Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Forgetting to remember
If you fall in love with someone and marry them and build a life and and go through all of life's experiences, from buying a home to having a child to unemployment to burying parents, and you realize they don't love you, it's amazing the things you can forget while on that journey.
That you are a person of substance
That you are a good, kind person
That you are smart
That you are sexual
That you have so much to contribute to the world
And if you move on and fall in love again with someone who truly loves you and worships you and makes you feel special every day and then they choose someone else over you and leave, its amazing the things you forget again, 15 weeks later. 15 weeks with no one in your life.
You forget what another person's body feels like
You forget what its like to kiss someone
You forget how to eat lunch with someone
You forget what its like to receive compliments
You forget what its like to have someone hold you
You forget the words. The beautiful words.
You forget your sexual drive
And even if you're happy being on your own, happy to try and figure out how to be alone, relieved to not be waiting for the next fight or waiting for the other shoe to drop and end your relationship, proud to be independent and truly functioning as an adult, working effectively, paying bills on time, raising a child to the best of your ability, it's also easy to forget that it can get lonely. And maybe you don't want to get married again. Maybe the independence and the being alone is the best thing, but it can still get lonely, occasionally. I never thought it would. I enjoy being alone too much to get lonely. But here I am, happily alone and occasionally lonely. That's okay, it'll be what it'll be. I'm just trying not to get caught up in any self pity, because sometimes when you're thinking about all the things that came before, new stuff pops up in the present.
Someone emails you and you find yourself trying to playfully pursue them and you remember that you have a good personality and are an expert flirter!
Someone finds you on Facebook and you email back and forth and are paid several compliments, which reminds you that you are beautiful and vibrant and witty.
Someone tells you they will pay you a visit and you remember what its like to have that physical desire and to want to be with someone and remember that you really enjoy sex and are really pretty good at it.
I don't want to come off as conceited, but what's wrong with remembering my good points? I've learned to do for myself and if that includes saying nice things to myself, so be it. I need to remember that I am a good person and I deserve happiness, in whatever form that takes. Happiness may be me, living alone, forever. Doesn't sound bad, so long as visitors are around for fellowship (naked and otherwise). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling bad. I'm feeling hopeful and hope to remember that feeling in the future.