Wednesday, November 18, 2009
As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.
8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"
So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.
I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).
Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.