Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Question for my friends out there

A question for my friends out there...

Has anyone ever heard of or been involved in a relationship where the Dominant member of the relationship forces the sub to discipline the Dom?

It's a fantasy I had in my mind and was wondering if anyone knew of this kind of situation in real life?

In my mind, the Dom is a woman and her sub must submit to her wishes, obviously, but one of her demands is that the sub tie her (The Dom) up, spank her, etc. and the sub is in big trouble and subject to his/her own discipline if the Dom is not satisfied with the punishment she's requiring her sub to the Dom.

Anyone confused yet?

Just wondering! Thanks! I'll be back soon. Crazy couple goes on.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bitchfest 09

Six weeks ago, I gave birth and somehow, this Monday, she'll be turning 9 years old. What the hell??? How did this happen??? But right now, on top of everything else that has happened with me, Offspring has taken an assessment of her own life, recently divorced parents, dead dog, split up holidays, has come to the conclusion "Well this blows and hey! It's all my mom's fault!" and has developed into the singularly most obnoxious child on the face of the planet. We are now deeply mired in Bitchfest 09 and the only bright spot on the horizon is that in 6 weeks, we can leave it all behind...for Bitchfest 10!!!
One of the first questions out her mouth when I told her about the divorce was "Who said they wanted a divorce? Who's idea was it?"
Now I'm no professional counselor but I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to. "I did sweetie and honestly, I wouldn't have had to if your father had bothered to treat me like a human being 1 time in the past...oh let's say 12 years!!!" No, I did tell her the truth and said "I did, sweetie." So she blames me, just as AntiChrist blames me, for breaking up what she perceived as a happy home. My therapist and her therapist (we get a group rate) says that until she's an adult and can get some perspective, a part of her will always blame me and may for the rest of her life. Friends say it doesn't matter if she's 8 or 18 or 48 when it happens, that she will take the news of a divorce badly.
Then of course, we had the dog killed. "No sweetie, the dog was sick and died..." "Well, Mom, the dog didn't lay down and die did he? No, you took him somewhere and they put him to sleep...that's killing..."
Oh dear God just please let her end up a lawyer! She spent an hour in the grocery store with my brother last night, trying to con him into buying a turkey because "A turkey at Thanksgiving will get my parents back together..."
Except I'm a vegetarian. (Tofurkee anyone?)
The biggest issue is this. She's not just acting out and lashing out and being generally awful, all of which I am handling the best I can, confident in the fact that it's a phase and things will get better. It's that she looked EXACTLY like AntiChrist. From the second she was born, we had to have genetic testing to determine maternity. And that's fine. She's beautiful. But she acts like him and she talks like him, so she's not just doing things to test the boundaries and see what she can get away with. She's doing EXACTLY the things he used to do. And I'm fighting my knee jerk reactions the best I can.
"I CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND!" is an oldie but a goodie and while I do say that to her, I am not hysterically sobbing and screaming it across a house as I had to with him, so I think that's progress.
Any deviation from how they perceive life, any bump in the road, no matter how minor, results in a melt down. A crazy, completely irrational meltdown that I don't think either of them can control
Last night, she's going on about school, and I was listening, while also focusing on a wet road I was driving on. I would occasionally punctuate what she was saying with "Uh huh" but I was listening. Finally, in a very AntiChrist tone of voice, I hear "Well, you're annoyed so I'll just shut up!"
And I couldn't help it. It just came out. "Don't tell me what I am!" Those knee jerks can be hard to control! After that I explained that sometimes people get upset when other people (in this case her!) tell other people how they feel. So I wasn't annoyed, but I was annoyed that she called me annoyed! At this point, even I didn't know what I was talking about!
In the therapist's waiting room, she is playing with a toy while this other mom waits for her own kid. Offspring announces a show she LOVES and I point out that she's not really allowed to watch that and she says, in a sweet, lilting, sing songy voice, "Dad lets me watch it oh and by the way, he's sad you divorced him!' and then leaning into the stranger Mom, she adds "That's why I'm here!"
The drama, the constant arguing of every point from her eye color to how to spell Pickle. I stuck a JAR OF PICKLES in her face and she STILL didn't believe me!!!! I have GOT to find a way to relax. I seriously feel like I am headed for a nervous breakdown at this point. Or a weekend bender where I fall off my 12 step program and eat every doughnut in the tri-state area. Hmmm...decisions, decisions...
I am going to spend the rest of the weekend endeavoring to embrace my beautiful girl. She has been asking for a bra since she was 3. Ever heard 8 going on 30? Mine's 8 going on a 22 year old cocktail waitress from Reno!!! She is SO smart and seems very mature at times and that can make it easy to forget that she's my baby. And she's hurting. And she needs me. It makes it easy to forget how easy it would be to ignore and blow off her problems and her life the way my parents blew off mine. This is the most important job I'll ever have, raising this beautiful, miraculous, highly challenging and spirited child and I may screw it up royally, but no one, including her, will ever say I didn't give it everything I have.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


For the past nine months I’ve been on drugs. Every day I was shooting up kindness, happiness, love, sex, respect and generosity. Every day, day in day out I would get my fix. All I had to do was make a phone call or send an email and I was immediately wrapped up in this amazing circle of unconditional rapture. And even if I didn’t request more drugs, they were still supplied to me on a pretty constant basis as no one ever had in my entire life.

And then it stopped. No warning, no weaning. No slowly reducing my intake. Cold turkey. And the withdrawal is ugly. I’m crying, I’m shaking; I prepared to stalk my dealer for a fix. I’m prepared to beg and plead and do whatever I have to do. I want it all back.

Nine months is more than some people get in a lifetime. Fuck that. I have passed all sense of reason and logic. I want my fix. I was already an addict, in an actual 12 Step program before I met him, so I know the signs. And I know how hard it is to kick something. The thing is, you kick liquor because your liver is failing and your family is scared of you and you get a DWI and you’re going to die if you don’t quit. You go into drug rehab because you’ve lost ½ your body weight and all your money and you are about to turn to prostitution and you are going to die if you don’t. You go into 12 step for food addiction because you weigh 240 pounds and your arteries are clogged and you have diabetes and you’re gong to die if you don’t do something.

This drug’s side effects were my laughter returning, the sounds of my joyous orgasms filling rooms, my heart about to burst from being overcome with delight. Why in the hell would I ever want to kick this drug? But I wasn't given a choice. My drugs were ripped from me.

I told myself that I was going to kick the habit on my own, on my time frame. Bull shit. I’m an addict in every sense of the word and that means that I lie…a lot! I lie more to myself than anyone else. I’ve been a liar since I was a kid and can still convince just about anyone of anything. I said I was going to kick it to call my dealer’s bluff. He was so generous with the drug, but it was not 24-7 and even when I had it every day, I still wanted more. I still wanted it every minute of every day and I wasn’t getting that, so I figured, even though my dealer never said he would, even though he was pretty emphatic that this was not a possibility, I just knew that if I told him I was giving up the drug, that he would get scared he was going to lose me as a client and he would make the 24-7 thing happen.

Before I could test my completely sound (to a junkie) theory, everything fell apart. I hit rock bottom like a ton of bricks. I can’t sleep. I’ve stopped eating. I am filled with thoughts of what I can do to get my drugs back, even though my dealer has made it crystal clear that this won’t be happening. I want to do things that I would never do in a million years to get another fix. And I lie, like any other addict, and say one more fix will be enough…just one more time. Let me at least be aware that it is the last time. Then I can quit.

I am powerless over this man. I am powerless over my feelings for him. It’s the first step when you’re trying to kick an addiction is admitting you are powerless and I am. So powerless, so miserable, so desperate. I’m right back where I was four years ago with my other addiction. Rock bottom.

I have a really hard time believing I am this person. I knew I was an addict. But this person is unrecognizable to me. I guess because I spent so many years wishing that AntiChrist would give me even 1/100 of what Mr. Wonderful gave me. And I still have pain from the end of that almost 14-year relationship; so many regrets and so much pain. And now this, which causes me to ask, when does love come along that doesn’t fuck you up?

They assure me it’s out there. People try and convince me. And you know what, if it’s not, I’ve never had a problems being alone, which is why I feel okay starting new relationships because if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be alone and that is just fine. No worries. When I’m alone, I can do as I wish and that’s something I have been enjoying since AC moved out. Alone time.

But these drugs I got were so strong and so powerful and they gave me visions, which turned out to be delusional hallucinations, of a life filled with the actual bliss of sharing an existence with someone who is everything. And whom can I blame but myself? I made him everything. I did this! And now I just want it all back.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Steps Forward

As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"

So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.

I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).

Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.

Monday, November 16, 2009


My marriage ended slowly. It was basically an 11 year death march towards its inevitable conclusion; the wearing away of my self esteem and love was so slow and meticulous, I really became numb to it over time. There was no shocking ending.
By the time I filed for divorce, I had already told him 2 years earlier I didn’t want to be a couple anymore. And the year before that had basically been living as roommates and the years before that…not that hot.

Ninja is gone. Mr. Wonderful is gone. And what I have to start accepting is this idea of a relationship being over quickly. Out of left field, life hits you between the eyes and you get the wind knocked out of you. You suddenly don’t know what to say or think or do because everything you thought you knew shifts and you fall down and it gets harder and harder to get back up. After a few years, nothing Anti Christ did or said was particularly shocking...painful but no huge surprises.

I still miss Ninja. It’s been a month or more and I still think of him and wish things had been different. Mr. Wonderful is gone as of last Thursday and I am mourning and probably will be for awhile because things just ended much differently than I thought they would. And even though I felt like the physical relationship needed to stop, I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend. And that’s what it feels like.

At the same time, is there a silver lining? 9 months of “I know the limitations” didn’t seem to prepare me for any of this, but is it important to learn something from a situation right? So this one is: I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone overpowering or someone who always takes control. I just need to be in it with someone who is strong enough to stand up for his or her own happiness. And it kills me that he wasn’t that person. It kills me because I know that together, we could have been amazingly wonderful and it may or may not be true, but it feels like he didn’t have faith in that. He had his own reasons for his choices and I will never judge him for that. I’m going to love him forever, like I’m going to love Ninja and even Anti-Christ on some level.

I asked him once if he believed in soul mates, that one perfect person made for you. He said he did…and promptly started to cry. But I think if I were truly his soul mate, he would have chosen to be with me.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that people like Mr. Wonderful are hard to find, but I also truly believe that there will be someone else out there for me who will eventually come along. And I also believe in myself. I have always been fine alone. Not lonely. Not self-pitying. Just content. Whoever comes along comes along and I will deal with it.

These empowering words don’t prevent me from hysterically sobbing down Highway 70W during rush hour for 45 minutes, but eventually, when I’m ready to start healing, they will be a comfort. I’m confident in that, if absolutely nothing else.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Off to the North!

My last vacation was probably 11 1/2 years ago. A trip to Portland, OR on my honeymoon. So what better way to celebrate a divorce than with another vacation? 5 days in Toronto. Offspring in the (mostly) capable hands of Anti-Christ. Full circle seems to be the theme. 1 month exactly before I got married, we got a tiny puppy. 1 month exactly after the divorce (2 days ago), I had to put him down. It was sad but necessary and is going to make me appreciate the time away, to relax, even more. The thing I've noticed since the divorce, since things have ever so slightly settled, is the silence. I've never enjoyed it. Cleaning the house? Hanging out? Music or a TV always in the background. Now I'm going long stretches with no sound. And it's amazingly comforting somehow. Listening to nothing but my thoughts. So hopefully I'll have time to update this blog once or twice on my vacation, since that is something I've gotten away from and truly enjoy. I'm going to explore a new city, I'm going to see some new sites and I'm going to see what the silence brings me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The State Fish of Missouri

That would be the paddle fish! God I love this state!!!!!!!