Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Little Suicide

Okay, so I realized in the last post that I had mentioned that I have plenty of orgasms, with Mr. Wonderful and without and I've realized that I may have mistated that. I have plenty of orgasms WITH Mr. Wonderful. These days, that is it. Now this is highly unusual because I am a Master-Bater HAHA. But truly, something I always credit my mother with was this advice, "The best way to find out what you like is to do it to yourself." and so I did, from my early adolescence on.

I hit my peak 8 1/2 years ago while pregnant. The Antichrist (at that time he was referred to as my husband) worked out of town and was only home Friday night through Sunday afternoon each week. So I was along alot and during this time I must have masturbated 3-5 times a day. It was insane! Once I gave birth, my urges returned to normal and I would say I average 3 times per week, maybe more or less depending on all the things that prevent/encourage people to have sex with another person.

Now a couple of points:

A) I have never used or owned a vibrator or dildo. My orgasms have always come from my hands alone

B) For four years prior to Mr. Wonderful, nothing entered my vagina. Okay my fingers on a very rare occasion, but that's not how I make myself cum, so it wasn't necessary. And, as I mentioned, I did not own a vibrator, no I am talking absolutely nothing entered there.

Funny side note, the first time we tried to have sex, Mr. Wonderful began trying to enter me and it was so painful, he immediately stopped. It was excruiciating. I think it the combination of his size :) and the 4 year penis embargo that caused it. Now I had three orgasms that first time, but actual intercourse was ten kinds of hell.

Well I am nothing if not a problem solver. We weren't able to find time or circumstance to have intercourse again for probably 3-4 weeks after the first attempt, so I bought some lube, some condoms and began buying, at regular intervals, zucchini. We called it my "science experiment" And I set out to make my body more inviting to outside visitors. All the while Mr. Wonderful encouraging me but also making sure I knew that whatever happened, it was fine. And it worked. In like Flynn...(he demanded to know who Flynn was...but that's another story for another day)

Maybe now it's the combination of stress fatigue. Or maybe it's just having sex with someone who knows my body and what to do to it, how to touch it and use it and abuse it :). Maybe, for now, he's ruined me for myself and I need him there to get to that place where my stomach flips and my body begins to shake and I experience "the little death" as the French call it. Maybe it's a positive thing that I need him there to seal the deal, to pull my hair. to peel the layers of skin off my face with his 5 o'clock shadow, which never seems to go away. Maybe I'm to the point, for this moment, where I need a kiss and some sweet talk and a smile when it's over. Maybe I'm changing. And maybe that's okay.


  1. As Sheryl Crow put it - "If it makes you happy / It can't be that bad.........." As long as you are satisfied, that's what counts. I masturbate, sometimes several times a day, and if I think of the right person at the right time, the feeling is powerful and well worth it.


  2. You guys masturbate?

    That is awful.

    That is just wrong!!!

    Now that I have that covered in case my mother is reading what I write from up in heaven ... (damn, come to think of it, if she can do that she can see what I do, can't she? OMG! Please tell me that isn't true!!!!!)

    The zucchini idea is pretty much what I told my wife to try (only with anything that would allow a progression in size) as she has had similar problems where any penetration hurts.

    She thinks it's organic and I am 100% convinced the problem is above the neck instead of below the waist because it has happened in the past and vanished when she became totally relaxed or so "fired up" that she completely forgot about it.

    (I can identify somewhat. When I see a doctor put on a vinyl glove a certain area of my body tightens up so much it could snap a twig in half.)

    She thinks it's going to hurt like hell and so the fortress locks down to prevent that from happening and, of course, makes it so even a finger will cause some pain.

    It's a tough cycle to break but at least it's fun trying. :)