Saturday, May 30, 2009

Your friendly neighborhood sex addict

I blame Ronald Hargass. I was 12, he was 12. We decided to "go together" and he kissed me. And I immediately wanted more. It became a pattern. I always wanted more. I don't recall Ronald being all that fantastic of a kisser, but the sensation, the feelings, I wanted more. I guess I still do. My 12 step sponsor (and favorite person ever!) tells me that after 4 years of NO sex and several years before that of bad sex, that I am skin deprived. I absolutely agree. The problem is this, there are times Mr. Wonderful wants to talk, he wants to have dinner, it's incredibly sweet and romantic and there are times he even turns down sexual offers because he doesn't want me to think he's using me. He's just so thoughtful and kind. And I want to have sex with him. All the time. Now the man is not completely altruistic, he definitely wants to hook up and makes that very clear, but when he's saying "No let's just be together" and I'm saying "Unzip your fly", I just keep thinking, am I some kind of sex maniac? Then of course, the feminist kicks in, because if he were asking for sex a lot and I was saying "No, let's just be together..." I think most people would find this a very common situation, because that's the stereotypical dynamic, right? Sex crazed male, female wanting more substantial use of time together. And no one would raise an eyebrow about the man's behavior. A very dear, male friend of mine pointed out that no matter how far we've come, slut and whore are still insulting phrases used to judge women, while "Man whore" never really caught on! I guess it's just something I've been wondering about, if all those years of nothing have turned me into someone who may have a problem. Again, do I feel I have a problem because it's a legitimate concern, or is it that I'm a woman and we aren't supposed to "be like that".

So of course, I am seeking answers where everyone goes when they have problems. Google! One site says I show signs consistent with sex addicts, but I'm not quite sure I buy their results, because while some of the questions are absolutely right on the money as far as delving into people's psyche. Have you ever had sex with a minor? (NO!) Is your job or family life being effected by your thoughts of sex? (No), some of them, do you look at porn on the interet? Have you engaged in sadomasochistic behavior? do not seem like they should count against me.

So I guess I won't worry about it too much. And Mr. Wonderful said that he would start taking yes for an answer (haha). But after giving him (teasing) trouble about it, then I start worrying about "Well, does this mean we won't be talking anymore?" Of course it doesn't. We wouldn't let that happen. It's just hot outside, my divorce is kicking into high gear, work is absolutely insane and I'm horny. Not a good combination! So when I have a minute of downtime, what am I going to do except drive myself to distraction with paranoid thoughts? :) Maybe if Ronald Hargass had played hard to get, I wouldn't be in this predicament!

Happy Birthday Todd!!!!

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