Friday, October 2, 2009

4177 Days

That's how long I was married. 4177 Days. That was the total length of the marriage. I know it was the total length because the judge signed off today. I am no longer married. I've said I haven't felt married in 3 years or more, that it was just a legal thing and nothing more, but now that I'm legally divorced, it's still odd. Very, very odd.
Anti-Christ came over for dinner Monday (it was his birthday) and he and Offspring and I had a really pleasant evening. He can act normal when he chooses to (which pisses me off no end!), he usually just didn't choose to when we were married. But now we aren't.
I can go marry someone else tomorrow (I'm NOT going to!). It's weird to see someone in passing, just a "Hey, see you" "Okay bye" kind of exchange that lasts 30 seconds and know that you were with this person, every day for 1/3 of your life. To look at someone and think "I used to have sex with you, you and I made a human being together" and to not be with that person. I don't want to be with that person, but it's still weird.
He came to pick up Offspring the other day and he was wearing a shirt I had never seen before. I had this man's entire wardrobe committed to memory for 11 years and suddenly there are things he'll be wearing I won't be familiar with. Weird.
I know there will be all sorts of emotions floating around and I need to just accept them and deal with it. The whole thing sort of reminds me of being pregnant. Before I got pregnant, all I heard was how wonderful it was and how it was the most natural thing on the planet. Now I was really happy to be pregnant, but it was weird. Nine months of weird. It wasn't "I'm growing beautiful..." it was looking down at my stomach thinking "There's a human being in there..." that was odd. It was looking at an empty room and thinking "There are no people there and soon there will be and why? Oh because my body's going to expel them!!!!" Strange! Things strike me as unusual or odd or weird more than they strike me as joyous or tragic, I guess. Things that other people think are natural, I just sometimes have trouble getting my mind around. Of course, the things I do think are normal, I KNOW there are lots who will think those are weird, so I'm certainly not judging.
It's over. It's really, truly over. I know I'm connected to him forever, I know we will always be in each other's lives through Offspring, but being married to him is finished forever and it was definitely the hardest thing I ever did, ending this. And it was definitely the best thing I ever did for myself. And's weird.

1 comment:

  1. Good essay, buddy! I know families who went thru divorce and sometimes it is for the better. What would be "odd" would be if all of the sudden the two of you became friends. Not 'deep', but just friends. Some I know have done that, asding that now that the ties that bind are gone, they are more relaxed. Odd.

    I have a few aunts and uncles who were divorced and re-married. We were at a party and I remember telling one - "Of all the recycled relatives I have, you're the best uncle." A few were like (WTF!) was 'recycled'.

    "You divorced and re-married - you're 're-cycled'."

    He was laughing and my aunt didn't think it was funny! He said it was funny and that made us all laugh.

    Still, hang in there and take each day as a journey down life's long and winding road......