Saturday, May 9, 2009

Here it is - First post

My first discipline blog. I have another blog for general stuff, but a lot of people I know read it, so I decided to start a different one. What changed? Everything.
I am 39. I have spent exactly (to the day almost) 1/3 of my life with a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am ending that relationship (after a 2 year separation where we live together and the 6 years before that not being all that great!), I am looking at a new life, new opportunities and also reconnecting with old desires.
I can't remember a time when I was NOT interested in spanking. From the time I was a small child. I don't know why or how. It's a lot like my addiction (more on that later!). My sponsor says the REASONS don't matter. My mother occasionally spanked us, no big deal. My father, who was barely ever around, and chose to turn his back on us after their divorce, was VERY much a discipline guy. He didn't want us around but he was convinced my mother was ruining us by spoiling us, so while I don't remember a lot of spankings or whippings from him, he threatened A LOT and we were terrified of him. There was very little love. A LOT of fear. Maybe there is no connection because my fascination with spanking was never really a negative. I sought out books as a child where other children were spanked. I loved reading those parts over and over again. It made me feel...I can't even explain it. Maybe it was normal childhood curiosity. It wasn't an inappropriate sexual feeling, but looking back, it was definitely the start of sexual urges, maybe. I've never been molested, I've never really been physically abused. My mother, for all her faults, instilled a really healthy attitude towards sex in me and as I got older, my fascination with spanking continued...unfortunately I wasn't sure what to do about it. The people I was sleeping with, while nice or whatever, never felt like people I could approach. And if they were, and I did, they seemed to kind of freak out. Last year, I very calmly and with as much delicacy as I could, asked a sexual partner to pull my hair a little. You honestly would have thought I asked them to have sex with an barnyard animal.
So here I am...mid life (not old, but let's face it, if I live to 80, I'm 1/2 way there), about to be divorced and ready to move on. Ready to reclaim what I never had. A life that, in some form, involves discipline. I'm entitled to have a fulfilling sex life...I'm entitled to ask for what I want, and if I can't get it, to move on. My ex (still living with him, still legally married until next year, but absolutely most definitely my ex in every sense of the word) slapped my ass once or twice, but was never all that into it and honestly, I was so busy trying to make him love me, I didn't push the issue...but now, things are changing, things are different, my life belongs to is ( way around it...roll your eyes now!!!) brand spanking new and I'm ready to take it all in!

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