Downward Spiraling Slut

It's the newest yoga position!
September has been insane. Anti-Christ moved out 9/1 and since then, I feel like I've been in this downward spiral. Not depressed he's gone, DEFINITELY NOT wanting him back, just not wanting to deal with my life in any capacity that had to do with any responsibility. Now it didn't effect my caring of Offspring, she is loved, fed, clothed and cared for. But my work, my bills, my 12 Step Program, my house to a certain extent, my car to a definite extent. I've just felt tired and restless and unwilling to do anything. Again, I haven't been depressed, just not able to motivate myself into action towards anything. I also haven't felt like connecting to my Higher Power and that is something that is very, very dangerous for me. I haven't been bingeing, but my food hasn't been where it needs to be and I feel like I'm putting on weight.
My sponsor says that we aren't food addicts, we are pleasure addicts and I agree with that, because when it comes to the things that bring me pleasure, namely Ninja and Mr. Wonderful, I have been most proactive and efficient with my time and resources. I have managed to fill quite a bit of time with romantic/sexual activities and found myself enjoying those a great deal! I spent last weekend at Ninja's place. Wednesday morning, I took the entire morning off with the sole intention of getting my finances in order and ended up doing nothing except calling Mr. Wonderful so he could hear me have an orgasm as I masturbated. That evening after I got off work, he came and got me and we had a date. It was very romantic. We went to dinner at this place with outside seating, we walked around a beautiful park, we talked, we held hands, we kissed. The entire point of the date was simply to be together and have dinner. But as he drove me back to my car I got a text from Anti-Christ, who had Offspring and was supposed to be returning her at 8:30. It stated "715 Movie, Turning off Phone". I looked at Mr. Wonderful and within 7 minutes, we were at a motel, fucking like animals. It was sweaty and crazy and raw and passionate. He began attacking me in the elevator and didn't stop until we left, an hour and a half later.
The next morning, I got up a little early to send an email to PA D. (PA as in short for Pennsylvania). PA D. is a friend I dominate by email. I don't stay in touch as often as I should, although frankly, I don't want him to get spoiled. So I was emailing him and as I wrote the things I was going to do to him in the context of a domination scenario, I was overcome with this wave of sexual emotions. This had never happened before. I woke up feeling perfectly normal and thought "I need to write PA D." and by the time I was half way through, I was ready to start humping anything in site! I managed to get myself under control, wake up Offspring and get her to school and then, with 1/2 an hour until work, I started a chat with Ninja, while also (ever the multi-tasker) touching myself. I finally told him to call me and I lay down and he helped talk me into another orgasm. While not to the same extent, the same thing happened again this morning when I was emailing PA D. (Twice in one week! The boy won't know what to do with himself!) I've got breakfast and lunch with Mr. Wonderful on Monday and then Wednesday, I'm supposed to meet Ninja somewhere between his place and mine for many hours before I go to a parent teacher conference. October is shaping up to be a busy month with my guys as well.
Basically right now, I'm a hormone with feet!
But something else happened this past week. Honestly, (and this may have been my imagination), I felt like B., my sponsor, was withdrawing. She's busy, I'm busy, and she was out of town, but for some reason, I felt this slight shift and I can't explain it. I don't think she was withdrawing, I think I was probably isolating because I wasn't working my program the way I needed to be, but it doesn't matter. It scared the hell out of me. I love my guys and would be heartbroken to lose any of them, but I won't know what to do if I lose my sponsor. That would devastate me so profoundly, I feel like I couldn't recover. I also started thinking about my previous idea about having a different life than the one I had before. A profoundly different life, not just the same life with Anti-Christ removed from it.
So I took some action...
It started with talking to my Higher Power. I didn't want to do it, I felt very apathetic towards Him, but I had no choice. I basically just made a gratitude list, thank you for a healthy child, thank you for a place to live, thank you for a job, thank you for not letting me gain 50 pounds again, on and on. And I got a message, very clearly. (I get those sometime). Basically it was that I had my crazy time and now it was over. That was it. It was over. It was time to take action, it was time to move on. I started by weighing myself as soon as I got to work (they have a scale in this room called the Tranquility Room...a scale is about the least Tranquil thing on the planet but oh well...). 5-9 pounds or so heavier, since I've been on the same weight, give or take 4 pounds, for two years. Okay, at least I knew where I was. I went on line and checked my bank accounts. Nothing overdrawn. Another miracle. Most importantly, the next day I took my boss out to lunch. Now on one level, this was the cowards way out because the bigger boss, (aka the meaner boss) was out of the country and my immediate supervisor is the nicest person EVER! She will ask you a question, sweet as pie and then later apologize for "Coming down too hard". But I took her to lunch and basically just spilled everything. My disorganization, my avoidance of deadlines, the back log of work I had hiding on my desk, and ultimately, my sincere desire to be a better employee. It would have been so easy to just blame it on the divorce. She would have understood and been sympathetic, but that wasn't the truth. I was like this long before I filed.
Yes I would like to not get fired, but ultimately, I want to not be a liar anymore. I want to not waste people's time and resources. I want to do the job they are paying me for. I want to remember the steady stream of crappy jobs I came from and remember that this really is a good job. I want to be someone Offspring can be proud of. I don't want to be the weakest link in my department chain. My immediately supervisor said she appreciated my honesty and she called it "courage" to change things.
So those are my small changes. I still have plans over the next month, at different times with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja, but I also have a desire for balance. There are things that I won't be able to do, that I will desperately want to do because they are things that give me pleasure. But my responsibilities have to come first. At least they do if I want to be a different person. If I want to NOT be my mother. If I want to raise a strong, responsible, confident woman. If I want to be free of my compulsion. If I want to have serenity. If I want to be in tune with my Higher Powers desires for my life. Some of this may all sound just like the post from a couple weeks ago, but now I'm ready to take some action to make these things come true. It's not all going to be perfect and it won't be overnight and if I expect either, I'm setting myself up for failure. There's a phrase that gets used a lot in 12 Step Programs. Just do the next right thing. What is the next right thing. The next right thing. If I keep my focus on that, then I feel like I really can go on.