I miss blogging but as the months roll by, there seems to be less and less time. I don't know if this is a return to blogging, but I was instructed to write an update of where I am now, vs. where I was almost exactly a year ago, the last time I posted. So I figured, may as well write it on the blog!!!
Things are progressing, is how I see it. Regardless of what a person wants, life has a tendency to move on. My friend and I recently celebrate 18 months together (we verbally celebrate an anniversary every Thursday...81 weeks 2 days ago). Our respective mental health professionals are amazed that we don't fight. Perhaps in response to that, we have had some serious conversations regarding a difference of opinion. Just one and because we are both so careful, it never turns into shouting or ugliness and I think that is a credit to both of us. Our plans right now are that in July, 2012, he'll be moving in. So we are dealing with trying to prepare for the coming fallout of telling my child and my ex this in January. It's not going to be pretty. But this is life.
The biggest frustration I have, with myself, is that I find it very difficult to make up my mind, sometimes, about things. And then I worry that he feels that is unfair. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner who is going to support me and help me and that is him. At the same time, he mentions that I keep so much to myself, perhaps hidden would be the word I'd use because we don't live together yet and I want to spare him as much of my crazy life as I can until he's here and has no choice but to live in it. He wants to be a total dominant of my life, I think. And I can't decide how that makes me feel. I love being his submissive sexually. And I know he knows me well enough to know that I will always be solicitous of him in our day to day lives. I'm not confrontational, I'm not argumentative and I will always ask his advice/opinion/input and if it's something that does directly involve him, I will discuss it respectfully and my guess is will adhere to his wishes if it's something that I may disagree with. I think he appreciates this, but he does not see this as true submission. And that's what he seems to want. Full time submission. 24-7. I just don't know. I started thinking the other day that it just seems like 1 more thing to do and I already am going on barely 6 hours of sleep a night, two jobs and the kid. Now I have to seek him out and ask permission to have dinner w/ a friend? Really? If something is important to me, I don't see him refusing me any respectful request, but there's a block somewhere. Even though I trust him 100% and love being under his total control sexually, the real life stuff feels harder. And I don't know how that will play out when we're living together.
I also struggle a bit with the BDSM community he has immersed himself (and by extension me) in. I go to events and I feel so disconnected and resentful to even be there, but then I know how horrible I would feel if he stopped going because I didn't like it. However then I will go to an event with him and feel fine and even enjoy myself. I seem so on the fence. I don't know what the problem is and I can't explain it to him because I can't explain it to me either.
I guess the simplest way to put it, is that life has happened. I am still so much in love, so happy, so grateful that I found this man who is everything I ever wanted. But as I've told him, and some others, the love, the sex, that's easy. That's effortless. I can love him as easily as I can breath. It's the parent teacher conferences, it's the ex, it's the family dynamics and the bills and orthodontists and broken down furnaces and sick pets and violin lessons that are challenging. Love is easy. Life is hard. And lucky for me, I found a true partner who always has my back.
And also luckily for your friendly neighborhood masochist, he's usually got some sort of implement when he does have my back! He has amassed quite a collection over the past year and that element of our relationship continues to thrive and flourish. There are other dynamics to our sexual relation ship that are discussed and considered, but right now, it's just him still knowing exactly what my body needs, exactly what my heart needs.
81 weeks and 2 days and I continue to be astounded at my luck in finding him. We aren't perfect, but I still can't find any hard evidence that we aren't perfect for each other.