Saturday, May 30, 2009

Your friendly neighborhood sex addict

I blame Ronald Hargass. I was 12, he was 12. We decided to "go together" and he kissed me. And I immediately wanted more. It became a pattern. I always wanted more. I don't recall Ronald being all that fantastic of a kisser, but the sensation, the feelings, I wanted more. I guess I still do. My 12 step sponsor (and favorite person ever!) tells me that after 4 years of NO sex and several years before that of bad sex, that I am skin deprived. I absolutely agree. The problem is this, there are times Mr. Wonderful wants to talk, he wants to have dinner, it's incredibly sweet and romantic and there are times he even turns down sexual offers because he doesn't want me to think he's using me. He's just so thoughtful and kind. And I want to have sex with him. All the time. Now the man is not completely altruistic, he definitely wants to hook up and makes that very clear, but when he's saying "No let's just be together" and I'm saying "Unzip your fly", I just keep thinking, am I some kind of sex maniac? Then of course, the feminist kicks in, because if he were asking for sex a lot and I was saying "No, let's just be together..." I think most people would find this a very common situation, because that's the stereotypical dynamic, right? Sex crazed male, female wanting more substantial use of time together. And no one would raise an eyebrow about the man's behavior. A very dear, male friend of mine pointed out that no matter how far we've come, slut and whore are still insulting phrases used to judge women, while "Man whore" never really caught on! I guess it's just something I've been wondering about, if all those years of nothing have turned me into someone who may have a problem. Again, do I feel I have a problem because it's a legitimate concern, or is it that I'm a woman and we aren't supposed to "be like that".

So of course, I am seeking answers where everyone goes when they have problems. Google! One site says I show signs consistent with sex addicts, but I'm not quite sure I buy their results, because while some of the questions are absolutely right on the money as far as delving into people's psyche. Have you ever had sex with a minor? (NO!) Is your job or family life being effected by your thoughts of sex? (No), some of them, do you look at porn on the interet? Have you engaged in sadomasochistic behavior? do not seem like they should count against me.

So I guess I won't worry about it too much. And Mr. Wonderful said that he would start taking yes for an answer (haha). But after giving him (teasing) trouble about it, then I start worrying about "Well, does this mean we won't be talking anymore?" Of course it doesn't. We wouldn't let that happen. It's just hot outside, my divorce is kicking into high gear, work is absolutely insane and I'm horny. Not a good combination! So when I have a minute of downtime, what am I going to do except drive myself to distraction with paranoid thoughts? :) Maybe if Ronald Hargass had played hard to get, I wouldn't be in this predicament!

Happy Birthday Todd!!!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Consequences of faking

Okay so I can't stay on long because I've been instructed to get some sleep, but I don't have to get up at 4:15 am for job #1 tomorrow, so I'm not worried about being up a little late. I admitted to Mr. Wonderful today that in 15 weeks (today! Happy Anniversary!) I had faked 1 orgasm. My sexual alter ego admitted it to his alter while chatting on line and while she (I) had a very good reason, his alter (he) was not very happy about it. I've been reprimanded and threatened :) and also told to write a critique of the last time we were together and the discipline he administered. Yes, it happened. YAY!!!! It actually went pretty well. He smacked my ass with his hand during sex, which he usually does and then he just used the small, wooden paddle ball paddle. I was laying flat on my stomach on the bed. It packed a little sting, which was a pretty good rush and he talked a little rough which was great. When it was all said and done he seemed to worry that he had hurt me and asked me several times today if I was sore. Not even close to sore. I'm not sure I even got sore. So I guess that's my critique. Harder, more often and more of the talking. He calls me names which is absolutely fine. I've never had a problem with being called a bitch or a whore during sex. But when he's talking in a really stern voice tone, and he sounds upset and he's threatening me with more punishment, WOW!!!! He asked me pretty nicely (yawn! HAHA) to not masturbate before we were together yesterday. And I didn't. I just pretended he had ordered me not to. But today, I asked him if I could again he said no because I was in trouble. Then he relented and allowed me to do it once and then I have to ask his permission before I can do it again. Once more with feeling...YAY!!!! I saved the chat to my email just to read the words about how disappointed he was and how maybe I needed to be paddled harder next time. (Woo Hoo!!!)

He's actually pleased that I care enough to fake it so he won't be late back to work (my excuse), but again, I just feel really lucky that he's willing to do all these things with me. I think he's getting good at them too! It may not be a way of life for us, but Mr. Wonderful won't be a way of life for me, not permanently, so I just look at the present, hold onto what I can, keep focusing on how happy I am, and enjoy everything as it cums. :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009


His name was T. He was a really nice guy and he had this big 3 story house. At some point, due to my own volatile relationship with my mother, most likely, I moved into his house. I was probably 18 at the time. He also had this young couple who hated each other but they had 2 kids and also lived there. But we were all pretty happy though. Sort of like a frat house for social rejects! :)
But then the young couple took their kids and moved back to NY and so it was just Tom and I. We rarely saw each other. He worked nights, I worked days. We were buddies. He really was a nice guy. Then 1 night, we were home together and we were drinking and we ended up in bed together. I remember very little about that night, except that he was the first person who ever smacked my ass in a sexual context. That I remember. He did it a few times, hard enough to feel it and I loved it. I want to say he pulled my hair also, but I can't be sure. We never really talked about it, never really had sex again. Shortly afterwards I moved out to start college and I haven't seen him since. I smile when I think about him though. Considering that in the 21 years since I've found 1 person willing to engage with me in this and that's just been in the last 3 months, of course I'm going to fondly hold onto the ONLY memory I have. But I thank him...wherever he is...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Finally...sort of...

Okay, so it is not Mr. Wonderful's fault. It is my fault. 100%. We had about 3 hours and I thought we could split the time between the sexual alter and the slutty school girl desperatly in need of a spanking. Well, the sexual alter got "creative" and then things took a lot longer than we anticipated, until basically there was no time for the slutty school girl (whom we've dubbed Mandy) and therefore, no time for a spanking. :( But actually, I made the decision that sexual alter go first, so I really have no one but myself to blame. And Mr. Wonderful? He brought a yard stick!!!! Didn't get a chance to use it and I'm sorry, but regardless of how this goes down, the fact that he is on board and willing to play along and just think up something like that, is just the absolute coolest thing ever. He really is...well wonderful. And proved it a million different ways today alone! So not complaining about Mandy getting short changed. Believe me! But I'll admit, I had been looking forward to it.
Funny digression here: My daughter asked for a Hannah Montana Paddle Ball for Christmas and Santa brought it. Now, as is typical, she played with it for about a week and then it was suddenly gone, never to be seen again. However, 3 nights ago, it actually turned up in our basement. She was so excited, however within about 5 minutes, her dad had acidentally broken off the ball. So excitement turned to heartbreak and devestation, as she fled the room in tears, he followed her apologizing and I picked up the paddle, observing, "Hmmm...this isn't's plastic..." :)
So anyway, as I made my way home today, very sexually satisfied, very content, very happy, it suddenly occured to me. I was married for 13 years! If there is one thing I know how to do, it's be self sufficient!
So I went to my empty house, with my spatula and wooden paddle in hand and proceeded to just take care of business myself. Now was it the same? Of course not, but you know, for a first time, it wasn't bad. I was always curious about the self spankings I've read about and wondered if it was like trying to bite myself so I could cry and get my brother in trouble when I was little. Never worked. I could never seem to bite myself hard enough. This worked out okay. Yes, Hannah paddle got in on the action too.
So the results? Some discomfort throughout, slight twinging after effects, and a good deal of redness, although I've noticed it is quickly dissipating and yes, I would say I am a little sore. Now of course, when there is someone I love dearly (ahem!) on the delivering end, I'm sure things will be much different, but I think this is a good start.
I am not quite ready to post a picture of my red ass on the internet, but if anyone wants to see it, shoot me an email and I'll be happy to send it along! :)
BTW, big hug to D. Skirt turned out wonderful AND she used the extra material to make little hair bows for my pig tails. You rock!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Kinky Shopping with D.

Okay, so I had until Thursday to procure a Catholic school girl outfit and whatever implements I want (hope) Mr. Wonderful will use on me and there was only 1 person I knew to call. D.
D and I have been friends for 21 years. She is roughly 13 years older than I and life has gotten in the way of us being in contact like we were, but I love her dearly and today when she said I was one of the only people she knew as kinky as she was, it made me feel wonderful. It helped me remember who I used to be and the parts of that person I want back.
So after lunch and catching up, we set out, arriving at an adult store. Inside were racks of clothing and they did have a Catholic uniform that would have fit me. D. said it looked adorable. It also cost $50 and sorry, fairly soon to be divorced single mom couldn't do it. The lady even gave me a 15% off coupon when I purchased a greeting card and a leather paddle key chain for D. but I still just couldn't. I hadn't given up on goodwill yet! :) Also, all the spanking implements were leather and I was really looking for a moderate wooden paddle, not very thick, but sturdy. They had 1 wooden paddle, but it was a novelty where you have everyone sign it on someone's birthday. So D. borrowed their phone book and I called a Catholic store about 15 miles away and they said they were open until 5. Off we went again!
We had decided, as we walked in, that if they asked, I had a daughter who was my size and that's why we needed the skirt and why I needed to try it on. As we approached though, D. wondered if they would ask which school my "daughter" went to because each school has specifications you have to adhere to. As we opened the door, I said "Okay, I'm going to a costume party and I need the skirt." and we agreed that was the story we were sticking to.
They had racks of skirts, all $40-$50 and I was starting to get concerned. Then D. spotted the clearance rack. A my size...$5.00. I realized that even though it said it was my size, it wasn't going to fit. D. agreed to put some elastic in it for me and shorten it. She's really wonderful. So we snatched it up. Eventually, while waiting for the small, demur looking lady to check us out, we grabbed the other skirt for $5.00 and I got that for D. She said she was going to tease her husband about the "twin schoolgirls" and give him a thrill.
"So what are the skirts for?" the lady inquired sweetly.
"We're going to a costume party..." I said, steadily.
"Oh'd be surprised how many people we get in here buying skirts for things like that..."
I just nodded and pressed my lips together. No lady, I think you'd be surprised...
Off we went to Walmart for white thigh highs, elastic for altering the skirts and matching white t-shirts D. said we could just cut down the middle and tie between our boobs (sort of a Britney "Hit me baby one more time!" (ironic!) look!)
So, having dubbed ourselves the "naughty Bobsy twins" and after a big hug and a promise to dress up and play with she and her husband, I was headed home. I ran by Walmart for some soap when it suddenly occured to me. Kitchen utensils. How many times in the past 2 weeks have I read about the use of kitchen utensils. So I went to the utensil aisle and buying something like that is harder (haha) that I imagined. I'm trying to smack it against my hand nonchalantly, but I did get 1 look. I ended up with this:

Okay it's heat resistant! It says it right on the label. I think it's nylon, actually. A good start or a huge mistake? I hope to get comments letting me know. So now I have at least 1 thing to try with. Getting closer to home, I remember D. saying to just pick up a paddle ball toy the kids play with. Those strike me (Man! I got a million of them!) as flimsy (D. had a "spank me" paddle presented and used on her for a birthday and it sounds like it broke before the party was even over) but again, it is Mr. Wonderful's first time, so maybe it would be appropriate...

So I stopped at a local drug store to survey what they had since Walmart didn't have any. I found a good old fashioned paddle ball right there in the toy aisle...

"Well hello!!!"
I turned around and of course...OF COURSE!!!! Hello to you too my 8 year old daughter's church choir director!!!! Suddenly, I'm in the middle of an episode of Three's Company!!!!
"How are you?"I smiled.
"What are you buying?" she asked.
"Oh...a friend...her son is having a birthday party...just something for his gift..." I smiled, holding up:

"Oh how fun! What a nice gift!" she smiled. "Well see you in church!" and she was off. I shook my head and had just decided to buy 2 paddle balls in case one broke when...
"Well, the checker said the latex gloves were over here!" she said, coming back around the corner. "So when is the party?"
Oh dear mother of GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I finally got home, SO FAR without anything being discovered. I'm going to D's house Thursday morning to pick up my altered skirt before I meet Mr. Wonderful and I think I'll see what that spatula feels like when I use it. My guess is not quite the same, but maybe I can get a sense. Worst case scenario, we kick it old school and I give him a hair brush.
Thanks D! I love you!!!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

What would my mother say?!?!?!??!

No, this is not my mother, but the finger and the judgemental look definitely could be. In the past, my mother has always always tried to pawn her things off on me. Her house is piled high with every conceivable useless piece of crap on the face of the planet. And some things that aren't useless, but she's always trying to transfer it from her house to my house. And the exchanges almost always go like this:
"You should use this in the living would look nice!"
I shrug and respond, "Ask M." (M is my ex)
And my mother huffs and puffs..."Well it's YOUR house too! Or aren't you entitled to an opinion!?!?!?" It's a valid question, I guess. But my mother is coming at it as someone who was barely married 7 years and has been divorced for 34 years. Yes 34 years. She has lived the majority of her life, answering to no one, the ultimate feminist and happy that way, it seems. So good for her. The other point is that she LOVES to argue! LOVES IT!!!! And I don't. Most of the time I would defer to M., because I truly had no opinion and he was better at decorating than I. So why would I start a fight for no other reason that starting a fight? Why would I debate for something, when I honestly couldn't care less? Hang this picture in the hall or don't. It doesn't matter. If I had an opinion, I would express it, in a kind manner, but a lot of the times, I just didn't care. My brother has been married for a year to a girl he has been dating for 9 years. My mother accuses him of losing his backbone. My brother and sister in law agree on almost everything and are blissfully happy, but whenever my brother agrees with his wife, my mother just sniffs and says, "He never felt that way BEFORE he met her!" when in reality, if he didn't, it sounds like he listened and changed his opinion. But to my mother, you fight for your opinion and if you agree, you fight anyway! You stand up for yourself, whether someone is beating you down or not! You lay down the law to whomever is in earshot. Gee, wonder why she's been single this long?
So what would she think if she knew I was toying with the idea of being a sub? WOW!!! Talk about a scary thought!!!! Well, I think since she practically has a stroke at the slightest sign of me being solicitous of anyone, even if it's done out of kindness, respect and common human courtesy, my guess is she wouldn't be happy. As a result of having a serious food addiction, I currently do not eat meat or sugar or any kind. I also eat very little wheat. 3 years after I started my 12 step program, I still can't get her to understand why I don't eat these things. I've lost 50 pounds, I'm not bingeing, I'm not eating out of the trash can, I'm not stealing food, I'm not hiding food, I'm not filled with shame and depression anymore. "But...why do you have to stop eating these things all together?" ...Um...for all the reasons I've just listed!
And when I serve a very hearty, satisfying lunch, plenty for everyone, but no meat...seriously, you would have thought I took her out on the front lawn and announced we will be "grazing" for lunch!
So tell her that I want to be dominated? Tell her how I get off on spankings and pain? Tell her how I may want to be in a DD relationship some day? Yeah...think I'll pass on the true confessions for now...
Do any of my new friends in DD relationships have parents who know about your situation?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

He's Back...For Now...

Mr. Wonderful has returned from the Far North (is that even what it's called!) but has to leave tomorrow. BZ guy with a lot of responsbilities. He feels bad, but I understand. We did manage to eek out about 30 minutes tonight which was wonderful Necking like teenagers and got my hair pulled a lot. While we keep each other in a constant state of arousal, and I am always trying to push the envelope a bit, we were in a (semi) public place and he has this thing about NOT getting arrested! Party pooper! :) Anyway, we also were able to talk and he was able to mention some things he plans on doing to me next week when we can be together. He mentioned some very nice things, including slapping my ass, which is always fun and a definite turn on. Just hope he hasn't forgotten that he promised to give the "naughty" alter a good, hard straight spanking...not just a few smacks during sex. I guess we'll see. He said I looked tired and he worries about me. I love that he's concerned and cares, but I think he worries a little too much sometimes, so I don't always tell him what's going on with me. No need to worry him about the fact that I'm exhausted. That two jobs and the kid and the 12 step program and the housework and church and everything else conspires to let me have roughly 4-41/2 hours of sleep a night. Now, obviously, I could be sleeping if I weren't typing is what may spring to people's minds (and I am wrapping it up!). I just don't want him to think that he's part of the problem when these days he's 100% the solution. He's about the only truly joyful thing in my life, outside of my child. He is the reason I'm smiling again and the reason I feel happy and pretty and content. I'm not used to having anyone all! So it's nice that he does. He told me to get 6 hours of sleep. I told him I'd try. He said "Promise?" I smiled at him, "Well I promise to try..." Shame he didn't order me...sternly. That would have been really awesome. Yesterday we were discussing something and I said "We can talk about something else..."
"Well, we're going to finish this particular conversation first..." was the response, with just that small bit of control creeping in.
The main issue is that when it's just me, not my sex slave alter or my naughty school girl alter, he seems hesitant to be really firm or take control. I've dropped enough hints and made enough comments, that it would seem like he would. But actually things are going really, really well. I am NOT complaining!
Craigslist Update: More responses from men, offering to spank my naughty alter who put an ad on craigslist. However, one of her "transgressions" was smoking and one guy has said that after the spanking, he'll be clamping a lit cigarette to her nipple. Uh...okay dude...OW!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I think Mr. Wonderful and I have a soft spot in our hearts for craigslist. After all, that's how we met. And since then, we've occasionally placed other ads, hoping the other would "find us". It's amusing and we have a good time with it. And today I learned that if you ever want 20 emails in your inbox within 15 minutes, just post an ad about what a naughty girl you are and how you'll be waiting for your pig tails and your Catholic School Uniform. Seriously, they just come out of the woodword!!!!! :)

Mr. Wonderful returns from Canada tomorrow. Excited doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. And he loved the fantasy so yay!

In fact, today he scolded me over the phone while I sat in my car, in my garage (I guess he changed his mind about the garage and phone sex). But at least I was able to seal the deal on my own. My hopes are that tomorrow, although time and space will be limited, we can connect before he leaves again on Friday. Next week, though...all bets are off. If he does half the things he says he's going to do, I should be 1 very happy (and sore) girl. He talks about it in the context of fantasy and that's cool. It hurts my heart, how much he means to me...for a lot of reasons and on a lot of levels. I try to let him take the lead and not be overly agressive but it will be difficult, having not touched him in...WOW! a week! We'll see where this leads...
BTW, if anyone in St. Louis is looking for someone to spank them, I've got the email addresses of 20 guys ready, willing and able...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Three weeks into our email only relationship, I sent Mr. Wonderful a fantasy. Prior to that, we had sent each other dozens of fantasies. (In the three months we've been together we've exchanged 1600 emails). These fantasies were all pretty explicit and sexual. However, this one, three weeks in, made me nervous when I sent it, because it was a spanking fantasy. A fantasy I had had since I was probably 20. A fantasy I had never shared with anyone. At this point, I was still pretty certain I would not be meeting Mr. Wonderful, that ours would be a strictly erotic penpal relationship, so while that certainly made it easier, I was still nervous. To me, it's something very intimate and hard to share. Now why would a spanking fantasy be harder to share than a straight sex fantasy? I think because everyone has sex. (Okay, not me when I was married...but you know what I mean...) but not everyone engages in discipline and/or spanking. And as I've mentioned, it's hard to guage how someone is going to react to it. So I hit send and immediately got nervous. I threw in some sex at the end of it, just for good measure, but 95% of the fantasy was spanking.
He wrote he really enjoyed the fantasy. He wrote that if we ever met, while he would never hurt me, he would make my bottom red. (Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!!) That may have been the moment I realized that meeting him would not be a mistake. That whatever he was or wasn't into, he wasn't judging me.
So why should I be nervous that today I sent him a long fantasy (real sex and phone sex has very much impeded upon our written fantasy life and I wanted to change that!). The first part of the fantasy was just sexual, things I knew he liked. Then the last half was a domestic discipline fantasy. (Basically, in general post-coital conversation, the woman aka me reveals a transgression and the man deals with it quickly and effectively). I know this man now. I know what he will do to me and for me. And it's great. But I was still nervous to send it and then once I sent it, I was still nervous most of the day. What is he thinking about it? And plus, since he's out of the country, I won't know what he thinks until he has access to his email or I talk to him later. Again, I know he has said he won't mind spanking me, but the discussions and what little we've engaged in has been fantasy role playing erotic stuff. This was straight up DD. What does he think about that? We've certainly never discussed it. Is that something I want to explore? I still don't know. If I did, would he be into it? Anyone gathering that I tend to overthink things sometimes?
In the end, I hit send, because I trust him. If I'm never in a DD relationship with him, I at least trust that he doesn't judge me. He's one of the first people in my life who hasn't and that feels wonderful. So I'll try to stop worrying and just enjoy whatever comes next. If nothing else, I've got a cool fantasy to refer back to next time I'm lonely! :)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Because I said so...

Okay, so Mr. Wonderful is in Canada until Thursday and he was out of the state this past weekend. I am basically 1 BIG hormone walking around, wondering when my washing machine is going to hit the spin cycle! :) Had a pap smear and breast exam with a new doc and let me tell was the most action I've gotten in a week! But I digress...Mr. Wonderful has an alter's basically his name he used on line when we met (a wonderful new friend asked if the craigslist story was true and yes, it is). I have 2 alters. 1 is devoted strictly to sex, ready to fuck him whenever and do whatever he wants and the other is a naughty girl (a "tart" he calls her) who doesn't want to have sex, but only wants to be punished for her various misdeeds. His alter ego seems to be enjoying both of mine, although honestly, he hasn't had a chance to get with the tart in person. She keeps emailing him all the things she is doing wrong, practically begging for a spanking, but so far no one's schedule has permitted him to take her in hand and teach her the lesson she desperately needs. :( Sigh...hopefully soon though.
And then there is me. I think he likes the distinction of these three personalities (and it is just fantasy, we don't have a Sybill thing going!), but honestly they aren't that far removed from 1 another. I want to fuck him raw and I want him to dominate and discipline me. His alter is way cool and so far has been game for whatever. The real him is very sweet and very caring and absolutely wonderful. And the thing is, he's kind of on me about things I can do to improve myself, but it is so far removed from my marriage, which was all about "You need to change these things, because basically you are a piece of shit" whereas this is about "You are absolutely wonderful and these things can enhance your life..." and I love that about him.
Honestly, I love it when he takes control as the real him. It's much gentler and kinder than his alter (and please don't think ANYONE is complaining about the rough alter!) and sometimes he worries he's "too bossy" and maybe I haven't explained clearly enough to him that I like it when he's bossy, because it is backed up by such honest caring for my well being.
I emailed him that while I love his alter taking complete control, I also really like being solicitous of Mr. Wonderful. It makes me feel safe and I think I'm starting to realize why. My ex couldn't handle crisis or emergencies. He fell apart. And while I wasn't expecting him to handle everything, I was looking for a partner. Someone who could handle something, sometimes. Someone I could lean on occasionally and who could lean on me. I never thought marriage would be hearts and flowers and romance...I thought it would be a partnership of people helping each other deal with life and creating a buffer against the world. And all I got was someone who didn't like me very much and spent 13 years making sure I knew I wasn't good enough and on top of that, he couldn't take the stress of an incorrectly ordered pizza, much less a sick child or a true trauma!!!
Mr. Wonderful and I are not really partners in the traditional sense of the word and I accept that. My issues and challenges in life are still going to be my own and more so when I become a truly single mother. I made my choices and I accept that. But he does seem to appreciate who I am and he does want me to reach for more and grow and that is wonderful.
I think part of it is leaning, however I can, on someone because I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from trying to do it all alone. And here is someone who wants to take care of me and while there are limitations on how and when and what we can do, there is no limitation on his caring.
Believe it or not, all this soul searching and personal reflection came from 4 words. He's in Canada, I'm driving home, speaking to him for only the 2nd time in probably 4 days, loving the sounds of his voice, bringing up the topic of phone sex. He wanted to know if I could do that later in the evening after I was home.
I told him I could, but because my daughter would be home, I could have phone sex sitting in my car in the garage of my house while she watched TV.
"No sweetie, you're not having phone sex sitting in your car in the garage..."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I said so..."
Wow! Those 4 words. He wasn't mean about it, he didn't sound annoyed, just firm. Very firm and the matter had been decided. I almost had an orgasm on Highway 270, going 70 miles an hour!
I quickly said okay and the topic changed. (I did get him to agree to let me talk dirty to him as I drove and he jacked off in his Canadian hotel room, so hey, not all was lost!) :)
Shortly after we met, he asked me to meet him at a bookstore. When I got there, he announced we would not be touching each other. Just looking at books and discussing books. He asked if that was okay. I asked if I had a choice. He said no and that was that. God, it was so hot!
All our "alters" like the fantasy and the role playing and the teasing and I think will like the . But I love Mr. Wonderful for taking care of me in small ways, every day and for showing me that he is in charge and that is a good thing. If we were able to truly be together as a couple, I sometimes wonder if we would venture into the realm of DD. Not sure...but that realm is something I've been thinking about recently...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Meeting Mr.Wonderful

He put an ad on craigslist. He wanted an erotic pen pal. That was it. He made absolutely no mention of meeting, ever. I enjoy writing, I have a very active fantasy life in my head and I was not looking to meet anyone, especially as my marriage ended. So I answered. I sent an email to his post address. My first email was 1 sentence, exactly 5 words. "What are you looking for?" And we began. When we started, he was using a fake name (I would find out later) and I was using simply my first initial. We sent each other fantasies. Then he started asking me questions about myself. I didn't reveal a lot at first, but he seemed genuinely interested. He seemed like a decent, caring, good guy. A few weeks in, I signed an email with my entire first name. He left me a birthday card in the erotic section of a book store. All this before we met. Then we met. And it was magic. It is magic. I can't even explain it. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. I love him. This is not a "happily ever after" relationship, it came with an expiration date and I knew that. I don't know how long it will last, but the funny thing is, I can't complain. This is what I signed up for but despite this, I feel happier than I ever have.
Part of that is sex. I have had so little sex (and zero fulfilling sex) in...WOW!!!...5 or 6 years maybe more. That shocks me...because I have always loved sex...more on that later...
But I honestly feel like the biggest part of this was a month of erotic emails, outlining out deepest desires. Before we had ever laid eyes on each other, we knew what the other liked and didn't...we spent all this time detailing and discussing but honestly, except for 1 fantasy that involved spanking, I never brought it up to him. I don't tend to bring it up much, because it can be tricky, in my experience. Some judge...harshly. I didn't think he would, but you just never know.
I started off slowly, asking him to pull my hair. I love having my hair pulled. It's super thick, so it's really difficult to do any real damage with it and it just intensifies everything. He said he loved the way my body reacted when he did it. So once I saw how into that he was, I brought up the topic of his slapping my ass. He is very concerned about hurting me. He took the slapping my ass as a little fun diversion during sex and that was fine, at first. Looking at it from the perspective of "Hey this is more than I've had before, EVER..." I enjoyed it. Last time we were together (nearing our 3 month anniversary), he seemed to be a little more intent on slapping my ass harder. It was amazing. It wasn't an actual spanking, but it was coming along. The problem was, when he left both times (we met at lunch for a "quicky" and then came back after work for a few hours), my ass? Not even red. He gave me some pretty fair wallops too, but so much as a slight pinkish tint. That was a little disappointing. Also, what I realized was that evening, the next day, there were no residual effects.
These days I am all about taking responsibility for my own actions. I am really working hard on that. If I wanted a bright red ass and I wanted to be tingling and sore the next day or two...if I wanted my fantasies fulfilled, I had to overcome all awkwardness, all fear, all embarrassment, and tell him. I could not pussy foot around this issue.
I asked him first, via email, if he wanted me to do something and I was uncomfortable with it and said no, would that make him angry? He replied no, of course not. (He really is a wonderful man who cares for me). With that being established, I asked him if he knew that anything I asked, he could also say no to, because while everything was wonderful, I felt like he was the kind of person who might engage in something that was important to me, even if it was outside his own comfort level and that would make my enjoyment decrease and I didn't want him uncomfortable. He said he would tell me. So I just laid it out. I told him (knowing he would like this) that I would dress up in a school girl outfit and pigtails, and I wanted to provide a paddle and I wanted him to use it. The first thing I made clear was that beyond that, he was in control. I wanted to be bent over something or over his lap, but that wasn't my decision. If he wanted to scold me, call me "Young lady" make me say "yes sir" these were all suggestions, but none of them deal breakers. I did ask that he not kiss me, not pull my hair, not touch me in anyway while he was spanking me. I didn't want it to be a part of sex, I wanted it to be separate and if I didn't feel it the next day, then I wasn't really where I wanted to be. These were all things I stated with respect and deference, but I felt I needed to be crystal clear that I wanted him in control. Did he want to spank me and then stop and then start again? Did he want to just do it in rapid progression? These were not my decisions. In (obsessively) reading some DD blogs lately, the absolute hottest thing I've found is the Dom asking who is in control? Who makes the decisions? Who does this ass belong to? Who decides when this starts and stops? And the Sub has to say "You do." I want that. More later on my internal debate about DD & me, but I want Mr. Wonderful in charge, I want him in control, I want to completely submit to him and I want a spanking...ASAP!!! I want to at least get through this and see where I'm at. There is nothing about this that sounds wrong or undesirable.
Mr. Wonderful has agreed. He draws the line at slapping my face, which is fine. I mentioned it in a fantasy, but not that interested in it (too many possibilities of the outside world seeing any discoloration and not really my thing anyway). He seems turned on by it. So I guess, (hopefully soon!!!) we'll see.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Here it is - First post

My first discipline blog. I have another blog for general stuff, but a lot of people I know read it, so I decided to start a different one. What changed? Everything.
I am 39. I have spent exactly (to the day almost) 1/3 of my life with a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am ending that relationship (after a 2 year separation where we live together and the 6 years before that not being all that great!), I am looking at a new life, new opportunities and also reconnecting with old desires.
I can't remember a time when I was NOT interested in spanking. From the time I was a small child. I don't know why or how. It's a lot like my addiction (more on that later!). My sponsor says the REASONS don't matter. My mother occasionally spanked us, no big deal. My father, who was barely ever around, and chose to turn his back on us after their divorce, was VERY much a discipline guy. He didn't want us around but he was convinced my mother was ruining us by spoiling us, so while I don't remember a lot of spankings or whippings from him, he threatened A LOT and we were terrified of him. There was very little love. A LOT of fear. Maybe there is no connection because my fascination with spanking was never really a negative. I sought out books as a child where other children were spanked. I loved reading those parts over and over again. It made me feel...I can't even explain it. Maybe it was normal childhood curiosity. It wasn't an inappropriate sexual feeling, but looking back, it was definitely the start of sexual urges, maybe. I've never been molested, I've never really been physically abused. My mother, for all her faults, instilled a really healthy attitude towards sex in me and as I got older, my fascination with spanking continued...unfortunately I wasn't sure what to do about it. The people I was sleeping with, while nice or whatever, never felt like people I could approach. And if they were, and I did, they seemed to kind of freak out. Last year, I very calmly and with as much delicacy as I could, asked a sexual partner to pull my hair a little. You honestly would have thought I asked them to have sex with an barnyard animal.
So here I am...mid life (not old, but let's face it, if I live to 80, I'm 1/2 way there), about to be divorced and ready to move on. Ready to reclaim what I never had. A life that, in some form, involves discipline. I'm entitled to have a fulfilling sex life...I'm entitled to ask for what I want, and if I can't get it, to move on. My ex (still living with him, still legally married until next year, but absolutely most definitely my ex in every sense of the word) slapped my ass once or twice, but was never all that into it and honestly, I was so busy trying to make him love me, I didn't push the issue...but now, things are changing, things are different, my life belongs to is ( way around it...roll your eyes now!!!) brand spanking new and I'm ready to take it all in!