Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Three weeks into our email only relationship, I sent Mr. Wonderful a fantasy. Prior to that, we had sent each other dozens of fantasies. (In the three months we've been together we've exchanged 1600 emails). These fantasies were all pretty explicit and sexual. However, this one, three weeks in, made me nervous when I sent it, because it was a spanking fantasy. A fantasy I had had since I was probably 20. A fantasy I had never shared with anyone. At this point, I was still pretty certain I would not be meeting Mr. Wonderful, that ours would be a strictly erotic penpal relationship, so while that certainly made it easier, I was still nervous. To me, it's something very intimate and hard to share. Now why would a spanking fantasy be harder to share than a straight sex fantasy? I think because everyone has sex. (Okay, not me when I was married...but you know what I mean...) but not everyone engages in discipline and/or spanking. And as I've mentioned, it's hard to guage how someone is going to react to it. So I hit send and immediately got nervous. I threw in some sex at the end of it, just for good measure, but 95% of the fantasy was spanking.
He wrote he really enjoyed the fantasy. He wrote that if we ever met, while he would never hurt me, he would make my bottom red. (Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!!) That may have been the moment I realized that meeting him would not be a mistake. That whatever he was or wasn't into, he wasn't judging me.
So why should I be nervous that today I sent him a long fantasy (real sex and phone sex has very much impeded upon our written fantasy life and I wanted to change that!). The first part of the fantasy was just sexual, things I knew he liked. Then the last half was a domestic discipline fantasy. (Basically, in general post-coital conversation, the woman aka me reveals a transgression and the man deals with it quickly and effectively). I know this man now. I know what he will do to me and for me. And it's great. But I was still nervous to send it and then once I sent it, I was still nervous most of the day. What is he thinking about it? And plus, since he's out of the country, I won't know what he thinks until he has access to his email or I talk to him later. Again, I know he has said he won't mind spanking me, but the discussions and what little we've engaged in has been fantasy role playing erotic stuff. This was straight up DD. What does he think about that? We've certainly never discussed it. Is that something I want to explore? I still don't know. If I did, would he be into it? Anyone gathering that I tend to overthink things sometimes?
In the end, I hit send, because I trust him. If I'm never in a DD relationship with him, I at least trust that he doesn't judge me. He's one of the first people in my life who hasn't and that feels wonderful. So I'll try to stop worrying and just enjoy whatever comes next. If nothing else, I've got a cool fantasy to refer back to next time I'm lonely! :)