4177 Days

That's how long I was married. 4177 Days. That was the total length of the marriage. I know it was the total length because the judge signed off today. I am no longer married. I've said I haven't felt married in 3 years or more, that it was just a legal thing and nothing more, but now that I'm legally divorced, it's still odd. Very, very odd.
Anti-Christ came over for dinner Monday (it was his birthday) and he and Offspring and I had a really pleasant evening. He can act normal when he chooses to (which pisses me off no end!), he usually just didn't choose to when we were married. But now we aren't.
I can go marry someone else tomorrow (I'm NOT going to!). It's weird to see someone in passing, just a "Hey, see you" "Okay bye" kind of exchange that lasts 30 seconds and know that you were with this person, every day for 1/3 of your life. To look at someone and think "I used to have sex with you, you and I made a human being together" and to not be with that person. I don't want to be with that person, but it's still weird.
He came to pick up Offspring the other day and he was wearing a shirt I had never seen before. I had this man's entire wardrobe committed to memory for 11 years and suddenly there are things he'll be wearing I won't be familiar with. Weird.
I know there will be all sorts of emotions floating around and I need to just accept them and deal with it. The whole thing sort of reminds me of being pregnant. Before I got pregnant, all I heard was how wonderful it was and how it was the most natural thing on the planet. Now I was really happy to be pregnant, but it was weird. Nine months of weird. It wasn't "I'm growing life...how beautiful..." it was looking down at my stomach thinking "There's a human being in there..." that was odd. It was looking at an empty room and thinking "There are no people there and soon there will be and why? Oh because my body's going to expel them!!!!" Strange! Things strike me as unusual or odd or weird more than they strike me as joyous or tragic, I guess. Things that other people think are natural, I just sometimes have trouble getting my mind around. Of course, the things I do think are normal, I KNOW there are lots who will think those are weird, so I'm certainly not judging.
It's over. It's really, truly over. I know I'm connected to him forever, I know we will always be in each other's lives through Offspring, but being married to him is finished forever and it was definitely the hardest thing I ever did, ending this. And it was definitely the best thing I ever did for myself. And yes...it's weird.

Shifting Sands of Monogamy

You know like The Temple of Doom? :) Wait that sounds wrong...

So I made a commitment to physical monogamy until Labor Day. Why? Many reasons, I guess. But I guess I am thinking now about the idea that I'm giving up monogamy more than the fact that I vowed it.
I don't know that I've ever been a truly monogamous person. I began an affair with A., a woman I worked with, just after I got married to the AntiChrist. (Then he was merely in the early stages of evil). While I loved him and was committed to our life together, but felt this urge, this desire, I felt myself drawn to this other person and I acted on it. That was my last dalliance until things went way down hill years later and the marriage was essentially over. But even in the interim years, I always felt like the idea of an open marriage is not something I would have objected to. It just never came up.

I don't know now what I think about it. I know I always felt like I was happily monogamous to Mr. Wonderful for most of the past 6 months, but there have been different people who've come along. A man who was looking for someone to dominate him. We met once, we had coffee, we kissed three times and we parted. Honestly, I often searched for reasons why I met him, and at the time what I came up with was that meeting someone else made me remember what kind of a situation I was in. No matter how much I have fooled myself, Mr. Wonderful & I were not destined to be together long term. Sometimes it felt like meeting people became a way to see if I could break his "spell" on me.
And this is not to say that I am meeting people or moving beyond friendly correspondence indiscriminately. I am meeting with people (the few I have) because I feel a connection on some level, because they appeal to me and I appeal to them and we are interested in exploring that. But so far, aside from three brief kisses and very chaste, friendly hugs with others, I have not touched anyone.

This has been a big topic recently. Mainly because what I have told him is that given the chance, I will stay with him. I will stay and I will kill myself to be the answer to every desire he's ever had because if I work just a little harder and fuck him a little better, he'll choose to stay with me. Yes, you are witnessing a woman who thinks she can change a man! No, please don't clutch your chest in shock! :)
But it's what I did for 13 years in my marriage and it's what I would do here in an instant, if I close my eyes to my past for 1 second. I have to forever remember where I've been so I NEVER go back again. As previously stated in the aforementioned post (WOW! Who reads contracts all day for a living?!??!?) it's a sad situation.

And while he may not have been up on the theories and reasons behind my Labor Day plan before, Mr. Wonderful has been sensing that things have shifted. Things are different. They are still wonderful on a million different levels, just this ever so slight shift. Because now there is a future. My future...whatever I choose to make that. Mr. Wonderful and the AntiChrist could not be more different. Mr. Wonderful treats me like I am so special and so beautiful and so sexual and smart and I'm just not used to that! It's amazing and it makes me ache it's so beautiful. But at the same time, there's a common denominator between them and that is that something is missing from these relationships. Something endeavors to make sure I'm just this side of happy. I know that no one is happy all the time. I get it. But there are dead ends in both these situations. I pointed out to him that I will beat myself against the wall at the end of this dead end street until I am useless to anyone and have to leave in order to survive.

B. thinks if Mr. W showed up tomorrow, ready to be with me and only me, I would freak out or at the very least, be disappointed that I didn't get to experience being single. I can't say that is true or false. If I got that with Mr. W. would I be monogamous? Would I tell him, "Yes, you and only you?" I thought I would. Maybe I would. But it's a big world with a lot of fun people who can make me laugh. I've got a really cool guy discussing wood types with me so he can make me a paddle...I've got new phone sex partners...and while I feel a true connection to these new people, I've probably sought these out, at least initially, because I knew Mr. Wonderful, while a permanent fixture and I can't stop that and I don't want to stop that, while a person I love more than anyone I think I've loved before, is not going to be my exclusive, monogamous Mr. Wonderful forever.

And maybe the universe is okay with that. And once I push through the sadness, I'll be okay with it too. I can't tell anyone where I'll be in 10 minutes, much less a year or 5 years from now. And yes I will be sad after Labor Day, but it seems like that date is coming to me in an organic flow. Another shift. AC will have moved out and I can move forward with Mr. Wonderful by my side in some capacity and (SAFELY!!!) see what's out there.
I'm actually proud of myself for seeing the shift and going with it. Rather than spending more than a decade of angst filled resentment trying to change it and mold it into what I thought it needed to be.

In Case of Emergency

(This picture was TOO cute to pass up)

So let's say, hypothetically, that I'm in a car accident or get attacked by Zombies...it could happen...and while eventually, I'm fine, at the time of the accident, I end up in the hospital and therefore am unable to clean out my car...what then?

When Mr. Wonderful and I hooked up, neither of us had any accessories or implements. Our first night together he brought lube and two $1 candles. As time has gone on, our arsenal has grown, but as two people, neither of whom can host at their place of residence, storage has become an issue.

If I were to hypothetically die, I could care less who finds what. I'll be dead. However, let me assure you, I won't die. No way. What will happen, is my car will be towed and someone in my life will have to clean out the car and then I will have to talk to the person who did, or at the very least, I'll just have to know that they know what is in my car...and they'll know I know. I just have this picture of my mother doing inventory as she goes through my trunk:

1 pair of handcuffs, lined with red fur and 1 set of keys

1 Hannah Montana Paddle

1 flimsy wood paddle

1 Wooden Yardstick

1 black nylon spatula

1 red rubber riding crop (Say that 10 times fast!)

1 pink Soft Teaze Vibrating Dong

1 Micro Orbit Smooth 2000 (I know! I still think the 2000 makes it sound cooler so I add that part myself)

1 paper bad of white feathers (wait...this looks like a cat toy!)

1 bag of clothespins (unused)

2 bottles lube

1 bottle unscented lotion

1 bottle of Mr. Bubble

1 copy of Fairground Attraction, basically a novel about Disciplined Carnival Workers (Thanks J!)

1 pink and black bustier (there's your visual for the day Ninja...and NO!! I'm not sending any pictures!)

1 pair black fishnet hose

1 Catholic School girl outfit

2 vanilla candles almost empty (VANILLA candles...would anyone get the irony?)

10 feet of white rope

1 pair scissors

1 bottle of Sutra Safe Suds (for cleaning toys that are used internally)

1 lighter

1 List of things to do: Join Spanking Union, Order Proper paddle off Internet,

I try to remember to transfer the two unassuming suitcases that all this is stored in from my trunk to my closet after Mr. Wonderful & I meet, but the other day I forgot. And when I got to work, I remembered my make up bag had been hastily packed in one of them. So I'm standing in the parking lot, of a faith based corporation, with an opened suitcase full of sex toys spilling out as I looked for eye liner! Luckily none of the nuns were happening by my car...:)

If my brother were to clean out my car, he wouldn't care. But it'll be my mom...that's just the kind of luck I have. Then, once I've completely recovered, she'll be giving me this look...my mother is by no means a prude when it comes to sex...quite the opposite. It's not so much about worrying she'll be shocked as it is not wanting her all up in my business. If it happened to be AntiChrist who found it, I don't know what his reaction would be. Not that his opinion matters much, but who knows what he tells people or my kid.

Actually though, the whole thing has led me to a question. Who is going to be my "In Case of Emergency" person now? I'm assuming my mother, but she tends to be the hysterical type. My brother might work. I guess I could put my 12 step sponsor, that would be the best person for me, but I don't want to inconvenience her. Or I could just keep everything the same with AntiChrist as the one. In almost 40 years, no one has ever actually called my emergency contact, so I guess it wouldn't matter. But in 13 years, it's always been him and now, not so much.

And things like that catch me off guard. I'm so happy to be leaving this relationship. My therapist, my sponsor, my minister, every trained professional in my life, knows it was time to go 5 years ago. I had to follow the process and do it at my own pace, but I am doing it. But every once in awhile, something like this...not missing him by any means...but missing the idea that I KNOW who is my emergency contact. I was informed the other day I should probably join AAA, indicating that if my car broke down, he wouldn't be the one I would call and he always has been. Not because I knew he could handle a crisis (please believe me he can't), but because who else would you call? You need a quart of milk, you call your partner. You call the person you live with. We've been estranged for years, but if the computer doesn't work, then I tell him.
Again, these things don't strike me as sad, as much as they do surreal. I've spent 1/3 of my life (to the day) with this person. That's a lot of time. And if there is someone out there who does NOT treat me like shit, all day, every day, they are already miles ahead of AntiChrist in terms of being a partner, but it's just so weird to realize he isn't going to be here. He isn't going to be a physical part of my life anymore. He isn't going to be sitting next to me at dinner judging me and making snide remarks and criticisms. So YAY!!! YAY but weird...
Maybe I'll take comedian Steven Wright's excellent advice. He writes on forms "In case of emergency call...a doctor...I mean, what's my MOM gonna do?"

Tupperware

It is roughly 30 days until my soon to be ex moves out (God willing because homicide is swiftly appearing as a more viable alternative) and since we have been seperated (but living together) for a little over 2 years and the years before that weren't so great, I can say with definite certainty, that I am 99% ECSTATIC that this relationship is over. The number will fluctuate once our child is informed, I know that. The other night I actually got a little sad thinking about my vegetable garden while I have never set foot in, since I have a tendency to kill all living plant life and wondering what would happen to it next summer when he was gone. So I'm not saying I'm doing cartwheels...okay I'm doing SOME cartwheels. But today, I started thinking about the things I can do when he is gone. And what brought this to mind was my tupperware, most of which is the cheapter Glad stuff, not that it matters.

Now keep in mind, that I've considered myself single for 27 months, but legally I was not and logistically, I was not, as B. & Mr. Wonderful point out. So when I am REALLY single, AND living alone, in EVERY WAY, I guess it will be different.

When I am single, all my tupperware will be stored neatly, with the lids on the proper containers and they will stay that way. Years of angst brainwashed me into thinking "At least he put some dishes away! Be grateful!" but I don't have to think that anymore.

When I am single, I can bring in groceries without being accosted "How much was this?" "Did we really need this?" (This is really infuriating, considering how frugal and sensible I am)

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can invite people over without worrying about anyone else's "mood". Is he happy and polite and jovial? Is he sullen and snippy and menopausal? (I am 100% convinced male menopause...VERY real!!!)

When I am single and kid is with dad (or even in bed asleep) I can use vibrator whenever I want. Why not use it now? While I have my own room, this sucker is (or seems) loud.

When I am single, I can go get a tattoo and anyone who would like to offer suggestions on what to get, I am open. Something small, something tasteful, something that will be placed where only I and those I grace with the honor of viewing can see. Should it be something significant to the occasion? Like shackles breaking?

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can come and go as I please, and answer to no one. I don't have to have a reason for going anywhere. I don't have to make up excuses for why I'm gone. Where I go, when I go, completely up to me.

I know there are more and I know there are hard times ahead. The anti-Christ won't respond to any emails about the specifics of the divorce, so I have to actually speak to him. Blech! But how much does that speak to our current times? I'm sitting in a room, emailing a man who is sitting 20 feet away, on another computer? (Trust me, the talking thing wasn't so much working...grunts and insults are two things I WILL NOT MISS!!!)

But it's getting close. It's getting so close and my heart breaks for my child whose world is about to be turned upside down because of my decision. That is something that kept me here years longer than I should have stayed. But I'm moving foward, I'm staying positive, I have my wonderful friends, my family, my kid and my tupperware. :)