Sunday, December 27, 2009

I Miss Sex

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Question for my friends out there

A question for my friends out there...

Has anyone ever heard of or been involved in a relationship where the Dominant member of the relationship forces the sub to discipline the Dom?

It's a fantasy I had in my mind and was wondering if anyone knew of this kind of situation in real life?

In my mind, the Dom is a woman and her sub must submit to her wishes, obviously, but one of her demands is that the sub tie her (The Dom) up, spank her, etc. and the sub is in big trouble and subject to his/her own discipline if the Dom is not satisfied with the punishment she's requiring her sub to the Dom.

Anyone confused yet?

Just wondering! Thanks! I'll be back soon. Crazy couple goes on.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bitchfest 09

Six weeks ago, I gave birth and somehow, this Monday, she'll be turning 9 years old. What the hell??? How did this happen??? But right now, on top of everything else that has happened with me, Offspring has taken an assessment of her own life, recently divorced parents, dead dog, split up holidays, has come to the conclusion "Well this blows and hey! It's all my mom's fault!" and has developed into the singularly most obnoxious child on the face of the planet. We are now deeply mired in Bitchfest 09 and the only bright spot on the horizon is that in 6 weeks, we can leave it all behind...for Bitchfest 10!!!
One of the first questions out her mouth when I told her about the divorce was "Who said they wanted a divorce? Who's idea was it?"
Now I'm no professional counselor but I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to. "I did sweetie and honestly, I wouldn't have had to if your father had bothered to treat me like a human being 1 time in the past...oh let's say 12 years!!!" No, I did tell her the truth and said "I did, sweetie." So she blames me, just as AntiChrist blames me, for breaking up what she perceived as a happy home. My therapist and her therapist (we get a group rate) says that until she's an adult and can get some perspective, a part of her will always blame me and may for the rest of her life. Friends say it doesn't matter if she's 8 or 18 or 48 when it happens, that she will take the news of a divorce badly.
Then of course, we had the dog killed. "No sweetie, the dog was sick and died..." "Well, Mom, the dog didn't lay down and die did he? No, you took him somewhere and they put him to sleep...that's killing..."
Oh dear God just please let her end up a lawyer! She spent an hour in the grocery store with my brother last night, trying to con him into buying a turkey because "A turkey at Thanksgiving will get my parents back together..."
Except I'm a vegetarian. (Tofurkee anyone?)
The biggest issue is this. She's not just acting out and lashing out and being generally awful, all of which I am handling the best I can, confident in the fact that it's a phase and things will get better. It's that she looked EXACTLY like AntiChrist. From the second she was born, we had to have genetic testing to determine maternity. And that's fine. She's beautiful. But she acts like him and she talks like him, so she's not just doing things to test the boundaries and see what she can get away with. She's doing EXACTLY the things he used to do. And I'm fighting my knee jerk reactions the best I can.
"I CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND!" is an oldie but a goodie and while I do say that to her, I am not hysterically sobbing and screaming it across a house as I had to with him, so I think that's progress.
Any deviation from how they perceive life, any bump in the road, no matter how minor, results in a melt down. A crazy, completely irrational meltdown that I don't think either of them can control
Last night, she's going on about school, and I was listening, while also focusing on a wet road I was driving on. I would occasionally punctuate what she was saying with "Uh huh" but I was listening. Finally, in a very AntiChrist tone of voice, I hear "Well, you're annoyed so I'll just shut up!"
And I couldn't help it. It just came out. "Don't tell me what I am!" Those knee jerks can be hard to control! After that I explained that sometimes people get upset when other people (in this case her!) tell other people how they feel. So I wasn't annoyed, but I was annoyed that she called me annoyed! At this point, even I didn't know what I was talking about!
In the therapist's waiting room, she is playing with a toy while this other mom waits for her own kid. Offspring announces a show she LOVES and I point out that she's not really allowed to watch that and she says, in a sweet, lilting, sing songy voice, "Dad lets me watch it oh and by the way, he's sad you divorced him!' and then leaning into the stranger Mom, she adds "That's why I'm here!"
The drama, the constant arguing of every point from her eye color to how to spell Pickle. I stuck a JAR OF PICKLES in her face and she STILL didn't believe me!!!! I have GOT to find a way to relax. I seriously feel like I am headed for a nervous breakdown at this point. Or a weekend bender where I fall off my 12 step program and eat every doughnut in the tri-state area. Hmmm...decisions, decisions...
I am going to spend the rest of the weekend endeavoring to embrace my beautiful girl. She has been asking for a bra since she was 3. Ever heard 8 going on 30? Mine's 8 going on a 22 year old cocktail waitress from Reno!!! She is SO smart and seems very mature at times and that can make it easy to forget that she's my baby. And she's hurting. And she needs me. It makes it easy to forget how easy it would be to ignore and blow off her problems and her life the way my parents blew off mine. This is the most important job I'll ever have, raising this beautiful, miraculous, highly challenging and spirited child and I may screw it up royally, but no one, including her, will ever say I didn't give it everything I have.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


For the past nine months I’ve been on drugs. Every day I was shooting up kindness, happiness, love, sex, respect and generosity. Every day, day in day out I would get my fix. All I had to do was make a phone call or send an email and I was immediately wrapped up in this amazing circle of unconditional rapture. And even if I didn’t request more drugs, they were still supplied to me on a pretty constant basis as no one ever had in my entire life.

And then it stopped. No warning, no weaning. No slowly reducing my intake. Cold turkey. And the withdrawal is ugly. I’m crying, I’m shaking; I prepared to stalk my dealer for a fix. I’m prepared to beg and plead and do whatever I have to do. I want it all back.

Nine months is more than some people get in a lifetime. Fuck that. I have passed all sense of reason and logic. I want my fix. I was already an addict, in an actual 12 Step program before I met him, so I know the signs. And I know how hard it is to kick something. The thing is, you kick liquor because your liver is failing and your family is scared of you and you get a DWI and you’re going to die if you don’t quit. You go into drug rehab because you’ve lost ½ your body weight and all your money and you are about to turn to prostitution and you are going to die if you don’t. You go into 12 step for food addiction because you weigh 240 pounds and your arteries are clogged and you have diabetes and you’re gong to die if you don’t do something.

This drug’s side effects were my laughter returning, the sounds of my joyous orgasms filling rooms, my heart about to burst from being overcome with delight. Why in the hell would I ever want to kick this drug? But I wasn't given a choice. My drugs were ripped from me.

I told myself that I was going to kick the habit on my own, on my time frame. Bull shit. I’m an addict in every sense of the word and that means that I lie…a lot! I lie more to myself than anyone else. I’ve been a liar since I was a kid and can still convince just about anyone of anything. I said I was going to kick it to call my dealer’s bluff. He was so generous with the drug, but it was not 24-7 and even when I had it every day, I still wanted more. I still wanted it every minute of every day and I wasn’t getting that, so I figured, even though my dealer never said he would, even though he was pretty emphatic that this was not a possibility, I just knew that if I told him I was giving up the drug, that he would get scared he was going to lose me as a client and he would make the 24-7 thing happen.

Before I could test my completely sound (to a junkie) theory, everything fell apart. I hit rock bottom like a ton of bricks. I can’t sleep. I’ve stopped eating. I am filled with thoughts of what I can do to get my drugs back, even though my dealer has made it crystal clear that this won’t be happening. I want to do things that I would never do in a million years to get another fix. And I lie, like any other addict, and say one more fix will be enough…just one more time. Let me at least be aware that it is the last time. Then I can quit.

I am powerless over this man. I am powerless over my feelings for him. It’s the first step when you’re trying to kick an addiction is admitting you are powerless and I am. So powerless, so miserable, so desperate. I’m right back where I was four years ago with my other addiction. Rock bottom.

I have a really hard time believing I am this person. I knew I was an addict. But this person is unrecognizable to me. I guess because I spent so many years wishing that AntiChrist would give me even 1/100 of what Mr. Wonderful gave me. And I still have pain from the end of that almost 14-year relationship; so many regrets and so much pain. And now this, which causes me to ask, when does love come along that doesn’t fuck you up?

They assure me it’s out there. People try and convince me. And you know what, if it’s not, I’ve never had a problems being alone, which is why I feel okay starting new relationships because if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be alone and that is just fine. No worries. When I’m alone, I can do as I wish and that’s something I have been enjoying since AC moved out. Alone time.

But these drugs I got were so strong and so powerful and they gave me visions, which turned out to be delusional hallucinations, of a life filled with the actual bliss of sharing an existence with someone who is everything. And whom can I blame but myself? I made him everything. I did this! And now I just want it all back.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Steps Forward

As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"

So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.

I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).

Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.

Monday, November 16, 2009


My marriage ended slowly. It was basically an 11 year death march towards its inevitable conclusion; the wearing away of my self esteem and love was so slow and meticulous, I really became numb to it over time. There was no shocking ending.
By the time I filed for divorce, I had already told him 2 years earlier I didn’t want to be a couple anymore. And the year before that had basically been living as roommates and the years before that…not that hot.

Ninja is gone. Mr. Wonderful is gone. And what I have to start accepting is this idea of a relationship being over quickly. Out of left field, life hits you between the eyes and you get the wind knocked out of you. You suddenly don’t know what to say or think or do because everything you thought you knew shifts and you fall down and it gets harder and harder to get back up. After a few years, nothing Anti Christ did or said was particularly shocking...painful but no huge surprises.

I still miss Ninja. It’s been a month or more and I still think of him and wish things had been different. Mr. Wonderful is gone as of last Thursday and I am mourning and probably will be for awhile because things just ended much differently than I thought they would. And even though I felt like the physical relationship needed to stop, I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend. And that’s what it feels like.

At the same time, is there a silver lining? 9 months of “I know the limitations” didn’t seem to prepare me for any of this, but is it important to learn something from a situation right? So this one is: I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone overpowering or someone who always takes control. I just need to be in it with someone who is strong enough to stand up for his or her own happiness. And it kills me that he wasn’t that person. It kills me because I know that together, we could have been amazingly wonderful and it may or may not be true, but it feels like he didn’t have faith in that. He had his own reasons for his choices and I will never judge him for that. I’m going to love him forever, like I’m going to love Ninja and even Anti-Christ on some level.

I asked him once if he believed in soul mates, that one perfect person made for you. He said he did…and promptly started to cry. But I think if I were truly his soul mate, he would have chosen to be with me.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that people like Mr. Wonderful are hard to find, but I also truly believe that there will be someone else out there for me who will eventually come along. And I also believe in myself. I have always been fine alone. Not lonely. Not self-pitying. Just content. Whoever comes along comes along and I will deal with it.

These empowering words don’t prevent me from hysterically sobbing down Highway 70W during rush hour for 45 minutes, but eventually, when I’m ready to start healing, they will be a comfort. I’m confident in that, if absolutely nothing else.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Off to the North!

My last vacation was probably 11 1/2 years ago. A trip to Portland, OR on my honeymoon. So what better way to celebrate a divorce than with another vacation? 5 days in Toronto. Offspring in the (mostly) capable hands of Anti-Christ. Full circle seems to be the theme. 1 month exactly before I got married, we got a tiny puppy. 1 month exactly after the divorce (2 days ago), I had to put him down. It was sad but necessary and is going to make me appreciate the time away, to relax, even more. The thing I've noticed since the divorce, since things have ever so slightly settled, is the silence. I've never enjoyed it. Cleaning the house? Hanging out? Music or a TV always in the background. Now I'm going long stretches with no sound. And it's amazingly comforting somehow. Listening to nothing but my thoughts. So hopefully I'll have time to update this blog once or twice on my vacation, since that is something I've gotten away from and truly enjoy. I'm going to explore a new city, I'm going to see some new sites and I'm going to see what the silence brings me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The State Fish of Missouri

That would be the paddle fish! God I love this state!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Swift Action

Copy and paste this link and tell me the FIRST thing you think of when reading it!!! Swift action! I took a quick break at work, saw this story and upon seeing the Governor promise "swift action" was instantly rendered useless and really turned on. And I don't even like Arnold!
I think this incident is a true gift to those of us within our community constantly on the look out for things we can perceive as spanking references in the vanilla world. Or is it just a perception? Maybe even as you read, Maria is over Arnold's knee, having some swift action delivered. How awesome would that be?!!?!?!
At my first job, I sit behind a desk, welcome people, scan their cards for 2 hours and 45 minutes and often, the people coming in are couples. And there are just times my mind wanders to whether or not they might be spankos. Some it's easy to imagine. Others not so much. Maybe it's just an occupational hazard of sitting and having too much time to think. But it happens all the time, especially once I've met someone's partner. I'm constantly trying to see if I can place them in a spanking scenario in my mind or not. There's no rhyme or reason to who fits the profile and who doesn't in the sick, twisted playground of my brain. It's just something about the couple that either clicks or doesn't for me. In my imagination, you either got it or you don't. And believe me, Arnold and Maria...they've got it!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Divorce Present

I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. Something small, tasteful where no one could see it (unless I want them to). I was leaning towards the Chinese symbol for freedom. Something to symbolize my divorce being final. But I wanted something immediate and I had planned on getting a tattoo on Halloween with Ninja. So I opted for something small and leather. It was Slut or Bitch. I opted for Slut. Mr. Wonderful got a few smacks in with it, but this past weekend, Ninja gave it a real workout. Plus, he also started talking about hepatitis and the fact that I would never be able to give blood again (okay I hadn't done all the research!)so this may be it as far as divorce symbols go, but the thing is, it's mine. That's one thing. I bought it and I get to decide who uses it.

This weekend I treked back to the woods for another wonderful getaway at Club Ninja and we alternated between Stinger and Leather Slut. Got a little color from Slut. Got a lot of sleep in the woods. Had a wonderful walk. Met some really nice people around a bonfire. While I think it's going to turn out that Ninja and I are better suited as friends, he went out with a bang rather than a wimper. Thanks Ninja!!!

Friday, October 2, 2009

4177 Days

That's how long I was married. 4177 Days. That was the total length of the marriage. I know it was the total length because the judge signed off today. I am no longer married. I've said I haven't felt married in 3 years or more, that it was just a legal thing and nothing more, but now that I'm legally divorced, it's still odd. Very, very odd.
Anti-Christ came over for dinner Monday (it was his birthday) and he and Offspring and I had a really pleasant evening. He can act normal when he chooses to (which pisses me off no end!), he usually just didn't choose to when we were married. But now we aren't.
I can go marry someone else tomorrow (I'm NOT going to!). It's weird to see someone in passing, just a "Hey, see you" "Okay bye" kind of exchange that lasts 30 seconds and know that you were with this person, every day for 1/3 of your life. To look at someone and think "I used to have sex with you, you and I made a human being together" and to not be with that person. I don't want to be with that person, but it's still weird.
He came to pick up Offspring the other day and he was wearing a shirt I had never seen before. I had this man's entire wardrobe committed to memory for 11 years and suddenly there are things he'll be wearing I won't be familiar with. Weird.
I know there will be all sorts of emotions floating around and I need to just accept them and deal with it. The whole thing sort of reminds me of being pregnant. Before I got pregnant, all I heard was how wonderful it was and how it was the most natural thing on the planet. Now I was really happy to be pregnant, but it was weird. Nine months of weird. It wasn't "I'm growing beautiful..." it was looking down at my stomach thinking "There's a human being in there..." that was odd. It was looking at an empty room and thinking "There are no people there and soon there will be and why? Oh because my body's going to expel them!!!!" Strange! Things strike me as unusual or odd or weird more than they strike me as joyous or tragic, I guess. Things that other people think are natural, I just sometimes have trouble getting my mind around. Of course, the things I do think are normal, I KNOW there are lots who will think those are weird, so I'm certainly not judging.
It's over. It's really, truly over. I know I'm connected to him forever, I know we will always be in each other's lives through Offspring, but being married to him is finished forever and it was definitely the hardest thing I ever did, ending this. And it was definitely the best thing I ever did for myself. And's weird.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Planner Code

I NEED my planner. Without my planner, I would be even more FUBAR than I am right now! The two jobs, Offspring and all her events, all my stuff and NOW, add visitation with Anti-Christ in there and I am desperately clinging to it even more than before. In fact, I got a fridge calendar to supplement the daily planner in my purse and am considering buying my 2010 planner in the next 6 weeks, so I can start writing down next years events.
I have everything from doctor's appointments to meal ideas in there and lately, I've taken to writing engagements. Now obviously, my planner is something that is very personal and private, but it is on my desk at work or in my purse in the car or by my bedside so the idea that it could fall into the wrong hands is always a possibility. Do I care if someone knows I have a dentist appointment on Thursday or Offspring has Volleyball Practice on Monday? Of course not. And time and space always being an issue, I've started abbreviating. VB for Volleyball, for example. Quick, simple and to me, easily discernible.
But lately, I've been running across these appointments in my calendar and realizing that in my desire to keep my social events private, I end up spending more time trying to figure out what in the hell did I mean when I wrote that?!
K-GS? Obviously something with Girl Scouts right? Or that Garage Sale I was planning on having...But K? K usually only stands for 1 thing these days...
(K-GS was last Wednesday. It meant meeting Ninja in a particular location more or less midway between us...fine time had by all BTW!!!)
This Friday-Sunday, B-Alone. That one gave me A LOT of trouble. B-Alone. Had I planned on wanting to B-Alone? Was I telling myself three weeks ago that this weekend I would want to B-Alone? That would be silly, because Anti-Christ doesn't even have Offspring this weekend. (Mr. Wonderful has free time this weekend and wanted to know if I could score some as well)
KR is the following weekend and, as my own codes become clearer to me, I now know that means I'm going back to the wild with Ninja. Although R is really the closest bigger town near his teeny, tiny town, so I'm not sure why I put R.
Maybe it's time to start actually putting Ninja and Wonderful in my planner. Worst case scenario, whoever gets there hands on my planner, may think I actually hang out with a Ninja and gain a new found respect for me. Or they may think it's life affirming that I have taken time to dub the time of 7:30 on October 3 "Wonderful".
I could abbreviate those I guess, but I'm afraid I would stare at 10/31 Nin and wonder if I had signed up for a symposium of Anais Nin or rack my brain at 11/6 3:30pm Won and think "I won? What did I win?"

Saturday, September 26, 2009


It was bound to happen. My brother moved in with me and he moved a bunch of his stuff into my basement and that meant cleaning out my mud room which had been filled with boxes, many of which had not been opened in years and years. So I come home and my brother hands me a box. Now he is fairly knowledgeable when it comes to my...shall we say proclivities. He doesn't ask for details (Yuck!) but he has a general idea. So the box wasn't a big shock to him. It was to me though, because it is another clue into this life I had before. This box contained a pretty good size collection of literature, paraphernalia, what have you. I found three VHS tapes of spanking porn (is it porn if no one has sex?) One I don't even remember buying. One I remember was not very good and the third was, if I recall correctly, very good.
I found some full length novels (my original 9 1/2 weeks, Volumes II & III of the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty Series along with a full length book of literary interpretations of the Sleeping Beauty Books) I found an old school, white, plastic vibrator and I do not know where it came from. I found some magazines and shorter works of spanking fiction I do remember purchasing, on my honeymoon in Portland, OR. I found some catalogs and a magazine or two I got from Shadow Lane back in the early 1990's when I was on their mailing list. I found a bottle of something called Chocolate Hot Stuff but I don't know the shelf life on it. I found some blue, fur lined handcuffs that also smell questionable. The box also contained a pretty nice pair of leather wrist restraints, a leather blindfold and what I guess would be described as a leather paddle. It's a long wooden stick and at the end is a thin piece of leather shaped like a hand.
It's this box full of things that all seem like they belong to this other person. I know for a period of time, back in probably the late 90's or very early 00's, I would occasionally peruse these items, but things get busy. You have a kid and then one day you realize that all your extra energy that isn't given to her is going towards trying to make a bad marriage work and then you wake up and it's 12 years later and it didn't work, but hey, I guess that's life. At least I've still got the box, right? And many of these items are certainly things the new me can appreciate. (Okay, I think I'm getting rid of the Chocolate Hot Stuff...)
I also find it funny that I bought a lot of these things on my honeymoon. I don't recall why we were shopping separately, but there was this little shop and it sold all this erotic literature and I just plopped down on the floor (no one else was in there) and went through what they had and bought some. In 1998, I was just becoming aware of computers and had never heard of the internet, but I remember how exciting it was to find this place with these kind of publications.
So as I am probably less than 72 hours away from the official end of the marriage, I'm being taken back to the memories of the beginning. And that's okay.
Even though I was already familiar with 95% of what was in there, it's still a little like Santa came early this year!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Downward Spiraling Slut

It's the newest yoga position!
September has been insane. Anti-Christ moved out 9/1 and since then, I feel like I've been in this downward spiral. Not depressed he's gone, DEFINITELY NOT wanting him back, just not wanting to deal with my life in any capacity that had to do with any responsibility. Now it didn't effect my caring of Offspring, she is loved, fed, clothed and cared for. But my work, my bills, my 12 Step Program, my house to a certain extent, my car to a definite extent. I've just felt tired and restless and unwilling to do anything. Again, I haven't been depressed, just not able to motivate myself into action towards anything. I also haven't felt like connecting to my Higher Power and that is something that is very, very dangerous for me. I haven't been bingeing, but my food hasn't been where it needs to be and I feel like I'm putting on weight.
My sponsor says that we aren't food addicts, we are pleasure addicts and I agree with that, because when it comes to the things that bring me pleasure, namely Ninja and Mr. Wonderful, I have been most proactive and efficient with my time and resources. I have managed to fill quite a bit of time with romantic/sexual activities and found myself enjoying those a great deal! I spent last weekend at Ninja's place. Wednesday morning, I took the entire morning off with the sole intention of getting my finances in order and ended up doing nothing except calling Mr. Wonderful so he could hear me have an orgasm as I masturbated. That evening after I got off work, he came and got me and we had a date. It was very romantic. We went to dinner at this place with outside seating, we walked around a beautiful park, we talked, we held hands, we kissed. The entire point of the date was simply to be together and have dinner. But as he drove me back to my car I got a text from Anti-Christ, who had Offspring and was supposed to be returning her at 8:30. It stated "715 Movie, Turning off Phone". I looked at Mr. Wonderful and within 7 minutes, we were at a motel, fucking like animals. It was sweaty and crazy and raw and passionate. He began attacking me in the elevator and didn't stop until we left, an hour and a half later.
The next morning, I got up a little early to send an email to PA D. (PA as in short for Pennsylvania). PA D. is a friend I dominate by email. I don't stay in touch as often as I should, although frankly, I don't want him to get spoiled. So I was emailing him and as I wrote the things I was going to do to him in the context of a domination scenario, I was overcome with this wave of sexual emotions. This had never happened before. I woke up feeling perfectly normal and thought "I need to write PA D." and by the time I was half way through, I was ready to start humping anything in site! I managed to get myself under control, wake up Offspring and get her to school and then, with 1/2 an hour until work, I started a chat with Ninja, while also (ever the multi-tasker) touching myself. I finally told him to call me and I lay down and he helped talk me into another orgasm. While not to the same extent, the same thing happened again this morning when I was emailing PA D. (Twice in one week! The boy won't know what to do with himself!) I've got breakfast and lunch with Mr. Wonderful on Monday and then Wednesday, I'm supposed to meet Ninja somewhere between his place and mine for many hours before I go to a parent teacher conference. October is shaping up to be a busy month with my guys as well.
Basically right now, I'm a hormone with feet!
But something else happened this past week. Honestly, (and this may have been my imagination), I felt like B., my sponsor, was withdrawing. She's busy, I'm busy, and she was out of town, but for some reason, I felt this slight shift and I can't explain it. I don't think she was withdrawing, I think I was probably isolating because I wasn't working my program the way I needed to be, but it doesn't matter. It scared the hell out of me. I love my guys and would be heartbroken to lose any of them, but I won't know what to do if I lose my sponsor. That would devastate me so profoundly, I feel like I couldn't recover. I also started thinking about my previous idea about having a different life than the one I had before. A profoundly different life, not just the same life with Anti-Christ removed from it.
So I took some action...
It started with talking to my Higher Power. I didn't want to do it, I felt very apathetic towards Him, but I had no choice. I basically just made a gratitude list, thank you for a healthy child, thank you for a place to live, thank you for a job, thank you for not letting me gain 50 pounds again, on and on. And I got a message, very clearly. (I get those sometime). Basically it was that I had my crazy time and now it was over. That was it. It was over. It was time to take action, it was time to move on. I started by weighing myself as soon as I got to work (they have a scale in this room called the Tranquility Room...a scale is about the least Tranquil thing on the planet but oh well...). 5-9 pounds or so heavier, since I've been on the same weight, give or take 4 pounds, for two years. Okay, at least I knew where I was. I went on line and checked my bank accounts. Nothing overdrawn. Another miracle. Most importantly, the next day I took my boss out to lunch. Now on one level, this was the cowards way out because the bigger boss, (aka the meaner boss) was out of the country and my immediate supervisor is the nicest person EVER! She will ask you a question, sweet as pie and then later apologize for "Coming down too hard". But I took her to lunch and basically just spilled everything. My disorganization, my avoidance of deadlines, the back log of work I had hiding on my desk, and ultimately, my sincere desire to be a better employee. It would have been so easy to just blame it on the divorce. She would have understood and been sympathetic, but that wasn't the truth. I was like this long before I filed.
Yes I would like to not get fired, but ultimately, I want to not be a liar anymore. I want to not waste people's time and resources. I want to do the job they are paying me for. I want to remember the steady stream of crappy jobs I came from and remember that this really is a good job. I want to be someone Offspring can be proud of. I don't want to be the weakest link in my department chain. My immediately supervisor said she appreciated my honesty and she called it "courage" to change things.
So those are my small changes. I still have plans over the next month, at different times with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja, but I also have a desire for balance. There are things that I won't be able to do, that I will desperately want to do because they are things that give me pleasure. But my responsibilities have to come first. At least they do if I want to be a different person. If I want to NOT be my mother. If I want to raise a strong, responsible, confident woman. If I want to be free of my compulsion. If I want to have serenity. If I want to be in tune with my Higher Powers desires for my life. Some of this may all sound just like the post from a couple weeks ago, but now I'm ready to take some action to make these things come true. It's not all going to be perfect and it won't be overnight and if I expect either, I'm setting myself up for failure. There's a phrase that gets used a lot in 12 Step Programs. Just do the next right thing. What is the next right thing. The next right thing. If I keep my focus on that, then I feel like I really can go on.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Part II - Stingers Revenge

I always worry that since Ninja reads my blog, possibly since before we met I think, there will be no mystery in our relationship. He saw a picture of my bottom a month before he saw it in real life! He knows things about me that maybe I feel like I would have liked to have discussed over time, but I gave him the blog address, so that’s my fault. He’s a good guy and I’m pretty sure he would stop reading if I asked him, but asking him to stop seems a little excessive, so I try not to worry about it.
I’m starting to think the guy has a photographic memory because he really does remember what he reads on there! I suspect he sees it as his manual to the joy and wonder that is me! (HAHA)
One of the first things he showed me when I arrived at “The Ninja Compound”, was that he had purchased not one, not two, but THREE products that had Arnica as an ingredient. Three products did present the question in my mind…what the hell is this guy expecting to DO to me? J
Shortly after I arrived, we retired to a pair of seats from an old Chevy Van (great song!) in front of his bonfire area and made out for what seemed like a long time. But as he pointed out, the two weeks since we had seen each other had ALSO seemed like a long time! I think we were still making up for the 6-week stretch before that! Mainly, we were just necking at this point. (Do people still even use that word necking? I can’t think of any other, but man it makes you feel old when you wonder what “kids” today are saying!) But the wonderful weather and the quiet lent itself to some easy, fairly tame reconnection with the exception of my nipples. WOW! Wasn’t sure if he was biting or what, but later, as I was walking around, I checked and 1 looked almost black. It was a little painful when he was doing…whatever he did…but not excessively so and certainly not to the point I felt I needed to stop him during. But after, I teased him that his nipple privileges were cut off and and the Arnica was applied fairly early. A few hours later, it was almost back to normal.
We spent the next 6 hours just hanging out and whenever I was within reach, he would kiss me. The whole thing was really relaxed. After dinner and Maverick Scrabble (Rules? HA!), we retired to our little corner of the world (i.e. trailer) to connect further.
Stinger had accompanied me on my journey West of course and Ninja casually confirmed this (the guy is probably the most laid back person I’ve ever met, so pretty much everything that is said is casual). But for the first hour or more, neither of us seemed really all that concerned with spanking at all. It seemed more about touching, getting to know each other on this physical level. It was only later, as we lay there, that he if I a spanking. (Do I want a spanking? I would say with me that is a rhetorical question 98% of the time, but still sweet of him to ask…)
So after about 45 minutes of being across his lap, during which time he just used his hand, I started worrying he might be getting tired. Okay, I started worrying once I came out of my near catatonic state of relaxation! J So then we stopped and lay down, I guess with the idea of sleeping! And the sleeping was sporadic, but wonderfully sporadic, because when 1 of us would wake up, we would end up touching each other again.
The next morning when we woke up, we talked and we fooled around and continued our explorations J and then we had to debate what we had time for…breakfast or Stinger. I was torn because I wanted Stinger but I was hungry as well. So pretty quickly I was back over his lap and he began using Stinger. This was my first time he had been used on my bare bottom and (total pun intended) the thing packs quite a wallop. Anyone who’s seen the pictures (and they are posted on the blog) knows that there are two distinct designs, 1 on each side. I guess he thought (and I would have assumed) that each side would feel differently, but they didn’t. I couldn’t tell the difference between 1 side and another. So after about 15 minutes I think of that, and a very generous application of Arnica, we decided to try and fit breakfast in as well. We had some delicious eggs and talked some more, before I packed it up. Headed back to civilization and I have to admit, on some levels, I was not all that anxious to get back. It was a little sad to leave all that peace and quiet and sad to leave him, but Stinger and I hit the road, back towards “civilization” a mere 20 minutes later than we planned. Me slightly sore, Stinger ever so slightly more worn, but I think both of us very satisfied with how the time went. (Oh and I think Ninja enjoyed it too!) J

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Ninja in his Natural Habitat - Part I

Blogger is acting weird. Downloaded picture but then I get 4 lines of data instead of seeing the picture UNTIL I hit publish post. Oh well...

So this weekend, I spent 22 hours with Ninja at his place. His place is hard to describe, but I'm going to go with rustic. It's 100 miles from where I live, it's almost in the middle of nowhere and it does not even consist of a house. For some reason, the word compound springs to mind. Various structures, most of them once mobile, dotted the landscape and the electricity results when he runs his generator. There's a land line phone, but I think he said he would have to hook it up. He always teases me that when I went camping w/ Offspring at the Girl Scouts Camp that I was by no means roughing it and I agree...especially now! This was closer, definitely.
The thing that struck me most, was how quiet it was. No traffic noises, no TV, no phones ringing, no other people. The occasional sound of something falling from a tree or a bird or a cow (they belong to his neighbor) and even less frequent, a cat meowing...there are a few running around but I only met Leroy. But the quiet was very peaceful and very serene and Ninja was kind enough to order up some beautiful weather (not rain but still very mild and pleasant). The trailer we stayed in had been pretty stacked up for a number of years, so while he did some readjusting, I walked around a little, talked to him, helped a little with the hauling and managed to clear the land of all the spiderwebs using only my face. (There were a lot of them and I think I walked into all of them, but hey...rustic ain't cheap!) :)
At one point, he was showing me a light he uses when it gets dark. It's a bright head light kind of thing that is attached to a piece of black rubber and it goes around his head...sort of like a miner's hat without the hat part. A miners head band, really. I teased him about it relentlessly and finally got a couple playful swats for my trouble. :)
But it really was a very nice time. We talked, we laughed, I kept nagging him to focus on getting a place cleared for sleeping because he kept getting distracted (okay, he kept kissing me!) Then it got dark. We sat in this trailer, with no one around, maybe for miles, listening to a classic rock station on the radio, eating cold lasagna I had brought (he could have warmed it up in his microwave but that was in another part of the "compound" and it was getting tasted fine cold) and then we had some fruit, we played Scrabble, not keeping score, making up words and running the words off the board more than once, and having a really good time. He told me that some women he has met have been very put off by his "compound"...some even put off by the description having never seen it! I guess I went in thinking it was an adventure (and he promised we would head back to town and get a room if I was unhappy with the place) and in the end I ended up feeling like I was able to let go of a lot of stress and enjoy.
Later when we went to bed, it was in the back corner of the trailer and something about that also appealed to me. I guess I'm a city person (technically a suburb person!) but I was born in the country. We left when I was about 5, but I spent a lot of summers down there and now, when I drive back there to see my mom or my dad, what always jumps out at me are the houses along this long stretch of single lane highway you have to drive to get to this small town. Some of them stand alone, in the middle of a piece of land, with nothing else around. If you drive 35 miles in 1 direction, you are in a town with pretty much everything you need (Walmart is everywhere!). If you drive 60 miles past that, you are in an actual metropolitan city, so it certainly isn't like you are completely cut off from all civilization. But I always liked these houses and how you really could make yourself believe that you were out in the middle of nowhere. My dad's house is on a few acres and while his closest neighbor is probably 1/8 of a mile away, you can't see them. It really does give the impression of just being by yourself. I always thought it would be nice living in a place like that, so sleeping in the back corner of this little trailer, at what seemed like the edge of the world, next to him, on a really nice, cool evening, felt very good.
Tomorrow...the good stuff!!!! :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Like Steve McQueen

I ain't takin' shit off no that was yesterday...I'm an All-American Rebel makin' my big getaway...
Sheryl Crow - Like Steve McQueen

Divorce Song
When my mother got divorced, March of 1975, she drove up and down main street listening to Bread 8-Tracks. Bread, for anyone unfamiliar, is a band that released a bunch of songs that were very much like my mother...maudlin and overdramatic. The other day, I discovered my divorce song. Like Steve McQueen. It's on the Come On Come On CD by Sheryl Crow and that line above says it all. While the best song, I think, is the title track (BTW Ninja, Stevie Nicks sings back up on the song Come On Come On) but Like Steve McQueen is a song that will put you in exactly the right frame of mind, from the first guitar lick through the last note. It makes me really believe I ain't takin' shit off no one...that WAS yesterday!!!!


You'll have to copy and paste the link (it's a short piece) but the link thing didn't work. Maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind to read an article on the secrets of happy couples, but this one? Honestly! Every couple is thin. Every couple is wealthy. Every couple has a job that is hugely creative and stimulating. (2 ballet dancers! A chef! Another chef! Someone who founded his own website listing nothing but the cool stuff no one can afford and OH! his wife is the creative director!) I'm sorry, these are not real people. Take a gander at them. Not real people. I am not going to listen to these people! I think maybe 1 of them was over 35, and exactly 1 couple had been together longer than 4 years! Come back and talk to me when you all have kids...and debt...and hair loss...and unemployment...and her ass is huge and he's bitter and resentful because her ass is huge...and they haven't had sex in 6 I was definitely not in the right frame of mind to read that...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Now What?

Anti-Christ is gone. He pops up occasionally to pick up Offspring or various remnants of his past life, but he's gone. My brother is actually living in his room. It's time to look forward. To...what? That appears to be the big question. I was telling Mr. Wonderful that it would be so easy to continue with the life I had before, just minus AC. Lift him out of there and the life I had before continues, less stressful, less toxic, happier. Less complicated? No, so long as we are connected by Offspring, AC wont' let it be entirely uncomplicated but my "team" (not to be confused with "my guys") of minister, 12 Step Sponsor and therapist will, I'm confident, help me as I navigate that. My lawyer (a temporary member of the team) says I need to bend over backwards and placate my ass off until the judge has signed off. I need to humor and appease and keep the peace. If the last 1/3 of my life has prepared me for nothing else, it has prepared me for keeping the peace with AC. I can do this for another 21 days.
But this does not address the future. My future. Maybe the place to start is the question who am I? Minus the label of "wife", with its subtext of downtrodden and abuse, and strip away the "good mother", because that aspect is not going anywhere, then who am I? Okay, I am a nice person, most of the time. I am a good friend and I try to be caring and considerate. I am a good listener, I think. I can't recall having ever kicked a puppy and I always hold the door for the elderly. These are my pros.
On the other side, I am not the most organized person on the face of the planet. I can be a procrastinator, although I keep putting off admitting that. :) While not a big, extravagant spender, I am not organized with my money. I am an addict and when it comes to my addiction, I have not entirely given up all of my past behavior, which includes lying, cheating and stealing. I am much better than I used to be, but I am not where I want to be. I am also not the employee I want to be and I am not doing what I am passionate about in life.
So what am I prepared to do about this? As someone who occasionally gravitates towards the over dramatic, I want to make a big, sweeping vow to my 16 followers (and those who haven't registered) that starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to change every bad habit I have, I am going to wake up tomorrow and find that it's the first day of the rest of my life. There will be assorted woodland creatures present to help me dress while elves in a nearby tree make cookies and fine crackers. (Okay so much for the diet!) :) Starting tomorrow, all will be different.
Except these are the vows I make to myself each and every day and they never work out. Unrealistic expectations that I want to happen immediately with very little effort on my part. What can possibly go wrong?
So I want to start simple I guess, because I honestly do not want the life I had. I do want things to change. I want a life that is different and maybe the best way to do that is to start with a day that's different. Now I just have to figure out how to do that.
The first step, according to my sponsor, will be to turn over everything to my Higher Power. That is probably the first step, is getting back in touch with him, because I have felt very ambiguous about my spiritual side lately. I have some theories as to why that is, so once I have explored that, I think the next step is asking myself, each day, why do I want a new life? And then find out how, within that day, within the confines of what I have at my disposal, I can achieve that. It doesn't have to be moving a mountain. Sometimes the significant changes in life are small things that add up, right?
One of my all time favorite sayings is:
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I don't know if making the changes necessary to have a new life requires courage, but I know that I am willing to say, every day, I'll try again tomorrow. I am willing to make a commitment to myself. And after a lifetime of worrying about everyone else, maybe that's a step in the right direction.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Guys

Okay so none of my guys "technically" look like this...but I'm not complaining. :)
Today was not a great day starting out. The Anti-Christ is gone. Officially gone all the time. But not content to sit on his laurels, he continues to attempt to make sure my life is as miserable as possible. So as I was telling my 12 step group last week, it feels like I have two options: I can continue to bend over backwards and be a door mat, accommodating him to "keep the peace" for my daughters sake, or I can be this total bitch who just says "Fuck you" and hangs up the phone and make sure I match him at every turn and make this as contentious and miserable as possible. I'm sure there's a middle ground for me, but it just isn't clear right now. I've been saying my serenity prayer a lot today, "God, Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change..." because I can't change the Anti-Christ. As B. asked "In 13 years have you EVER been able to get him to change his mind or even listen to your point of view?" That would be no! In fact, I've killed myself explaining my point of view, presented logical arguments, charts, graphs, statistics...never works. So maybe it's time to stop killing myself trying.
So I took the afternoon off, I met Mr. Wonderful for 5 great hours and then on my way to my 12 step meeting I tortured Ninja on the phone for calling me "middle aged" (Long, funny story).
I'm convinced that God looked down at me and my marriage and said, "You've been through enough" and he sent me Mr. Wonderful. Someone so kind and generous and loving who makes me feel so special. As I've stated, our relationship has its limitations, but his being amazing isn't one of them. But then, I found Ninja to prove that there was more than 1 person who might treat me decently in the world. And he's just this really sweet, smart goofy guy who's sort of cracked like me. It's going slowly, which is nice, considering how quickly everything else in my life seems to be moving. So here I am, playing the field, as my friend Dave points out. (Dave is one of my "honorary" guys, since we've never actually met in person!) The funny thing is, they do have some things in common...mainly telling me I'm sexy and funny and sarcastic (which luckily both seem to think is a plus) and they both REALLY like my ass. Now I'm not someone who is used to having people tell her much of anything nice about herself. In fact, 13 years with AC conditioned me to NOT expect anything of the sort.
The other thing they have in common is this incredible sense of consideration that just cracks me up. I don't mean they are considerate towards me (which they both are) but they are actually considerate towards each other, having never even met once! When I was going to spend 36 hours with Mr. W, Ninja kept telling me to have a good time and he'd be thinking of me. Um...okay. Ninja said my time with Mr. Wonderful would make me happy and he just wanted to see me happy. Mr. W keeps worrying that he needs to back off so he doesn't get in the way of Ninja and me. Then Ninja asks if I've told anyone about our next date we have planned. I tell him just Mr. Wonderful and he starts in on not wanting to cause any issues or problems between Mr. W & myself.
Seriously, what GUYS do this sort of thing? The two of them are killing themselves, trying to make sure THE OTHER ONE is in no way inconvenienced or offended or whatever. It's just surreal. And it's really sweet. And I feel really lucky to have found both of them.
Shout out to another "honorary" guy, Mr. Spanko, although I've had rather limited interaction with him and also his lovely wife is not a guy! Hey next post...My Girls! :)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Nigel the Master Craftsman

Ninja & I had dinner 6 weeks ago, give or take. It was a nice dinner, restaurant was a little loud but I did introduce him to sushi. I guess what makes it a little surreal for me is the fact that he answers a craigslist ad I placed for Mr. Wonderful to find. And I always told Mr. Wonderful that would happen. That he would place an ad to tease me and some woman would answer & he would end up dating her or vice versa. Seems vice versa is what has come to pass. So 6 weeks ago, dinner, pleasant conversation, a hand shake, a hug and departure. It was a really nice evening and since then, Ninja (or Nigel as Mrs. Spanko called him by mistake the other night on the phone and it's caught on!) and I have emailed, chatted and spoken on the phone and it has all been extremely enjoyable. I think in the beginning, it seemed to be going in the direction of a relationship that would turn sexual very quickly. A lot of innuendo during communication, pictures exchanged, what have you. But at some point, for some reason, it changed. It slowed down. It became, in my mind, something that was progressing very much in the manner of a traditional relationship. Talking, laughing, none of it in person, but still, this gradual feeling of becoming more familiar. It felt nice. Now, would the rest of the world view it as traditional? Would a "traditional " person view a man making a woman her very own paddle as the "natural progression of a normal relationship?" Maybe not, but I view it as the actions of a man who is very sweet and trying to do something nice in an area that interests a woman he is interested in getting to know better. That in itself if very sweet. So we met last night. We started with a much longer, nicer hug than last time. He told me he had something and out it came. And it was beautiful. It was so ornate and not at all what I was expecting. I just started laughing and kissed him. 2 small kisses, standing in a parking lot at a Phillips 66 station. I hope I conveyed how much I liked it. So after I changed my clothes in the gas station bathroom, the three of us, Ninja, myself and the paddle were on our way. I drove us to a near by state park, as we had planned and we began walking. This park is always deserted and while there were 7-8 cars in the area and lots of people around, they were all attending a bar-b-que in the pavilion and the walking trails were completely deserted. So we walked and we kissed and we walked some more. The weather was really nice and since we were in the woods and we started walking around 630pm or so, the sun wasn't beating down on us and as time wore on, it got darker.

By the time we came out of the woods, it was completely dark. The park closed at 9pm we knew and it was right around 830. The pavillion was deserted so we ducked in there and kissed some more. Then he started swatting my rear end. Now he's read the blog, so it isn't exactly like this was a total surprise or like he thought I would be offended or call the police. But it was nice. I had my jeans on the entire time. In crazy Spanko world, is that the equivalent of playing hard to get? "Of course I want you to spank me, but I'm an old fashioned girl and this is only our second date, so I'm going to need to leave me jeans on!" :)
So as we walked back to the car, in the dark and stood there kissing a little more, I asked if he wanted to try out his invention. Let me tell you, it took some convincing! :) But I mean, the man made the paddle...for me...from scratch. He engraved it with my name on 1 side of the handle and his "handle" on the other side...he used the "Stinger" font (my favorite part I think is the name of that font...because leave it to this guy to find it!) and he even put a small leather "Cat of Four Tails" on the end for easy hanging capabilities. I mean, the detail he put into it was just so amazing. Not letting him test it out would have just seemed rude. :)
The hand spanking and the paddle were both the same. Over my jeans, while I was standing, facing him and kissing him. And it was really nice. Got some sting and some really nice heat going. The heat is what stood out for me. Without the jeans, that probably would have changed, as far as what stood out :) which he pointed out but I already figured. And right around 9pm, we got in the car and went off to have dinner. A very nice dinner. We have this bad habit of picking loud reastuarants. This was a mexican place. We enjoyed the singer (okay we enjoyed mocking him), the guacamole tasteed like nothing but lime juice, but it really was a very nice, proper date in my sick, twisted mind (and he really likes my sick twisted mind).
We drove the 25 miles or so back to his car and although I think we both wanted to stay, it was already approaching 11 and he had to drive a long way home and my trip wasn't around the corner either. So after one of those "Good bye's" that last about 15 minutes, we were on our way, seperately. All involved (including the paddle I'm going to call Stinger) agreed it was a really really nice date and all of us can't wait to get together again.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Ultimate Multitasker


I'll admit it, I am constantly doing more than one thing at one time. Whenever I'm doing something, it always feels like I should be doing something else as well. Maybe part of it is having 2 jobs, a kid, a 12 step program, add into that, after a 5 year dry (no pun intended) spell, a social life. I can hardly be blamed if I am on the phone paying my car insurance bill while I drive to the grocery store...on my lunch hour...because in the end, there just aren't enough hours in the day! It's why the people at the last stop light before the highway occasionally get a thrill when I'm changing by blouse at a red light between job 1 & job 2. It's why I'm on the phone trying to get my insurance company to pay for my PAP Smear while stirring tuna helper and explaining multiplication tables to an 8 year old. I'm a modern woman and a modern mother. I am efficient, I am capable, I am exhausted. :)

Mr. Wonderful brought up the multitasking a few weeks ago, because I was going down on him in his car while talking to my lawyer about my divorce. There really wasn't much to do on my part, besides the occasional "Uh huh" or "No that's his, not mine". I could hear everything he was saying, my mind and focus were very much on the voice in the mouth was just doing something else...
The other day, I was on the phone talking to Ninja, from a bathroom stall where I was changing into my clothes for Job #2. (Yes ALL I did was change in there!!!)

I recently chatted with Mr. Spanko and Mrs. Spanko, but it was on different tabs and that's something I am pretty good at. I know they share both sides of the conversation with each other, but I sometimes like to fantasize that neither knows I'm talking to the other one. It's kind of cool. Thank God for the popping noise Yahoo makes when your chat buddy types in their reply!!
Before Job #1 cut off all internet access (BASTARDS!!!), I would chat with Mr. Wonderful starting around 615am at Job #1 and then Ninja would come on later and stay on when Mr. Wonderful had signed off, but there was an overlap, and so juggling two chats, while also greeting customers and selling them exercise classes...even I was a little amazed at that.

And once the Anti Christ moves out, it's only going to get worse. While truly evil in many respects, he never went anywhere, so I could leave the kid with him whenever for however long. That's going to change. I'm going to be a single mother. A single mother. Odd phrase. Feels weird.

Also, Ninja and I are going to dinner this Saturday, the first time we've seen each other in 6 weeks or so. So does that mean I'm juggling two relationships on top of everything else? I don't know. All I know is I'm closing my eyes and jumping in, daily planner clenched tightly in my hand!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

37 Hours in Heaven

So how did my mini vacation go? Well, often images can speak volumes! 37 hours of Wonderful. Our previous record was 16 I think. So we ate and we watched a movie and we discussed writing and we had sex. A lot of sex. OH MY GOD!!!!
Not to say we didn't hit a few bumps. He knows about my Labor Day Monogamy Embargo and at times he wanted to treat this as our "Last Hurrah" which it isn't. I mean, it may be but that will be up to him. I never said I was breaking up with him, just that I would be seeing other people as well, selectively. So, okay...there it is. But he would have moments of sadness, as would I. It's very hard when you love someone and there are all these limitations. But I think, for the most part, the entire time went off without a hitch. It was perfect. And, there was spanking. Now, to back track, I have posted a picture of my bruise in the past which was a result of Mr. Wonderful's belt during a fantasy session. I'm sorry, I just don't count that. Not 100% sure why, but I don't. And after that, it was pretty much a general slapping my ass during sex kind of thing and if it got more serious than that, well then it would divert into sex. For the one millionth time, not complaining because the deviation is so good, but I wanted something this time. I wanted him to spank me. Just spank me. So last night, after roughly 25 hours of every conceivable type of sex in every room of his house, he went to get the phone. I put pillows up on his headboard, and when he returned, I took his hand and had him sit there and I kissed him and asked him if he would spank me. He agreed, so I laid across his lap and hugged a pillow. My plan was this, if he wanted up, he was going to have to literally pick me up off him or roll me off or wrestle me off because I was not moving without a fight. This was not going to be prelude to sex. Not this time. And it worked. We talked, we laughed a little, he got some good color and some good sting going and I guess what he gave me must have fell into the same category as what Todd gave me the month before, I guess stress relief, because honestly, I just felt my whole body relax. It was really amazing together time. And while not a prelude to actual intercourse, it turns out there are things you can do TO a woman while she's across your lap...who knew!!?!?!??! :) But I guess what made it so special was it wasn't a fantasy. It wasn't role playing. It was him and it was me and it was just him spanking me. I love the fantasy and the role playing, but sometimes, you just want simple and you just want the guy you love to beat your ass and that's what I got! :)
I wanted to give Mr. Wonderful a shout out for giving me a really magical day and a half. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being kind and generous, thank you for being as amazing out of bed as you are in bed and congratulations on being the first person ever to help me achieve orgasm with their mouth AND the first person to simultaneously spank me and make me cum. While not a hard wired spanko, I knew you had it in you! Whatever happens, I love you.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Waxing 101

Well, I did it. I kept the appointment, there was enough (apparently more than I thougth) that was 1/4 inch or more. Some things I learned today:
A bikini wax waxes just the bikini line (two fingers in as Jenny my friendly neighborhood sadist informed me in a very cheery tone)
An extreme bikini wax does the bikini line and what's on top.
Then there's the Brazilian which does it all, and I mean ALL. Yes, I was a little surprised when she told me exactly where she wanted to put hot wax (I mean she hadn't even bought me dinner) but the funny thing is, she said that getting the inside of your rear end waxed was actually the least painful. Um...okay.
She said that many people opted for the extreme bikini because they found the Brazilian to be too much to take their first time out. We agreed that she would being with the basic and we would see where we went. I work with a woman who, no how clearly you ask her a question, she always always stops you and says "Show me...I'm a visual person and I need to see it on the system..." and then she has the answer almost immediately.
I wonder sometimes if I am a verbal person. I seem okay with just about anything, if someone talks me through it and learning new things is really fascinating to me. And Jenny was very good about answering questions, explaining what was happening. There were times that the act of ripping the hair from my body hurt more than others (and she was right about the was the least painful), but all in all, it was not torture.
Jenny was very professional and very thorough. She does a number of things at the facility where I went and said that doing facials was her favorite. (I would say that that goes without saying, considering that she has seen more of me than my gynecologist ever has!). I learned that while they say that Brazilian includes "the back", the actual name for it is a sphynx wax. They use strips of cloth made from poplin to do the ripping. They suggest aloe rather than lotion or cream for aftercare of the injured area. :)
Mr. & Mrs. Spanko and I were debating last night (after some wonderful phone sex) what the waxers reaction would be if I asked her to take a picture after she was done of...her work. Would she shrug and take it because it's something that happens all the time? Or would she be shocked and think I was a freak. So I asked Jenny about it, as more of a hypothetical issue my friends & I had been discussing and assured her I didn't have a camera. She said she had never been asked that and while it would seem a little strange, she probably would not object. (I was able to manage the pictures on my own though). I was sent on my way with instructions for tepid showers and aloe.
So I went and bought myself some Aloe after and what I got was the cooling aloe with menthol. WOW!!! I have no other words to describe this sensation. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice on my genitals and left it there. Not painful, not uncomfortable, just COLD!!!! And kind of....nice. I may keep putting it on after I shave myself!
Jenny kept telling me to come back in 3-4 weeks and each time it will get easier, although she pointed out that I hadn't seemed to have any problems. I don't know if I'm going back. I know I can't spend that kind of money on waxing on a continuous basis. She advised me, as Mrs. Spanko did, to get a better razor. So we'll see. But it's something I can cross off my list. Something I can say I've done. And I'll admit it looks kind of cool! Still a little sore here and there, but hey, as my mother always said, beauty knows no pain! :)

Friday, August 14, 2009

Single Life Conundrums

Someone recently asked me if I want to have any more kids. The question was a jarring one, because this is suddenly a relevant question to ask me once more. I’m going to be dating and “Do you want anymore kids?” is a pertinent question that is in no way out of line. I just didn’t think I would have to answer it again. “No, absolutely not,” was always the answer when I was married. We both liked having 1 child. End of story. Now, that story has actually ended and I have to come up with answers for the new questions in the new story.

Another thing I’m going to be navigating is the shaving issue. Apparently the general population wants a woman shaved and smooth. This has not been my experience in the past.. Prior to now, the people I encountered didn’t seem to care so I never took any steps to rectify this. Also, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I’ve worn a bathing suit in the past 10 years and when I did, I was 50 pounds heavier and the bottom part of the 1 piece were shorts, so no…maintenance of overgrowth has not been a priority.

Now, it appears it is going to be. Well I’m nothing if not accommodating. I tried to shave myself a few times. Then Mr. Wonderful attempted to help as well. We both had some limited success and looking back, I blame the razors which were suited just fine for legs and pits, but perhaps not other more challenging areas.

Earlier this week I was instructed by Mr. Spanko (of Mr. & Mrs. Spanko, my new friends I am currently having phone sex with) to shave before our next phone session. And so yesterday I tried. Again, doing the best I could. Last night, Mrs. Spanko gave me advice on the type of razor and shaving cream to use and I was again, instructed to try soon.

Monday night through Wednesday morning, I am going to be spending 38 hours IN A ROW, with Mr. Wonderful. This has never happened, so I thought, why not give him a thrill and get waxed.

I called a beauty salon place near my house and asked them about waxing. I have never been waxed so I got the low down on bikini versus extreme bikini versus Brazilian. Okay I make an appointment and the lady says “We’ll see you then…”

and I say “Do I need to bring anything? Do anything?”

“Just grow out…”

“Grow out?”
“Yeah, the hair needs to be ¼ inch thick…”

Um…okay. Here’s my challenge, I shaved last night and while I truly believe I did a piss poor job, the hair that’s left may well be less than ¼ inch. Do I get a ruler? A teeny, tiny ruler? (Those of you about to email me, offering to come measure…and you KNOW who you are, PUT DOWN THE MOUSE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!!!!)

The lady did offer that if I just came in, the technician would “Give it a look and see what she could do…”

Okay…I guess we’ll see!

Recently I received my performance appraisal at work and 1 thing they talked to me about was my attitude towards learning new things. Apparently I am professional, I am well liked, I am respected and appreciated as a hard worker and valuable member of our team. But when it comes to learning new things, I suck and they said as much. I become snarly and uncooperative is the general consensus. I agreed to work on it because while “Someone should really talk to me about my attitude” is my perfect standard, flirty, smart-ass comeback to my friends and lovers in the spanko world, I resisted the urge to say it to my 61 year old female boss!

Lately I’m realizing that while I may resist those new things (I’m sorry they are super boring and do not relate to my job at all, but I have improved…fear of unemployment has seen to that!!)…there are so many things I’m discovering I have absolutely NO qualms about investigating. I am feeling very adventurous and inquisitive right now. Things I thought would never hold any appeal, I’m suddenly interested in knowing…whether I try them or not may be another issue…or maybe it won’t.

Many attribute this to the final home stretch of the divorce, which is slowly wrapping up and at the same time becoming more contentious and ugly. I know there are those, even aside from Mr. Wonderful, who worry I’m going to jump off the deep end and go nuts but it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I get to open my eyes, I get to see what’s out there, I get to make decisions on what I do and what I learn based on me and only me. That feels nice. Someone please remind me of this as I’m having the hair ripped from the follicles in my body on Sunday! If I’m lucky (and bushy) enough that is...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Random Musings

1) A silent duck. I'll admit I had never heard of a silent duck before. I had never heard of "the bellows" before. I had never heard of "My hand in your pocket". And honestly, someone mentioned fisting to me and I thought of 1 thing, a full on fist inserted...wherever it is that people insert fists. Wikipedia has helped me to see the light on some of this, stating that this is rarely the case. But there is this picture...of what it says is actually the sign for the letter T in American Sign Language...and what struck me is that the notation says the letter T position of fisting became popular in the 90's. How in the hell does someone corroborate that piece of information? So we've got flannel shirts, grunge rock, coffee houses, Seinfeld, Friends and...

"I'll take popular fads of the 90's for 500 Alex!"
"The sexual practice that involves using the American Sign Language sign for the letter T..."
"What is fisting, Alex!!!!"
2) Today is Vinyl Record Day and I was thinking that my generation may be the last generation to remember the sound of a needle on vinyl, that beautiful scratch...and tomorrow is International Left Handers Day. And VERY nice try to my friend who is trying to claim he's ambidextrous in order to score some action tomorrow...VERY nice try.
3) Today I heard "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. I think I'm going to put that on my list of Great Songs to Have Sex To. I've heard the song like a thousand times, but never realized it until today. It joins the ranks of "Cry to Me" Solomon Burke and "Lovin', Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey.
4) My daughter's third grade teacher looks 16! It was the most depressing thing EVER! When I am old enough to be my kids teacher's mother, then life has officially decided to bitch slap me. On the plus side, she's REALLY hot so parent-teacher conferences will be MUCH more interesting.
5) Ninja says he's making me a paddle. We've been debating wood and I found this great website
which lists A LOT of characteristics of A LOT of wood. It's actually very interesting to read about all this different wood. I was very excited at the prospect of having a paddle made out of "European Hornbeam" but he said that his fairly rural area of the Midwest does not have a great supply of Eurpoean Hornbeam! So now, it's down to Poplar or Red Oak. We'll see.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Shifting Sands of Monogamy

You know like The Temple of Doom? :) Wait that sounds wrong...
So I made a commitment to physical monogamy until Labor Day. Why? Many reasons, I guess. But I guess I am thinking now about the idea that I'm giving up monogamy more than the fact that I vowed it.
I don't know that I've ever been a truly monogamous person. I began an affair with A., a woman I worked with, just after I got married to the AntiChrist. (Then he was merely in the early stages of evil). While I loved him and was committed to our life together, but felt this urge, this desire, I felt myself drawn to this other person and I acted on it. That was my last dalliance until things went way down hill years later and the marriage was essentially over. But even in the interim years, I always felt like the idea of an open marriage is not something I would have objected to. It just never came up.

I don't know now what I think about it. I know I always felt like I was happily monogamous to Mr. Wonderful for most of the past 6 months, but there have been different people who've come along. A man who was looking for someone to dominate him. We met once, we had coffee, we kissed three times and we parted. Honestly, I often searched for reasons why I met him, and at the time what I came up with was that meeting someone else made me remember what kind of a situation I was in. No matter how much I have fooled myself, Mr. Wonderful & I were not destined to be together long term. Sometimes it felt like meeting people became a way to see if I could break his "spell" on me.
And this is not to say that I am meeting people or moving beyond friendly correspondence indiscriminately. I am meeting with people (the few I have) because I feel a connection on some level, because they appeal to me and I appeal to them and we are interested in exploring that. But so far, aside from three brief kisses and very chaste, friendly hugs with others, I have not touched anyone.

This has been a big topic recently. Mainly because what I have told him is that given the chance, I will stay with him. I will stay and I will kill myself to be the answer to every desire he's ever had because if I work just a little harder and fuck him a little better, he'll choose to stay with me. Yes, you are witnessing a woman who thinks she can change a man! No, please don't clutch your chest in shock! :)
But it's what I did for 13 years in my marriage and it's what I would do here in an instant, if I close my eyes to my past for 1 second. I have to forever remember where I've been so I NEVER go back again. As previously stated in the aforementioned post (WOW! Who reads contracts all day for a living?!??!?) it's a sad situation.

And while he may not have been up on the theories and reasons behind my Labor Day plan before, Mr. Wonderful has been sensing that things have shifted. Things are different. They are still wonderful on a million different levels, just this ever so slight shift. Because now there is a future. My future...whatever I choose to make that. Mr. Wonderful and the AntiChrist could not be more different. Mr. Wonderful treats me like I am so special and so beautiful and so sexual and smart and I'm just not used to that! It's amazing and it makes me ache it's so beautiful. But at the same time, there's a common denominator between them and that is that something is missing from these relationships. Something endeavors to make sure I'm just this side of happy. I know that no one is happy all the time. I get it. But there are dead ends in both these situations. I pointed out to him that I will beat myself against the wall at the end of this dead end street until I am useless to anyone and have to leave in order to survive.

B. thinks if Mr. W showed up tomorrow, ready to be with me and only me, I would freak out or at the very least, be disappointed that I didn't get to experience being single. I can't say that is true or false. If I got that with Mr. W. would I be monogamous? Would I tell him, "Yes, you and only you?" I thought I would. Maybe I would. But it's a big world with a lot of fun people who can make me laugh. I've got a really cool guy discussing wood types with me so he can make me a paddle...I've got new phone sex partners...and while I feel a true connection to these new people, I've probably sought these out, at least initially, because I knew Mr. Wonderful, while a permanent fixture and I can't stop that and I don't want to stop that, while a person I love more than anyone I think I've loved before, is not going to be my exclusive, monogamous Mr. Wonderful forever.

And maybe the universe is okay with that. And once I push through the sadness, I'll be okay with it too. I can't tell anyone where I'll be in 10 minutes, much less a year or 5 years from now. And yes I will be sad after Labor Day, but it seems like that date is coming to me in an organic flow. Another shift. AC will have moved out and I can move forward with Mr. Wonderful by my side in some capacity and (SAFELY!!!) see what's out there.
I'm actually proud of myself for seeing the shift and going with it. Rather than spending more than a decade of angst filled resentment trying to change it and mold it into what I thought it needed to be.