I Miss Sex

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.

Steps Forward

As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"

So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.

I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).

Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.

Downward Spiraling Slut

It's the newest yoga position!
September has been insane. Anti-Christ moved out 9/1 and since then, I feel like I've been in this downward spiral. Not depressed he's gone, DEFINITELY NOT wanting him back, just not wanting to deal with my life in any capacity that had to do with any responsibility. Now it didn't effect my caring of Offspring, she is loved, fed, clothed and cared for. But my work, my bills, my 12 Step Program, my house to a certain extent, my car to a definite extent. I've just felt tired and restless and unwilling to do anything. Again, I haven't been depressed, just not able to motivate myself into action towards anything. I also haven't felt like connecting to my Higher Power and that is something that is very, very dangerous for me. I haven't been bingeing, but my food hasn't been where it needs to be and I feel like I'm putting on weight.
My sponsor says that we aren't food addicts, we are pleasure addicts and I agree with that, because when it comes to the things that bring me pleasure, namely Ninja and Mr. Wonderful, I have been most proactive and efficient with my time and resources. I have managed to fill quite a bit of time with romantic/sexual activities and found myself enjoying those a great deal! I spent last weekend at Ninja's place. Wednesday morning, I took the entire morning off with the sole intention of getting my finances in order and ended up doing nothing except calling Mr. Wonderful so he could hear me have an orgasm as I masturbated. That evening after I got off work, he came and got me and we had a date. It was very romantic. We went to dinner at this place with outside seating, we walked around a beautiful park, we talked, we held hands, we kissed. The entire point of the date was simply to be together and have dinner. But as he drove me back to my car I got a text from Anti-Christ, who had Offspring and was supposed to be returning her at 8:30. It stated "715 Movie, Turning off Phone". I looked at Mr. Wonderful and within 7 minutes, we were at a motel, fucking like animals. It was sweaty and crazy and raw and passionate. He began attacking me in the elevator and didn't stop until we left, an hour and a half later.
The next morning, I got up a little early to send an email to PA D. (PA as in short for Pennsylvania). PA D. is a friend I dominate by email. I don't stay in touch as often as I should, although frankly, I don't want him to get spoiled. So I was emailing him and as I wrote the things I was going to do to him in the context of a domination scenario, I was overcome with this wave of sexual emotions. This had never happened before. I woke up feeling perfectly normal and thought "I need to write PA D." and by the time I was half way through, I was ready to start humping anything in site! I managed to get myself under control, wake up Offspring and get her to school and then, with 1/2 an hour until work, I started a chat with Ninja, while also (ever the multi-tasker) touching myself. I finally told him to call me and I lay down and he helped talk me into another orgasm. While not to the same extent, the same thing happened again this morning when I was emailing PA D. (Twice in one week! The boy won't know what to do with himself!) I've got breakfast and lunch with Mr. Wonderful on Monday and then Wednesday, I'm supposed to meet Ninja somewhere between his place and mine for many hours before I go to a parent teacher conference. October is shaping up to be a busy month with my guys as well.
Basically right now, I'm a hormone with feet!
But something else happened this past week. Honestly, (and this may have been my imagination), I felt like B., my sponsor, was withdrawing. She's busy, I'm busy, and she was out of town, but for some reason, I felt this slight shift and I can't explain it. I don't think she was withdrawing, I think I was probably isolating because I wasn't working my program the way I needed to be, but it doesn't matter. It scared the hell out of me. I love my guys and would be heartbroken to lose any of them, but I won't know what to do if I lose my sponsor. That would devastate me so profoundly, I feel like I couldn't recover. I also started thinking about my previous idea about having a different life than the one I had before. A profoundly different life, not just the same life with Anti-Christ removed from it.
So I took some action...
It started with talking to my Higher Power. I didn't want to do it, I felt very apathetic towards Him, but I had no choice. I basically just made a gratitude list, thank you for a healthy child, thank you for a place to live, thank you for a job, thank you for not letting me gain 50 pounds again, on and on. And I got a message, very clearly. (I get those sometime). Basically it was that I had my crazy time and now it was over. That was it. It was over. It was time to take action, it was time to move on. I started by weighing myself as soon as I got to work (they have a scale in this room called the Tranquility Room...a scale is about the least Tranquil thing on the planet but oh well...). 5-9 pounds or so heavier, since I've been on the same weight, give or take 4 pounds, for two years. Okay, at least I knew where I was. I went on line and checked my bank accounts. Nothing overdrawn. Another miracle. Most importantly, the next day I took my boss out to lunch. Now on one level, this was the cowards way out because the bigger boss, (aka the meaner boss) was out of the country and my immediate supervisor is the nicest person EVER! She will ask you a question, sweet as pie and then later apologize for "Coming down too hard". But I took her to lunch and basically just spilled everything. My disorganization, my avoidance of deadlines, the back log of work I had hiding on my desk, and ultimately, my sincere desire to be a better employee. It would have been so easy to just blame it on the divorce. She would have understood and been sympathetic, but that wasn't the truth. I was like this long before I filed.
Yes I would like to not get fired, but ultimately, I want to not be a liar anymore. I want to not waste people's time and resources. I want to do the job they are paying me for. I want to remember the steady stream of crappy jobs I came from and remember that this really is a good job. I want to be someone Offspring can be proud of. I don't want to be the weakest link in my department chain. My immediately supervisor said she appreciated my honesty and she called it "courage" to change things.
So those are my small changes. I still have plans over the next month, at different times with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja, but I also have a desire for balance. There are things that I won't be able to do, that I will desperately want to do because they are things that give me pleasure. But my responsibilities have to come first. At least they do if I want to be a different person. If I want to NOT be my mother. If I want to raise a strong, responsible, confident woman. If I want to be free of my compulsion. If I want to have serenity. If I want to be in tune with my Higher Powers desires for my life. Some of this may all sound just like the post from a couple weeks ago, but now I'm ready to take some action to make these things come true. It's not all going to be perfect and it won't be overnight and if I expect either, I'm setting myself up for failure. There's a phrase that gets used a lot in 12 Step Programs. Just do the next right thing. What is the next right thing. The next right thing. If I keep my focus on that, then I feel like I really can go on.

Shifting Sands of Monogamy

You know like The Temple of Doom? :) Wait that sounds wrong...

So I made a commitment to physical monogamy until Labor Day. Why? Many reasons, I guess. But I guess I am thinking now about the idea that I'm giving up monogamy more than the fact that I vowed it.
I don't know that I've ever been a truly monogamous person. I began an affair with A., a woman I worked with, just after I got married to the AntiChrist. (Then he was merely in the early stages of evil). While I loved him and was committed to our life together, but felt this urge, this desire, I felt myself drawn to this other person and I acted on it. That was my last dalliance until things went way down hill years later and the marriage was essentially over. But even in the interim years, I always felt like the idea of an open marriage is not something I would have objected to. It just never came up.

I don't know now what I think about it. I know I always felt like I was happily monogamous to Mr. Wonderful for most of the past 6 months, but there have been different people who've come along. A man who was looking for someone to dominate him. We met once, we had coffee, we kissed three times and we parted. Honestly, I often searched for reasons why I met him, and at the time what I came up with was that meeting someone else made me remember what kind of a situation I was in. No matter how much I have fooled myself, Mr. Wonderful & I were not destined to be together long term. Sometimes it felt like meeting people became a way to see if I could break his "spell" on me.
And this is not to say that I am meeting people or moving beyond friendly correspondence indiscriminately. I am meeting with people (the few I have) because I feel a connection on some level, because they appeal to me and I appeal to them and we are interested in exploring that. But so far, aside from three brief kisses and very chaste, friendly hugs with others, I have not touched anyone.

This has been a big topic recently. Mainly because what I have told him is that given the chance, I will stay with him. I will stay and I will kill myself to be the answer to every desire he's ever had because if I work just a little harder and fuck him a little better, he'll choose to stay with me. Yes, you are witnessing a woman who thinks she can change a man! No, please don't clutch your chest in shock! :)
But it's what I did for 13 years in my marriage and it's what I would do here in an instant, if I close my eyes to my past for 1 second. I have to forever remember where I've been so I NEVER go back again. As previously stated in the aforementioned post (WOW! Who reads contracts all day for a living?!??!?) it's a sad situation.

And while he may not have been up on the theories and reasons behind my Labor Day plan before, Mr. Wonderful has been sensing that things have shifted. Things are different. They are still wonderful on a million different levels, just this ever so slight shift. Because now there is a future. My future...whatever I choose to make that. Mr. Wonderful and the AntiChrist could not be more different. Mr. Wonderful treats me like I am so special and so beautiful and so sexual and smart and I'm just not used to that! It's amazing and it makes me ache it's so beautiful. But at the same time, there's a common denominator between them and that is that something is missing from these relationships. Something endeavors to make sure I'm just this side of happy. I know that no one is happy all the time. I get it. But there are dead ends in both these situations. I pointed out to him that I will beat myself against the wall at the end of this dead end street until I am useless to anyone and have to leave in order to survive.

B. thinks if Mr. W showed up tomorrow, ready to be with me and only me, I would freak out or at the very least, be disappointed that I didn't get to experience being single. I can't say that is true or false. If I got that with Mr. W. would I be monogamous? Would I tell him, "Yes, you and only you?" I thought I would. Maybe I would. But it's a big world with a lot of fun people who can make me laugh. I've got a really cool guy discussing wood types with me so he can make me a paddle...I've got new phone sex partners...and while I feel a true connection to these new people, I've probably sought these out, at least initially, because I knew Mr. Wonderful, while a permanent fixture and I can't stop that and I don't want to stop that, while a person I love more than anyone I think I've loved before, is not going to be my exclusive, monogamous Mr. Wonderful forever.

And maybe the universe is okay with that. And once I push through the sadness, I'll be okay with it too. I can't tell anyone where I'll be in 10 minutes, much less a year or 5 years from now. And yes I will be sad after Labor Day, but it seems like that date is coming to me in an organic flow. Another shift. AC will have moved out and I can move forward with Mr. Wonderful by my side in some capacity and (SAFELY!!!) see what's out there.
I'm actually proud of myself for seeing the shift and going with it. Rather than spending more than a decade of angst filled resentment trying to change it and mold it into what I thought it needed to be.