Monday, November 16, 2009
My marriage ended slowly. It was basically an 11 year death march towards its inevitable conclusion; the wearing away of my self esteem and love was so slow and meticulous, I really became numb to it over time. There was no shocking ending.
By the time I filed for divorce, I had already told him 2 years earlier I didn’t want to be a couple anymore. And the year before that had basically been living as roommates and the years before that…not that hot.
Ninja is gone. Mr. Wonderful is gone. And what I have to start accepting is this idea of a relationship being over quickly. Out of left field, life hits you between the eyes and you get the wind knocked out of you. You suddenly don’t know what to say or think or do because everything you thought you knew shifts and you fall down and it gets harder and harder to get back up. After a few years, nothing Anti Christ did or said was particularly shocking...painful but no huge surprises.
I still miss Ninja. It’s been a month or more and I still think of him and wish things had been different. Mr. Wonderful is gone as of last Thursday and I am mourning and probably will be for awhile because things just ended much differently than I thought they would. And even though I felt like the physical relationship needed to stop, I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend. And that’s what it feels like.
At the same time, is there a silver lining? 9 months of “I know the limitations” didn’t seem to prepare me for any of this, but is it important to learn something from a situation right? So this one is: I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone overpowering or someone who always takes control. I just need to be in it with someone who is strong enough to stand up for his or her own happiness. And it kills me that he wasn’t that person. It kills me because I know that together, we could have been amazingly wonderful and it may or may not be true, but it feels like he didn’t have faith in that. He had his own reasons for his choices and I will never judge him for that. I’m going to love him forever, like I’m going to love Ninja and even Anti-Christ on some level.
I asked him once if he believed in soul mates, that one perfect person made for you. He said he did…and promptly started to cry. But I think if I were truly his soul mate, he would have chosen to be with me.
The thing is, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that people like Mr. Wonderful are hard to find, but I also truly believe that there will be someone else out there for me who will eventually come along. And I also believe in myself. I have always been fine alone. Not lonely. Not self-pitying. Just content. Whoever comes along comes along and I will deal with it.
These empowering words don’t prevent me from hysterically sobbing down Highway 70W during rush hour for 45 minutes, but eventually, when I’m ready to start healing, they will be a comfort. I’m confident in that, if absolutely nothing else.