Monday, May 11, 2009
Because I said so...
Okay, so Mr. Wonderful is in Canada until Thursday and he was out of the state this past weekend. I am basically 1 BIG hormone walking around, wondering when my washing machine is going to hit the spin cycle! :) Had a pap smear and breast exam with a new doc and let me tell you...it was the most action I've gotten in a week! But I digress...Mr. Wonderful has an alter ego...it's basically his name he used on line when we met (a wonderful new friend asked if the craigslist story was true and yes, it is). I have 2 alters. 1 is devoted strictly to sex, ready to fuck him whenever and do whatever he wants and the other is a naughty girl (a "tart" he calls her) who doesn't want to have sex, but only wants to be punished for her various misdeeds. His alter ego seems to be enjoying both of mine, although honestly, he hasn't had a chance to get with the tart in person. She keeps emailing him all the things she is doing wrong, practically begging for a spanking, but so far no one's schedule has permitted him to take her in hand and teach her the lesson she desperately needs. :( Sigh...hopefully soon though.
And then there is me. I think he likes the distinction of these three personalities (and it is just fantasy, we don't have a Sybill thing going!), but honestly they aren't that far removed from 1 another. I want to fuck him raw and I want him to dominate and discipline me. His alter is way cool and so far has been game for whatever. The real him is very sweet and very caring and absolutely wonderful. And the thing is, he's kind of on me about things I can do to improve myself, but it is so far removed from my marriage, which was all about "You need to change these things, because basically you are a piece of shit" whereas this is about "You are absolutely wonderful and these things can enhance your life..." and I love that about him.
Honestly, I love it when he takes control as the real him. It's much gentler and kinder than his alter (and please don't think ANYONE is complaining about the rough alter!) and sometimes he worries he's "too bossy" and maybe I haven't explained clearly enough to him that I like it when he's bossy, because it is backed up by such honest caring for my well being.
I emailed him that while I love his alter taking complete control, I also really like being solicitous of Mr. Wonderful. It makes me feel safe and I think I'm starting to realize why. My ex couldn't handle crisis or emergencies. He fell apart. And while I wasn't expecting him to handle everything, I was looking for a partner. Someone who could handle something, sometimes. Someone I could lean on occasionally and who could lean on me. I never thought marriage would be hearts and flowers and romance...I thought it would be a partnership of people helping each other deal with life and creating a buffer against the world. And all I got was someone who didn't like me very much and spent 13 years making sure I knew I wasn't good enough and on top of that, he couldn't take the stress of an incorrectly ordered pizza, much less a sick child or a true trauma!!!
Mr. Wonderful and I are not really partners in the traditional sense of the word and I accept that. My issues and challenges in life are still going to be my own and more so when I become a truly single mother. I made my choices and I accept that. But he does seem to appreciate who I am and he does want me to reach for more and grow and that is wonderful.
I think part of it is leaning, however I can, on someone because I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from trying to do it all alone. And here is someone who wants to take care of me and while there are limitations on how and when and what we can do, there is no limitation on his caring.
Believe it or not, all this soul searching and personal reflection came from 4 words. He's in Canada, I'm driving home, speaking to him for only the 2nd time in probably 4 days, loving the sounds of his voice, bringing up the topic of phone sex. He wanted to know if I could do that later in the evening after I was home.
I told him I could, but because my daughter would be home, I could have phone sex sitting in my car in the garage of my house while she watched TV.
"No sweetie, you're not having phone sex sitting in your car in the garage..."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I said so..."
Wow! Those 4 words. He wasn't mean about it, he didn't sound annoyed, just firm. Very firm and the matter had been decided. I almost had an orgasm on Highway 270, going 70 miles an hour!
I quickly said okay and the topic changed. (I did get him to agree to let me talk dirty to him as I drove and he jacked off in his Canadian hotel room, so hey, not all was lost!) :)
Shortly after we met, he asked me to meet him at a bookstore. When I got there, he announced we would not be touching each other. Just looking at books and discussing books. He asked if that was okay. I asked if I had a choice. He said no and that was that. God, it was so hot!
All our "alters" like the fantasy and the role playing and the teasing and I think will like the . But I love Mr. Wonderful for taking care of me in small ways, every day and for showing me that he is in charge and that is a good thing. If we were able to truly be together as a couple, I sometimes wonder if we would venture into the realm of DD. Not sure...but that realm is something I've been thinking about recently...