I was looking over some posts today and it caught my eye that I mentioned that while Todd was spanking me but also holding me in a certain manner, that I felt very safe. And then I started thinking how many times I had written the word safe on this blog and how safety and security are things I feel like I'm constantly seeking. And one thing I love to do is look up the "official" definition of words when they are floating in my mind. Safe: Free from hurt, injury danger or risk. Safe: dependable or trustworthy. I guess most of this springs from Mr. Wonderful's extreme paranoia that I am not being safe. I scare him is his newest catch phrase. He thinks I'm taking too many risks when I agree to meet someone in person after I've met them on the internet.
When I try to defend my position, I think I probably appear like a petulant teenager who thinks nothing bad will ever happen and the grown ups are all overreacting and trying to ruin my fun and nothing could be further from the truth. I am a very responsible and cautious person. I am a parent and nothing is more important to me than that. When I meet someone in person that I have met on the internet, (and by the way, that's maybe 5 total people INCLUDING Mr. Wonderful), I have taken a lot of precautions including making sure that B. knows exactly where I am, phone numbers, locations, etc. Now, is all this a 100% guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen? Of course not. But no one can guarantee me that if I'm sitting in my house, it won't one day catch on fire and kill me. I point out that the BTK killer was an elder in his church and Scott & Lacy Peterson did not meet on the internet. Date rape and murder have been around A LOT longer than the internet and I could meet someone on the internet and end up married for the rest of my life or meet someone in a library or a church and end up in a dumpster. There are no guarantees in life and there is only so much we can do.
That being said, I sometimes wonder more about emotional safety, because the ironic thing is that the people I've met on the internet and then physically met have all been wonderful people. They have all been warm and kind and my life is enriched through knowing them. The people who gave birth to me, the person who vowed to honor and cherish me, various "friends", these are the people who hurt me. These are the people who damaged me. These are the people who criticize and insult and verbally and mentally abuse me. The safe people have done the most damage. So I find it ironic that no one has ever said to me "Be careful and take every precaution..." when dealing with family or spouses...loved ones. I wasn't safe growing up, I was lulled into believing I was safe when I fell in love and got married...I wasn't.
Maybe it's not safety I'm looking for. Maybe free from hurt, injury, danger and risk doesn't exist. Reliable and dependable may not exist either. So if they don't, then what am I looking for?
We went to a writing seminar over the weekend and were told to write down our favorite song, our favorite literary characters, etc. and I noticed every choice I made was sad. I'm drawn to the sad. Parts of me are always a little sad. I always credit Mr. Wonderful with healing me and on so many levels he did...he made me realize that I deserved to be treated decently and that there were people out there who would, that I had something to offer, that I was not a laundry list of faults and defects I had been labeled with for 30 years. That doesn't make our realtionship any less sad. Our situation is sad. It will end sadly. He makes me very happy and very sad and that is what I had to accept and knew all along but knowing only alleviates his guilt when it's over, because I've been promised nothing. He has said all along, there's a price to pay and I'm the one paying it. Yet it's the people on the internet I'm warned against...
At this same workshop, it asked what is the one thing you want. I wrote peace. Peace: A state of tranquility or serenity. That sounds closer to the truth. I try hard not to be overdramatic, but I feel truly that there will never be a time that there won't be a small part of me that is sad. Too much has happened over the last 40 years and there are just things that are what they are. But a state of tranquility and serenity. That feels like it might be attainable. That feels like something to work towards. Get rid of the negative energy. Get rid of the voices. I can't get rid of the memories but I can work towards sucking them dry of all the power they hold over me. I can make the effort to surround myself with people and experiences and situations that allow me to work towards becoming more tranquil and serene and happier. What could be safer than that?