The Little Suicide

Okay, so I realized in the last post that I had mentioned that I have plenty of orgasms, with Mr. Wonderful and without and I've realized that I may have mistated that. I have plenty of orgasms WITH Mr. Wonderful. These days, that is it. Now this is highly unusual because I am a Master-Bater HAHA. But truly, something I always credit my mother with was this advice, "The best way to find out what you like is to do it to yourself." and so I did, from my early adolescence on.

I hit my peak 8 1/2 years ago while pregnant. The Antichrist (at that time he was referred to as my husband) worked out of town and was only home Friday night through Sunday afternoon each week. So I was along alot and during this time I must have masturbated 3-5 times a day. It was insane! Once I gave birth, my urges returned to normal and I would say I average 3 times per week, maybe more or less depending on all the things that prevent/encourage people to have sex with another person.

Now a couple of points:

A) I have never used or owned a vibrator or dildo. My orgasms have always come from my hands alone

B) For four years prior to Mr. Wonderful, nothing entered my vagina. Okay my fingers on a very rare occasion, but that's not how I make myself cum, so it wasn't necessary. And, as I mentioned, I did not own a vibrator, no I am talking absolutely nothing entered there.

Funny side note, the first time we tried to have sex, Mr. Wonderful began trying to enter me and it was so painful, he immediately stopped. It was excruiciating. I think it the combination of his size :) and the 4 year penis embargo that caused it. Now I had three orgasms that first time, but actual intercourse was ten kinds of hell.

Well I am nothing if not a problem solver. We weren't able to find time or circumstance to have intercourse again for probably 3-4 weeks after the first attempt, so I bought some lube, some condoms and began buying, at regular intervals, zucchini. We called it my "science experiment" And I set out to make my body more inviting to outside visitors. All the while Mr. Wonderful encouraging me but also making sure I knew that whatever happened, it was fine. And it worked. In like Flynn...(he demanded to know who Flynn was...but that's another story for another day)

Maybe now it's the combination of stress fatigue. Or maybe it's just having sex with someone who knows my body and what to do to it, how to touch it and use it and abuse it :). Maybe, for now, he's ruined me for myself and I need him there to get to that place where my stomach flips and my body begins to shake and I experience "the little death" as the French call it. Maybe it's a positive thing that I need him there to seal the deal, to pull my hair. to peel the layers of skin off my face with his 5 o'clock shadow, which never seems to go away. Maybe I'm to the point, for this moment, where I need a kiss and some sweet talk and a smile when it's over. Maybe I'm changing. And maybe that's okay.

Consequences of faking

Okay so I can't stay on long because I've been instructed to get some sleep, but I don't have to get up at 4:15 am for job #1 tomorrow, so I'm not worried about being up a little late. I admitted to Mr. Wonderful today that in 15 weeks (today! Happy Anniversary!) I had faked 1 orgasm. My sexual alter ego admitted it to his alter while chatting on line and while she (I) had a very good reason, his alter (he) was not very happy about it. I've been reprimanded and threatened :) and also told to write a critique of the last time we were together and the discipline he administered. Yes, it happened. YAY!!!! It actually went pretty well. He smacked my ass with his hand during sex, which he usually does and then he just used the small, wooden paddle ball paddle. I was laying flat on my stomach on the bed. It packed a little sting, which was a pretty good rush and he talked a little rough which was great. When it was all said and done he seemed to worry that he had hurt me and asked me several times today if I was sore. Not even close to sore. I'm not sure I even got sore. So I guess that's my critique. Harder, more often and more of the talking. He calls me names which is absolutely fine. I've never had a problem with being called a bitch or a whore during sex. But when he's talking in a really stern voice tone, and he sounds upset and he's threatening me with more punishment, WOW!!!! He asked me pretty nicely (yawn! HAHA) to not masturbate before we were together yesterday. And I didn't. I just pretended he had ordered me not to. But today, I asked him if I could again he said no because I was in trouble. Then he relented and allowed me to do it once and then I have to ask his permission before I can do it again. Once more with feeling...YAY!!!! I saved the chat to my email just to read the words about how disappointed he was and how maybe I needed to be paddled harder next time. (Woo Hoo!!!)

He's actually pleased that I care enough to fake it so he won't be late back to work (my excuse), but again, I just feel really lucky that he's willing to do all these things with me. I think he's getting good at them too! It may not be a way of life for us, but Mr. Wonderful won't be a way of life for me, not permanently, so I just look at the present, hold onto what I can, keep focusing on how happy I am, and enjoy everything as it cums. :)