Friday, July 31, 2009

In Case of Emergency

(This picture was TOO cute to pass up)
So let's say, hypothetically, that I'm in a car accident or get attacked by could happen...and while eventually, I'm fine, at the time of the accident, I end up in the hospital and therefore am unable to clean out my car...what then?
When Mr. Wonderful and I hooked up, neither of us had any accessories or implements. Our first night together he brought lube and two $1 candles. As time has gone on, our arsenal has grown, but as two people, neither of whom can host at their place of residence, storage has become an issue.
If I were to hypothetically die, I could care less who finds what. I'll be dead. However, let me assure you, I won't die. No way. What will happen, is my car will be towed and someone in my life will have to clean out the car and then I will have to talk to the person who did, or at the very least, I'll just have to know that they know what is in my car...and they'll know I know. I just have this picture of my mother doing inventory as she goes through my trunk:
1 pair of handcuffs, lined with red fur and 1 set of keys
1 Hannah Montana Paddle
1 flimsy wood paddle
1 Wooden Yardstick
1 black nylon spatula
1 red rubber riding crop (Say that 10 times fast!)
1 pink Soft Teaze Vibrating Dong
1 Micro Orbit Smooth 2000 (I know! I still think the 2000 makes it sound cooler so I add that part myself)
1 paper bad of white feathers (wait...this looks like a cat toy!)
1 bag of clothespins (unused)
2 bottles lube
1 bottle unscented lotion
1 bottle of Mr. Bubble
1 copy of Fairground Attraction, basically a novel about Disciplined Carnival Workers (Thanks J!)
1 pink and black bustier (there's your visual for the day Ninja...and NO!! I'm not sending any pictures!)
1 pair black fishnet hose
1 Catholic School girl outfit
2 vanilla candles almost empty (VANILLA candles...would anyone get the irony?)
10 feet of white rope
1 pair scissors
1 bottle of Sutra Safe Suds (for cleaning toys that are used internally)
1 lighter
1 List of things to do: Join Spanking Union, Order Proper paddle off Internet,

I try to remember to transfer the two unassuming suitcases that all this is stored in from my trunk to my closet after Mr. Wonderful & I meet, but the other day I forgot. And when I got to work, I remembered my make up bag had been hastily packed in one of them. So I'm standing in the parking lot, of a faith based corporation, with an opened suitcase full of sex toys spilling out as I looked for eye liner! Luckily none of the nuns were happening by my car...:)

If my brother were to clean out my car, he wouldn't care. But it'll be my mom...that's just the kind of luck I have. Then, once I've completely recovered, she'll be giving me this mother is by no means a prude when it comes to sex...quite the opposite. It's not so much about worrying she'll be shocked as it is not wanting her all up in my business. If it happened to be AntiChrist who found it, I don't know what his reaction would be. Not that his opinion matters much, but who knows what he tells people or my kid.

Actually though, the whole thing has led me to a question. Who is going to be my "In Case of Emergency" person now? I'm assuming my mother, but she tends to be the hysterical type. My brother might work. I guess I could put my 12 step sponsor, that would be the best person for me, but I don't want to inconvenience her. Or I could just keep everything the same with AntiChrist as the one. In almost 40 years, no one has ever actually called my emergency contact, so I guess it wouldn't matter. But in 13 years, it's always been him and now, not so much.

And things like that catch me off guard. I'm so happy to be leaving this relationship. My therapist, my sponsor, my minister, every trained professional in my life, knows it was time to go 5 years ago. I had to follow the process and do it at my own pace, but I am doing it. But every once in awhile, something like this...not missing him by any means...but missing the idea that I KNOW who is my emergency contact. I was informed the other day I should probably join AAA, indicating that if my car broke down, he wouldn't be the one I would call and he always has been. Not because I knew he could handle a crisis (please believe me he can't), but because who else would you call? You need a quart of milk, you call your partner. You call the person you live with. We've been estranged for years, but if the computer doesn't work, then I tell him.
Again, these things don't strike me as sad, as much as they do surreal. I've spent 1/3 of my life (to the day) with this person. That's a lot of time. And if there is someone out there who does NOT treat me like shit, all day, every day, they are already miles ahead of AntiChrist in terms of being a partner, but it's just so weird to realize he isn't going to be here. He isn't going to be a physical part of my life anymore. He isn't going to be sitting next to me at dinner judging me and making snide remarks and criticisms. So YAY!!! YAY but weird...
Maybe I'll take comedian Steven Wright's excellent advice. He writes on forms "In case of emergency call...a doctor...I mean, what's my MOM gonna do?"


  1. If all that stuff is in your TRUNK, I'd hate to see what is in your HOUSE! *wink*. Plus, it would have been quite a sight to have the wrong bag at work! OMG!

    As for the AntiChrist, I'm sure you'll be glad when he is gone. Just relax and take it easy!

  2. You have a Hannah Montana Paddle and didn't bring it! Well, that's just naughty.

    ~Todd and Suzy

  3. Sorry! I forgot, not that that is any kind of an excuse! :) Put it on my tab for next time!

  4. Yeah, Todd and Suzy are gonna use THAT paddle on your bare little tushey! Don't forget!