Monday, May 10, 2010
I started thinking about this the other day while observing this extremely wicked, gruesome bruise on my inner thigh. My Friend used his belt and the results were not pretty. I try really hard not to compare one man to another, but I couldn't help but remember Mr. Wonderful and his belt. The results were fairly similar, horrifically terrible looking bruises but whereas Mr. Wonderful was absolutely beside himself with horror and shame at his actions, unable to conceive that he had caused these welts and marks on my body, My Friend, after checking that I was okay, merely shrugged and commented that more practice was required so that he would have greater control over the belt. More practice? Um...yay???
My 12 Step sponsor says people will tell you who they are. I think what she really means is people will SHOW you who they are. Stay around someone long enough and they'll definitely let you know things, but how often are we able to pick up on them? How willing are we to pick up on them?
I'm still seeing C. He's very funny and I have a great time with him. He's also extremely reluctant to pay compliments. He just doesn't do it. He will tell me I'm very smart and very quick witted and he seems to enjoy that. But I'm a girl. I want to hear I'm pretty! I did get him to say I was pretty once, but I basically made him do it, we were on the phone and he was drunk, so I'm not really counting that.
He's not a big guy on PDAs either. Holding hands, whatever is all pretty much up to me. He kids me about being "all over him" if I want to hold his hand while we're walking. It's funny because he said one of his chief complaints with his ex-wife was her saying "Stop pawing me!" when he would just try and be affectionate. I'm having a hard time picturing that, considering the way he acts around me.
There are other issues...well not really issues, because they don't feel that serious and I think they don't feel that serious because as much as I care about him, as much as I love talking to him, which I do on a daily basis, as much as I want him around...it feels so different from My Friend. It feels like C. and I are these great buddies and right now we're just on this side road of a pseudo-romantic relationship (Romantic being a relative term). There are things that I know would definitely be issues if we were together permanently and exclusively. But I just don't see it that way. But I'm not willing to let go of the romantic part. It is kind of fun. It's also U-Haul Insurance.
My Friend and I keep being reminded, by the droves of mutual friends we have, to take things slow. We keep reminding each other to take things slow. We seem to have defined taking it slow as "No U-Hauls, No Vegas". That's taking it slow. I still struggle with what monogamy means, but I think that may be a way of avoiding the real issue. And the real issue is this: When you love someone, you give them an enormous amount of power. Now I've given My Friend power already. The power to dominate me, the power to control my body, the power to tell me what to do, the power to hurt me, the power to make decisions for me in some senses. But loving someone, saying "I am with you", saying "You are the one for me" involves giving them power to truly hurt you on a much deeper level. The Anti Christ had that power. Mr. Wonderful had that power. In both cases, their power hurt me. When someone really knows you, is truly intimate, they get that power and then it is up to them how they use it. Would My Friend ever use the power to hurt me? It feels like no, but there are no guarantees. In love, in life, there are no guarantees. You need faith, you need courage, and you need amnesia.
I figured out why people keep falling in love. I figured out why people keep getting married. I figured out why people open themselves up to incredible amounts of hurt and pain and make themselves truly vulnerable when 1 in 2 of these things called relationships implode and result in horrific fiery deaths of dreams and expectations and hearts and trust. It's why people try again when someone they love dies. These feelings right here right now. They make you forget a lot of the shit from the past.
People won't understand. Too soon. Slow down. It's too fast. People get enmeshed and people get co-dependent and people get hurt. It happens every day. And a part of me is terrified and a part of me wants to fight and run away from all the potential for pain. But I don't.
I just submit. Every day it gets a little easier. When you hear a voice saying, completely unprompted, "My God you are beautiful.", When someone can barely let you in the door before their hands are all over you, when someone will tell you deep, meaningful things about themselves, thereby giving you your own power to potentially hurt them, then the submission gets a little easier.
I'm still working through and processing all this. I really feel like I have to take into consideration my boundaries, my self care, my past and my future. And at the same time, I have to trust him with the rest of me as much as I trust him with my body.
In the end, giving someone my love is not like hitting someone with a belt. I can practice all I want, but I still don't seem to ever truly gain control.