Thursday, April 1, 2010

Now What?

#1: He lives a very long way away. We met on the internet, through Facebook, as all good couples do in the 21st Century. He is married, says its a very happy, fulfilling marriage, but somehow he still wanted email fantasies and phone sex. Nice guy, but this completely screwed up my already messed up perception of monogamy, commitment, etc.

#2: He lives in my state, maybe an hour away. He is married but free to pursue interests outside his marriage, according to him. He is a spanker and found me through my blog. We emailed and chatted and made plans to meet next week to discuss his spanking me. I already told him I would not have sex with him.

#3: An opportunity recently for sex. A very safe situation with very clearly drawn boundaries. An opportunity for physical release more than anything else. The entire experience was physically satisfying and nothing that was done ever crossed a line into unacceptable. But when it was over and I was alone, I got depressed and very upset.

I want to say I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I do. I'm being honest about who I am, and who I am is someone who wants a relationship. This came as quite a shock. Sex and spanking without strings and commitments were going to be the cornerstones of my new single life. And even if I still decided I wanted a relationship, then in the meantime, I would certainly not have any problems having sex with someone I trusted or finding someone to spank me. No worries. Just go with the flow until someone comes along.

This is who I want to be. It's not who I am. I thought I was, but I'm not. I want a relationship. Anything else that comes along is not going to work. Part of the problem is this:
I take up with ABC "just until I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with" and its all well and good, until I convince myself that what I had with ABC is what I really wanted all along and I end up with a relationship that has absolutely nothing I want. Or, more likely, I'll look at the relationship with ABC and think to myself, "Oh I can turn this into exactly what I want...if I just work a little harder..."
Story of my marriage. Story of my life.

A few weeks ago, my friend I would like to date and I were driving to listen to music. It was my 40th birthday. I was asking him if Tiger Woods' wife and Sandra Bullock were really dealt the ultimate betrayal or were they really just women who got sucked into the lie that is monogamy?
He was discussing how he certainly wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship, but he had certain physical needs and then he went on to discuss some pros and cons of a "friends with benefits" situation (not addressing this TO me, more just speaking in generalizations, but it was all I could do to NOT offer myself as a "friend with benefits". I really care for him, I love him, I'm physically attracted to him and then, we went and listened to music and I had a drink (I NEVER drink so it went straight to my head) and he drove me home and it was even harder to not invite him into my empty house, on my 40th birthday. I didn't and I didn't because I don't want to be his friend with benefits. I want to be in a relationship with him. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but I don't want to start out settling for less than I want.

Also, in this situation more than any other, I really will start out with the best of intentions and very clear boundaries which will instantly get muddy. "I already make him laugh, we already share a lot of common interests, so if I can just fuck him well enough and look for the right things to do, I can turn this into a relationship. I can make this work..."

Now I'm not delusional and I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect and I'm not thinking that the first person I meet with be "the one" and all will be roses and whatever. I'm not that far gone. But I'm done going into a relationship that, from day 1, has no future. If they aren't available, I'm not available.

And having sex with someone "temporarily" is not something I want to do. That's hard because I am a sexual person. I want someone to spank my ass, fuck my brains out, let me fuck their brains out and then tell me they love me and kiss me before we go to sleep.

The websites I've found since I started looking for spanking websites, they have skewed my thinking from what it used to be, because so many of them (at least the ones I've looked at), involve people who are doing things that would freak out much of the general population it seems, but at the core are these loving, committed relationships. These people have found them, they have what I want.

And in the meantime, I'm okay alone. Truly. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hold hands with and have sex with and get a spanking from, but I've always been okay alone and I'm still trying to decide what monogamy means, what commitment means, what relationships mean. I'm still trying to figure out some things about myself, so I guess its best to return to my celibacy and figure some things out.

And honestly, I'm just making this up as I go along. There are no hard and fast rules. Am I going to get into a situation that only involves spanking? Right now, no, but if my good friends Todd & Suzy are in town and wanted to visit and spank me, no worries. Would I say no to spanking at a spanking party, probably not. I can't predict the future, I can only do what feels right and all of this is scary and hard and really sucks, but it is all growth for me and really, I think that should always be the ultimate goal.

I don't know where this puts my future and this blog. I just realized that this blog is 1 year old. The first post is dated May 9 but it says I set it up in April, which is probably true. I know I haven't kept up with it since Mr. Wonderful & I parted ways, but I hope all my friends out there keep me in their thoughts as I keep all of you in mine and stay in touch. I may keep posting, just not sure how often. It feels like I've had this blog for years and years and it feels like I just started it yesterday. It has been really helpful in so many ways. I feel more confident in my ability to express what I want. Maybe all this personal growth needed time (and 2-3 dozen good spankings) to really make its mark.

But I can assure all my friends, that by no means, are my spanking days over. They have only just begun.