Sunday, September 6, 2009
Anti-Christ is gone. He pops up occasionally to pick up Offspring or various remnants of his past life, but he's gone. My brother is actually living in his room. It's time to look forward. To...what? That appears to be the big question. I was telling Mr. Wonderful that it would be so easy to continue with the life I had before, just minus AC. Lift him out of there and the life I had before continues, less stressful, less toxic, happier. Less complicated? No, so long as we are connected by Offspring, AC wont' let it be entirely uncomplicated but my "team" (not to be confused with "my guys") of minister, 12 Step Sponsor and therapist will, I'm confident, help me as I navigate that. My lawyer (a temporary member of the team) says I need to bend over backwards and placate my ass off until the judge has signed off. I need to humor and appease and keep the peace. If the last 1/3 of my life has prepared me for nothing else, it has prepared me for keeping the peace with AC. I can do this for another 21 days.
But this does not address the future. My future. Maybe the place to start is the question who am I? Minus the label of "wife", with its subtext of downtrodden and abuse, and strip away the "good mother", because that aspect is not going anywhere, then who am I? Okay, I am a nice person, most of the time. I am a good friend and I try to be caring and considerate. I am a good listener, I think. I can't recall having ever kicked a puppy and I always hold the door for the elderly. These are my pros.
On the other side, I am not the most organized person on the face of the planet. I can be a procrastinator, although I keep putting off admitting that. :) While not a big, extravagant spender, I am not organized with my money. I am an addict and when it comes to my addiction, I have not entirely given up all of my past behavior, which includes lying, cheating and stealing. I am much better than I used to be, but I am not where I want to be. I am also not the employee I want to be and I am not doing what I am passionate about in life.
So what am I prepared to do about this? As someone who occasionally gravitates towards the over dramatic, I want to make a big, sweeping vow to my 16 followers (and those who haven't registered) that starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to change every bad habit I have, I am going to wake up tomorrow and find that it's the first day of the rest of my life. There will be assorted woodland creatures present to help me dress while elves in a nearby tree make cookies and fine crackers. (Okay so much for the diet!) :) Starting tomorrow, all will be different.
Except these are the vows I make to myself each and every day and they never work out. Unrealistic expectations that I want to happen immediately with very little effort on my part. What can possibly go wrong?
So I want to start simple I guess, because I honestly do not want the life I had. I do want things to change. I want a life that is different and maybe the best way to do that is to start with a day that's different. Now I just have to figure out how to do that.
The first step, according to my sponsor, will be to turn over everything to my Higher Power. That is probably the first step, is getting back in touch with him, because I have felt very ambiguous about my spiritual side lately. I have some theories as to why that is, so once I have explored that, I think the next step is asking myself, each day, why do I want a new life? And then find out how, within that day, within the confines of what I have at my disposal, I can achieve that. It doesn't have to be moving a mountain. Sometimes the significant changes in life are small things that add up, right?
One of my all time favorite sayings is:
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher
I don't know if making the changes necessary to have a new life requires courage, but I know that I am willing to say, every day, I'll try again tomorrow. I am willing to make a commitment to myself. And after a lifetime of worrying about everyone else, maybe that's a step in the right direction.