about why I was feeling the way I was and where it was coming from and spending our limited time together hashing out a very small annoyance (that may not even be that?)....no I am NOT that girl and do not plan on EVER being.
And that train of thought took me into another train of thought. (I'm a REALLY good multi tasker!). Things seem simpler. There aren't quite so many complications. There still are some, sure, but really, it just seems like there is not as much effort or worry over things that simply don't matter. I'm just not worrying about anything. Now I'm not going to say I was all that much of a worrier before, but honestly, it feels like I can just follow for now, just do what is in front of me (HAHA) and enjoy the ride.
Lately, I'm starting to wonder if, for all my declarations that I don't expect My Friend to read my mind, maybe he really can sometimes. When we were done Sunday, my Friend expressed amazement at having sexual acts performed simply because he states that I am to do them, whether I want to or not.
And for some reason, I began to smile. Exactly. Whether I want to or not. I don't particularly WANT to be whipped with ropes, but I submit. God knows I hate that wooden paddle more than I hate anything on the face of the Earth (so far...My Friend is shopping on line apparently), but something in me propels me forward in my submission. This inexplicable simplicity and sense of calm and happiness that trumps whatever minor, insignificant annoyances that may enter my mind.
Friday, May 21, 2010
So I have this curfew now. In bed, 10:30pm, Sunday through Thursday and I have to send a text to My Friend as soon as I get there. And I am getting 6 hours of sleep a night, as opposed to 4 which is good. However I find things falling by the wayside because I'm not staying up until midnight doing them!
One thing that has definitely fallen by the wayside is television. I didn't watch all that much before, but in the past 4 weeks I have watched TV exactly twice. 1 episode of Lost (I'm three episodes behind!) and on Wednesday, I decided, it's 9:55pm, I'm going to sit down and watch Glee. Yes, Glee is an hour show, but I have it on DVR, I don't mind fast forwarding to the interesting parts I want to see, completely doable.
Unless you factor in my mother lives with me now. And she was excited I was going to watch the episode. Let me start by saying that she had already watched it! So I watch some, I fast forward through the commercials & I hear,
"Ohhh!! Can we watch that commercial?!?!?" she asks.
"No." I continue to fast forward.
"Oh this is a good part!" 5 minutes later. "WHY R U fast forwarding!?!?!"
"Mom, you've already seen this! Just let me watch it the way I want to!" I hit fast forward harder.
10 minutes later, "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS PART!"
It is now 10:22. "NO I DON'T!!! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Time is my enemy now. I've seen what My Friend can do when he's HAPPY with me. I'm not going to let myself get put in the position of actual punishment and I'll be DAMNED if I let my mother drag me there either! It's bad enough I'm putting in eye drops and taking off my make up laying in bed in the dark because it's 10:32 and I'm desperately pushing pee out of my bladder at 10:29, praying my text won't arrive at 10:31. I don't need ANY ADDITIONAL STRESS!!!!!
"I just don't understand why you are watching so little of it!?!"
It was a little difficult to not grab her shoulders and shake her and yell, "Because if I'm not IN bed BY 10:30, my boyfriend is going to spank me...and not a playful one either...a really hard spanking that will have me in tears and agony and unable to sit down comfortably for God knows HOW long now please, in the name of all that is good and holy, LET ME WATCH THIS!!!!"
I didn't. My proclivities remain happily anonymous to my mother...at least for now.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
It's a crazy world, I'll tell you that. And anyone who has been on all fours, naked, with a riding crop in their mouth next to a small dog getting a treat knows what I'm talking about. I'm starting to worry about My Friend's Dog and what all this new activity might be doing to his poor little canine psyche, but I guess he's okay. What I actually tell him (the dog) is that upon hearing my cries and whimpers, Lassie would have already gone for help! The sweet little boy just licks my leg and is on his merry way. He and My Friend seem to be of like minds. I knew what I was getting myself into...so quit complaining.
Having an important, meaningful conversation about relationships and life while tied to a chair is an interesting change as well. My Friend and I had a really romantic day, but something he said started bothering me and so by the time we got back to his place, it had grown into a full on potential resentment. I guess maybe bringing it up earlier might have been better. When I'm presenting him with the riding crop (between my teeth) and being told that it pleases him and my brain immediately goes to, "Oh sure it pleases you but not enough to..." then there's an issue. And 3 weeks in, I feel completely comfortable bringing it up and discussing it with him. Which is great.
What is not great? Purple knots on the outside of my thighs from that riding crop. They seemed to go down after My Friend fashioned some ice packs and applied them (our first aftercare!). Did not enjoy the riding crop, but it was manageable. That damn wooden paddle is another story. OH MY GOD!
My Friend has decided to save his belt for actual punishment. Okay, fine. His call. Part of me wonders (and part of me needs to get a new secret blog he doesn't read! :)) if he's thinking the belt is a harsher implement because of the bruise it left (which still hasn't healed)and perhaps it is but that paddle is killing me. And I'm not 100% sure how much of my emotion last night came from the conversation we had before he started paddling me and how much was actual reaction to the horrific pain, but I ended up crying. Actually crying. I was over his "love seat" (I'm thinking we need to rename that particular piece of furniture!) and felt it moving and myself almost crawling over it the first time he hit me. Then came several more and I just couldn't stop. I don't ever cry during spankings. It's just not something I do. But this time I did. And he loved it. I think he had been waiting for it. He had mentioned his desire to kiss away tears and he got his chance.
I think what really got him was that I was crying, I was bruised and swollen on my thighs, my legs were shaking and he told me to bend back over the love seat. And I did. It never occurred to me not to. I made a commitment to submit to him. It is very important to me. He didn't paddle me anymore, but did continue to comment on my complete submission. He seemed pleased which pleased me.
My submission to him is less a fantasy to me than I perhaps led on. And yes it's fast, but he's been studying (aka cyber stalking) for a long time and the trust I have for him is overwhelming (a perk of knowing some1 four years before getting involved) so the submission is easy. I don't always like it, but I do it, because it helps me.
I'm getting some rules now. I have to ask permission to orgasm. (I forgot once and he was kind enough to let it slide) and I also have to be in bed by 1030 and text him when I get there. So this will be the first full week of that and hopefully all will go well. When I emailed him about it, knowing I needed some help, he used the words "new sheriff in town". It was so cute. And a little scary. And so comforting.
It sounds like I might be getting a collar. Walking around, lying around with a belt wound 3 or 4 times around my neck was actually a pretty good look and so My Friend mentioned something about it. We'll see!
Went to church today with dried cum in my hair to teach Sunday School. Yes ladies & gents...a very crazy world...
Monday, May 10, 2010
I started thinking about this the other day while observing this extremely wicked, gruesome bruise on my inner thigh. My Friend used his belt and the results were not pretty. I try really hard not to compare one man to another, but I couldn't help but remember Mr. Wonderful and his belt. The results were fairly similar, horrifically terrible looking bruises but whereas Mr. Wonderful was absolutely beside himself with horror and shame at his actions, unable to conceive that he had caused these welts and marks on my body, My Friend, after checking that I was okay, merely shrugged and commented that more practice was required so that he would have greater control over the belt. More practice? Um...yay???
My 12 Step sponsor says people will tell you who they are. I think what she really means is people will SHOW you who they are. Stay around someone long enough and they'll definitely let you know things, but how often are we able to pick up on them? How willing are we to pick up on them?
I'm still seeing C. He's very funny and I have a great time with him. He's also extremely reluctant to pay compliments. He just doesn't do it. He will tell me I'm very smart and very quick witted and he seems to enjoy that. But I'm a girl. I want to hear I'm pretty! I did get him to say I was pretty once, but I basically made him do it, we were on the phone and he was drunk, so I'm not really counting that.
He's not a big guy on PDAs either. Holding hands, whatever is all pretty much up to me. He kids me about being "all over him" if I want to hold his hand while we're walking. It's funny because he said one of his chief complaints with his ex-wife was her saying "Stop pawing me!" when he would just try and be affectionate. I'm having a hard time picturing that, considering the way he acts around me.
There are other issues...well not really issues, because they don't feel that serious and I think they don't feel that serious because as much as I care about him, as much as I love talking to him, which I do on a daily basis, as much as I want him around...it feels so different from My Friend. It feels like C. and I are these great buddies and right now we're just on this side road of a pseudo-romantic relationship (Romantic being a relative term). There are things that I know would definitely be issues if we were together permanently and exclusively. But I just don't see it that way. But I'm not willing to let go of the romantic part. It is kind of fun. It's also U-Haul Insurance.
My Friend and I keep being reminded, by the droves of mutual friends we have, to take things slow. We keep reminding each other to take things slow. We seem to have defined taking it slow as "No U-Hauls, No Vegas". That's taking it slow. I still struggle with what monogamy means, but I think that may be a way of avoiding the real issue. And the real issue is this: When you love someone, you give them an enormous amount of power. Now I've given My Friend power already. The power to dominate me, the power to control my body, the power to tell me what to do, the power to hurt me, the power to make decisions for me in some senses. But loving someone, saying "I am with you", saying "You are the one for me" involves giving them power to truly hurt you on a much deeper level. The Anti Christ had that power. Mr. Wonderful had that power. In both cases, their power hurt me. When someone really knows you, is truly intimate, they get that power and then it is up to them how they use it. Would My Friend ever use the power to hurt me? It feels like no, but there are no guarantees. In love, in life, there are no guarantees. You need faith, you need courage, and you need amnesia.
I figured out why people keep falling in love. I figured out why people keep getting married. I figured out why people open themselves up to incredible amounts of hurt and pain and make themselves truly vulnerable when 1 in 2 of these things called relationships implode and result in horrific fiery deaths of dreams and expectations and hearts and trust. It's why people try again when someone they love dies. These feelings right here right now. They make you forget a lot of the shit from the past.
People won't understand. Too soon. Slow down. It's too fast. People get enmeshed and people get co-dependent and people get hurt. It happens every day. And a part of me is terrified and a part of me wants to fight and run away from all the potential for pain. But I don't.
I just submit. Every day it gets a little easier. When you hear a voice saying, completely unprompted, "My God you are beautiful.", When someone can barely let you in the door before their hands are all over you, when someone will tell you deep, meaningful things about themselves, thereby giving you your own power to potentially hurt them, then the submission gets a little easier.
I'm still working through and processing all this. I really feel like I have to take into consideration my boundaries, my self care, my past and my future. And at the same time, I have to trust him with the rest of me as much as I trust him with my body.
In the end, giving someone my love is not like hitting someone with a belt. I can practice all I want, but I still don't seem to ever truly gain control.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So when does a Spanko become a masochist? My guess is that to most of the general population, we are all masochists right? Pleasure derived from pain is the definition of masochist. I (painfully) sat wondering this today. I'm not just getting spanked anymore. I'm being tied up. I'm being slapped and slammed against walls. I'm crawling on all fours with a riding crop in my teeth. Have I crossed some thresh hold or just finally found the person who will accompany me on my journey? If people in the past had been willing, would I have already been doing all these things? Probably, although I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I am with My Friend (sucking up for a bit of leniency down the line is never a bad thing).
I think it sounds kind of cool. "I'm a practicing masochist." Practicing Masochist. Good band name.
I also had the coolest fantasy this morning and part of me is dying to tell My Friend and part of me is like, nah. I think I decided it might kind of lose something if I tell him. Then it's not something organic, like in my mind. The fantasy certainly isn't something crazy...in fact it's something completely feasible that would be done in public. It's ridiculously mild but would be really effective at getting me mentally aroused. Now I don't expect the poor man to read my mind, but at the same time, spelling it all out, yeah it feels like it would take something away. Not sure. Still pondering.
I was allowed to send him an older fantasy. Recycled is such an ugly word! And I wouldn't send him any fantasies that I had actually acted out with anyone. That would just seem wrong.
Things are definitely moving along. Not sure if I have permission to call it a relationship yet, but to me, if crawling on all fours with a riding crop in your teeth doesn't scream relationship, I don't know what does!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Okay, so as everyone knows, Mr. Wonderful used to spank me. He was good at it, but it wasn't something I think he was ever 100% comfortable with. He did it for me, which was great, but it never felt like he was that into the whole experience. Ninja definitely seemed to enjoy spanking me, but the guy was so good-natured and easy going he never seemed that interested in any of the other components.
My Friend, I'm prepared to call it, is a definitely Spanko. He says he's never done it before and it sounds like he started with this blog and moved on to other research, but the guy is a natural!
Last night and this morning, for example...me, hands tied behind my back, feet tied, sitting in a chair getting my face slapped (not lightly) and then blindfolded, someone leather (I think) slapping my outer thighs and my tits and then bent over his love seat, still bound, face in the cushions, getting spanked. I was given a safe word which I never used. But it's more than just the bondage and the spanking, it's his attitude. He gets it. He gets the voice tone, he gets the commands, he gets the dynamic of D/s and it is so amazing. This morning, it didn't seem to matter how much he beat on me, I just couldn't get enough. He ever started beating on my vagina and it was not pleasant, but he kept going and I just gritted my teeth and took it. Then after he gave me an orgasm, I just wanted more spanking. I realized that begging him to stop, not meaning a word of it and he knows it, arouses him. The idea that I'm NOT offended if he grabs a handful of my hair and leads me around does not mean disrespect to me and he loves that. I love telling him that there isn't anything he can ask me to do that I won't do and there isn't anything he wants to do to my body that I'll say no to, because above all else, I trust this man so unconditionally.
Now I trusted Mr. Wonderful also, but he was never going to go to the places My Friend seems to want to, so the trust is that much more important and I do trust him with every inch of myself. I trust him to put his hand over my mouth and nose so I can't breath and when I start to struggle, he knows exactly how long to let me before allowing me to breath.
The fact that I feel actual trepidation when driving to his house because I don't know what he's going to do to me, is just the coolest sensation.
Now, at heart, My Friend, I believe, is very much a product of the 60's and 70's, women's liberation movement and he has a lot of female friends, so the issue keeps coming up...respect, objectification, etc. but as time goes on, I think he's realizing that while yes, I want to go out and I want to talk and I want to laugh and I want to spend time with him in decidedly non-sexual situations, that when it comes to this, I am his object. He is what I've been looking for. I think he gets the balance and I think he understands that while I don't want someone to give me a black eye or tell me how to vote, (grabbing me and slamming me up against a wall to kiss me though? Way hot!), I love the orders, I love the occasional disapproval, I love getting my ass smacked in the grocery store. And I love all these things from someone who does respect me, someone who gets the balance and knows how to use it, someone who I would trust with everything I have. That is My Friend.
I was a little worried, in the beginning, that the fact that he had read this blog for so long without my knowing, would strip our whatever it is (he refuses to call it a relationship until we're exclusive and I abide by his wishes)of spontaneity and mystery, it bothered me a little. I asked and he graciously agreed that maybe we could just pretend that he knows these things I like just because he does. Because he is just that insightful and just that in tune with my body, and now, I do believe that is the case. I think he does know and is always asking questions to make sure that I am okay and I am okay. Better than okay. Thank you very much.