In Case of Emergency

(This picture was TOO cute to pass up)

So let's say, hypothetically, that I'm in a car accident or get attacked by Zombies...it could happen...and while eventually, I'm fine, at the time of the accident, I end up in the hospital and therefore am unable to clean out my car...what then?

When Mr. Wonderful and I hooked up, neither of us had any accessories or implements. Our first night together he brought lube and two $1 candles. As time has gone on, our arsenal has grown, but as two people, neither of whom can host at their place of residence, storage has become an issue.

If I were to hypothetically die, I could care less who finds what. I'll be dead. However, let me assure you, I won't die. No way. What will happen, is my car will be towed and someone in my life will have to clean out the car and then I will have to talk to the person who did, or at the very least, I'll just have to know that they know what is in my car...and they'll know I know. I just have this picture of my mother doing inventory as she goes through my trunk:

1 pair of handcuffs, lined with red fur and 1 set of keys

1 Hannah Montana Paddle

1 flimsy wood paddle

1 Wooden Yardstick

1 black nylon spatula

1 red rubber riding crop (Say that 10 times fast!)

1 pink Soft Teaze Vibrating Dong

1 Micro Orbit Smooth 2000 (I know! I still think the 2000 makes it sound cooler so I add that part myself)

1 paper bad of white feathers (wait...this looks like a cat toy!)

1 bag of clothespins (unused)

2 bottles lube

1 bottle unscented lotion

1 bottle of Mr. Bubble

1 copy of Fairground Attraction, basically a novel about Disciplined Carnival Workers (Thanks J!)

1 pink and black bustier (there's your visual for the day Ninja...and NO!! I'm not sending any pictures!)

1 pair black fishnet hose

1 Catholic School girl outfit

2 vanilla candles almost empty (VANILLA candles...would anyone get the irony?)

10 feet of white rope

1 pair scissors

1 bottle of Sutra Safe Suds (for cleaning toys that are used internally)

1 lighter

1 List of things to do: Join Spanking Union, Order Proper paddle off Internet,

I try to remember to transfer the two unassuming suitcases that all this is stored in from my trunk to my closet after Mr. Wonderful & I meet, but the other day I forgot. And when I got to work, I remembered my make up bag had been hastily packed in one of them. So I'm standing in the parking lot, of a faith based corporation, with an opened suitcase full of sex toys spilling out as I looked for eye liner! Luckily none of the nuns were happening by my car...:)

If my brother were to clean out my car, he wouldn't care. But it'll be my mom...that's just the kind of luck I have. Then, once I've completely recovered, she'll be giving me this look...my mother is by no means a prude when it comes to sex...quite the opposite. It's not so much about worrying she'll be shocked as it is not wanting her all up in my business. If it happened to be AntiChrist who found it, I don't know what his reaction would be. Not that his opinion matters much, but who knows what he tells people or my kid.

Actually though, the whole thing has led me to a question. Who is going to be my "In Case of Emergency" person now? I'm assuming my mother, but she tends to be the hysterical type. My brother might work. I guess I could put my 12 step sponsor, that would be the best person for me, but I don't want to inconvenience her. Or I could just keep everything the same with AntiChrist as the one. In almost 40 years, no one has ever actually called my emergency contact, so I guess it wouldn't matter. But in 13 years, it's always been him and now, not so much.

And things like that catch me off guard. I'm so happy to be leaving this relationship. My therapist, my sponsor, my minister, every trained professional in my life, knows it was time to go 5 years ago. I had to follow the process and do it at my own pace, but I am doing it. But every once in awhile, something like this...not missing him by any means...but missing the idea that I KNOW who is my emergency contact. I was informed the other day I should probably join AAA, indicating that if my car broke down, he wouldn't be the one I would call and he always has been. Not because I knew he could handle a crisis (please believe me he can't), but because who else would you call? You need a quart of milk, you call your partner. You call the person you live with. We've been estranged for years, but if the computer doesn't work, then I tell him.
Again, these things don't strike me as sad, as much as they do surreal. I've spent 1/3 of my life (to the day) with this person. That's a lot of time. And if there is someone out there who does NOT treat me like shit, all day, every day, they are already miles ahead of AntiChrist in terms of being a partner, but it's just so weird to realize he isn't going to be here. He isn't going to be a physical part of my life anymore. He isn't going to be sitting next to me at dinner judging me and making snide remarks and criticisms. So YAY!!! YAY but weird...
Maybe I'll take comedian Steven Wright's excellent advice. He writes on forms "In case of emergency call...a doctor...I mean, what's my MOM gonna do?"

Game Time aka Meeting Todd & Suzy Part II

When last we left Shygirl, she had just gotten off the bus, ready to experience adventure on this...her first trip to the “big city”...

Okay, not really. What I was doing was playing Spankopoly with Todd and Suzy who were visiting my town.
It’s a really fun game. Dice were rolled, pieces moved, money and property exchanged hands and the thing they pointed out is that many people, when playing for the first time, don’t realize that it can take a while to get a spanking. But eventually, they did begin. Todd was in a chair, sitting across from Suzy & me on the couch. And while I know Suzy got the first spanking, I can’t recall if I got the 2nd or if she had 2 before my first. But there I was, walking around the game table, and laying across Todd’s lap. And he began. OH MY GOD, I thought the man was going to kill me…just kidding! :) Actually, it was a very nice sensation. I know he was spanking me lighter than he was Suzy, that much was very obvious, but we had all just met and I appreciated his consideration. The thing that stood out the most was how relaxed we all were. We were laughing, and we were talking while we played. When it was time for a spanking, Suzy or I would sort of play-complain, she would try to talk him out of it and I would just sigh, feigning frustration and go “Oh man!” but neither of us were truly upset, obviously. Todd pointed out that Suzy can never remember that he's right handed, so she keep going to his left side, so by the end of the evening, I was calling out, "He's right handed!"
The funniest thing was that I couldn’t quite figure out how to answer his questions. “How does that feel on your bottom…” “Good?” It stung a little but good seemed like the answer because I really was enjoying it. As the game progressed, the spankings did get harder, but certainly manageable. My piece on the board seemed drawn to the birthday square where Tops got money and bottoms got 20 spanks. I think I landed there 3 times! And I also ended up in jail aka “the woodshed” twice and always picked the 25 spanks and 25 dollar option to get out sooner.
Todd set a time limit on the game because like it's counterpart, Spankopoly can go on forever and then he asked me if I wanted to keep playing, talk some more or engage in more spanking. Well it seemed rude to turn down a spanking. I mean, I was their guest after all and I am nothing if not polite!
They asked me some more questions, and then we retired to the other part of the room where the bed was. While the whole thing was very enjoyable, it really seemed like we were all experimenting on my body. Seeing what I liked, seeing what I could handle, seeing what I could take and how I reacted to different implements. I got a "Build up" spanking that Suzy said Todd was famous for where it starts out as if he's barely brushing my bottom and then builds to quite a bit of heat and pain. He had some implements laid out, although I couldn't see them from my position. :) The thing that made me smile, was that while he was spanking my bottom, Suzy was standing at my top, showing me other implements, telling me where they were procured, trying to sell me on joining the Spanking Union...it was like from the waist down was his and from the waist up was hers. I was teasing her in my best frustrated voice to stop bringing over more implements because when she did he used them!
I think my favorite implement was something they called the Boudoir Strap but if that's wrong, maybe Todd & Suzy will mention it if they decide to write about our encounter. (Which the prospect of possibly being a topic or a mention in one of their posts is pretty cool!)
But Todd pronounced me a "leather girl" which surprised me, (for some reason I always thought I would be a wood girl, but I'm not complaining...God knows the man is certainly better equipped to make that assessment and I was honored by the title), and Suzy said that my bottom was a nice shade of pink when he was done. Near the end I was very relaxed, even more than I had been while we were playing the game. Being over his lap, with 1 hand holding me in place and 1 spanking me, I felt calm and safe and it was a very wonderful feeling.
Then he rubbed, applied something to my pink and somewhat sore bottom (been racking my brain and can't think of the name of it but I'm sure someone else can let me know!) and as much as I would have liked to stay, I had to get up at 415am for job #1 so sadly, our time was brief, yet wonderful.
So after redressing myself, two big hugs and promises to visit them if I head South or get in touch with me next time they were visiting, I was on my way, a little sorer than when I arrived, but very happy, having felt like I had just experienced a big adventure. A wonderful, exciting adventure with two super awesome friends.

The Day The Rock Stars Came To Town aka Meeting Todd & Suzy Part I

Now just to preface, I tend to get enthusiastic and excited about things. Some people say "hyper" I say "appreciative of the positive".
I would say I'm fairly laid back, not much gets to me (at least that's how I view myself), but good things to get me excited. Getting a magazine in the mail, hearing a really great song on the radio, unexpected money (okay that probably excites everyone) and last week, the really BIG NEWS. "Todd & Suzy are coming to town!" The reaction of most of the people who know what I'm into was "Who?"
"Uh...Todd & Suzy...only the coolest people EVER!!!"
Okay, so technically, I had never actually met Todd & Suzy...semantics as far as I was concerned. They were the first site I found when I went looking for like minded people who share my interests and through their website I was suddenly linked to dozens of different sites covering ALL aspects of spanking, discipline, etc., so as far as I was concerned this was the equivalent of getting to go see Guns N' Roses in 1997!
When I got a 'wink' from them on their blog (and they had to explain to me what that was!) I was flying for like a week. In all my interaction with them, via the blogs and email, they had been super nice and so helpful, so after making several comments about looking me up if they came to my area, I finally got the magical email. They were coming and wanted to meet!
The first email ended:
Let us know if you're free and what ideas you might have as far as plans go. We're open to just about anything so just let us know.
Okay, immediately I began to worry. (I get excited and then I worry), "Just about anything". Did they mean spanking? I mean, it's not like we all met at a quilting bee! Okay, that's fine, but what if they didn't mean spanking and I thought they did and then it's really awkward because I just assume they do and they don't? (I get excited, I worry, I over think...it's a disease people!)


So I wrote back "What do you mean by 'open to anything'" and they were kind enough to reply that basically if I wanted to get lunch and meet, great. If I wanted to meet and maybe have a spanking, fine. They wrote they weren't pushy and were very respectful of my boundaries. Then they mentioned Spankopoly.


Okay, rewind past the over thinking and the worry. Spankopoly! After all the reading I had done on their post, I was going to get to play their game they invented. Now I was even MORE excited. So like the truly thoughtful bottom I am, I immediately shaved my legs and picked out some cute, new panties.

They mentioned arriving Sunday morning, I arranged to be free from 11-3, which I hadn't mentioned to them. Just shot them am email telling them to call me. They didn't. I was a little disappointed, but no worries. Things happen when you travel, plans change and I didn't know what their internet access was like. So okay, I headed home to prepare for my staff meeting at work that evening and the phone rang. And I missed it. It was an out of state number and it was them! Again, so friendly and nice and we made arrangements for me to meet them at their motel at 8pm that night. Back to excited!!!!

I was a little but nervous when I knocked on their door and when I entered and saw maybe 30 implements on the dining table in their suite laid out, okay I glanced and then went to sit down while I was still safe!!! We talked for about 1/2 an hour, getting to know you stuff. And they were exactly what I thought they would be...so friendly...so down to earth...so kind.

Then they asked me if I wanted to play Spankopoly. Now, even though I felt I could totally be myself, I didn't want to come off as some hyper, crazy, psycho freak, so I shrugged, smiled and said sure, sound good, as nonchalantly as I could. (I hope I'm not embarrassing Todd & Suzy, by going on and on, but they really are wonderful people) So money was counted out, pieces were chosen (I was the laptop - HAHA) and the game officially began.

To be continued tomorrow...

Tupperware

It is roughly 30 days until my soon to be ex moves out (God willing because homicide is swiftly appearing as a more viable alternative) and since we have been seperated (but living together) for a little over 2 years and the years before that weren't so great, I can say with definite certainty, that I am 99% ECSTATIC that this relationship is over. The number will fluctuate once our child is informed, I know that. The other night I actually got a little sad thinking about my vegetable garden while I have never set foot in, since I have a tendency to kill all living plant life and wondering what would happen to it next summer when he was gone. So I'm not saying I'm doing cartwheels...okay I'm doing SOME cartwheels. But today, I started thinking about the things I can do when he is gone. And what brought this to mind was my tupperware, most of which is the cheapter Glad stuff, not that it matters.

Now keep in mind, that I've considered myself single for 27 months, but legally I was not and logistically, I was not, as B. & Mr. Wonderful point out. So when I am REALLY single, AND living alone, in EVERY WAY, I guess it will be different.

When I am single, all my tupperware will be stored neatly, with the lids on the proper containers and they will stay that way. Years of angst brainwashed me into thinking "At least he put some dishes away! Be grateful!" but I don't have to think that anymore.

When I am single, I can bring in groceries without being accosted "How much was this?" "Did we really need this?" (This is really infuriating, considering how frugal and sensible I am)

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can invite people over without worrying about anyone else's "mood". Is he happy and polite and jovial? Is he sullen and snippy and menopausal? (I am 100% convinced male menopause...VERY real!!!)

When I am single and kid is with dad (or even in bed asleep) I can use vibrator whenever I want. Why not use it now? While I have my own room, this sucker is (or seems) loud.

When I am single, I can go get a tattoo and anyone who would like to offer suggestions on what to get, I am open. Something small, something tasteful, something that will be placed where only I and those I grace with the honor of viewing can see. Should it be something significant to the occasion? Like shackles breaking?

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can come and go as I please, and answer to no one. I don't have to have a reason for going anywhere. I don't have to make up excuses for why I'm gone. Where I go, when I go, completely up to me.

I know there are more and I know there are hard times ahead. The anti-Christ won't respond to any emails about the specifics of the divorce, so I have to actually speak to him. Blech! But how much does that speak to our current times? I'm sitting in a room, emailing a man who is sitting 20 feet away, on another computer? (Trust me, the talking thing wasn't so much working...grunts and insults are two things I WILL NOT MISS!!!)

But it's getting close. It's getting so close and my heart breaks for my child whose world is about to be turned upside down because of my decision. That is something that kept me here years longer than I should have stayed. But I'm moving foward, I'm staying positive, I have my wonderful friends, my family, my kid and my tupperware. :)

The Little Suicide

Okay, so I realized in the last post that I had mentioned that I have plenty of orgasms, with Mr. Wonderful and without and I've realized that I may have mistated that. I have plenty of orgasms WITH Mr. Wonderful. These days, that is it. Now this is highly unusual because I am a Master-Bater HAHA. But truly, something I always credit my mother with was this advice, "The best way to find out what you like is to do it to yourself." and so I did, from my early adolescence on.

I hit my peak 8 1/2 years ago while pregnant. The Antichrist (at that time he was referred to as my husband) worked out of town and was only home Friday night through Sunday afternoon each week. So I was along alot and during this time I must have masturbated 3-5 times a day. It was insane! Once I gave birth, my urges returned to normal and I would say I average 3 times per week, maybe more or less depending on all the things that prevent/encourage people to have sex with another person.

Now a couple of points:

A) I have never used or owned a vibrator or dildo. My orgasms have always come from my hands alone

B) For four years prior to Mr. Wonderful, nothing entered my vagina. Okay my fingers on a very rare occasion, but that's not how I make myself cum, so it wasn't necessary. And, as I mentioned, I did not own a vibrator, no I am talking absolutely nothing entered there.

Funny side note, the first time we tried to have sex, Mr. Wonderful began trying to enter me and it was so painful, he immediately stopped. It was excruiciating. I think it the combination of his size :) and the 4 year penis embargo that caused it. Now I had three orgasms that first time, but actual intercourse was ten kinds of hell.

Well I am nothing if not a problem solver. We weren't able to find time or circumstance to have intercourse again for probably 3-4 weeks after the first attempt, so I bought some lube, some condoms and began buying, at regular intervals, zucchini. We called it my "science experiment" And I set out to make my body more inviting to outside visitors. All the while Mr. Wonderful encouraging me but also making sure I knew that whatever happened, it was fine. And it worked. In like Flynn...(he demanded to know who Flynn was...but that's another story for another day)

Maybe now it's the combination of stress fatigue. Or maybe it's just having sex with someone who knows my body and what to do to it, how to touch it and use it and abuse it :). Maybe, for now, he's ruined me for myself and I need him there to get to that place where my stomach flips and my body begins to shake and I experience "the little death" as the French call it. Maybe it's a positive thing that I need him there to seal the deal, to pull my hair. to peel the layers of skin off my face with his 5 o'clock shadow, which never seems to go away. Maybe I'm to the point, for this moment, where I need a kiss and some sweet talk and a smile when it's over. Maybe I'm changing. And maybe that's okay.

Not Frigid however...

Okay so just to be clear, I am NOT frigid. Absolutely not. I just looked up the definition and I AM NOT frigid. I have orgasms a plenty, with Mr. Wonderful and without. Absolutely no problem. Also, as I was telling him, he is the first man with whom intercourse has been pleasurable. Now I've never had an orgasm with a penis inside me, but I really do enjoy it when we do that. My problem is two fold:

1) When we are playing, when he is dominating me, when he spanks me or slaps me, it almost feels like it's more difficult to cum than if he just kisses me and touches. me. It honestly feels like I'm TOO aroused to respond. Eventually, I am able to talk myself down and enjoy the feel of his body and cum, but is it possible to be SO aroused that it's difficult to respond when you get down to the meat and potatoes?

2) I hate oral sex. I love performing it, CAN NOT STAND receiving it. The minute someone's mouth is down there, I just can't stand it. It's as if my vagina is just TOO sensitive. If he is using his lips (AND ONLY HIS LIPS), it's bareable. Not pleasant, but at least I'm not jumping out of my skin. But the minute a tongue is introduced, I want to jump on the ceiling. It's not painful in anyway, it's just really really hard to take. It makes my entire body tense up and I'm clawing the sheets and I'm moaning (not in ecstasy by any means) and I'm trying to hold it together. My ex said there was something wrong with me and I needed to see a doctor. B., while never judging, seemed surprised because she says that's one of her favorite parts of sex, Mr. Wonderful has been very patient and has tried different things, but honestly, I just think there's something wrong with me! Mr. Wonderful (I think) teased me that I would make the worst lesbian ever! The relationships I've had with women in the past, let's just say it was never an issue, due to time constraints or large, messy emotional issues. BUT I have been told that I am VERY talented when it comes to performing oral sex, on men and women, so I take pride in that.

I told Mr. Wonderful that the issue I've had, and it makes me very self conscious, is that I have this super charged sexual drive and this insanely over sensitive body that rebels against just about everything. I can't take having my ears touched. I can't take anything, fingers, tongue around my belly button, oral sex, we've covered. My nipples were the same way, this infuriating mix of overly sensitive and numb, especially since giving birth 8 years ago. So licking, sucking, can't stand it. Mr. Wonderful, again patient and amazing, realized that what my body would respond to was his mouth on my nipples roughly. He attacks them and it's all good.

So I don't know what to do now. The man has a beautiful, never say die spirit but at the same time, he isn't judging me, so I don't really worry about it, but it does get frustrating. So, my 5 followers and anyone else who should happen by...thoughts? Suggestions? Seriously, I'm at the point I'll try anything!

Also...Mr. Wonderful bought me a vibrator several weeks ago. He used it on my once and I used it last night. The sound and the vibration gets me into a near catatonic state and I go to sleep. Both times. It's a beautiful sensation and absolutely the best way to relax but isn't it supposed to make me cum? Maybe it's defective...maybe I'm defective! :)

Misunderstanding

So I did a google image search for misunderstanding and found nothing so I just put this up. This is THE hottest woman! I mean...wow!
So Mr. Wonderful and I had our first "misunderstanding". 5 months in, it was bound to happen. And I refuse to call it a fight, because it wasn't a lot of heated anger and also, 99% of the "misunderstanding" was done via chat and email. It was a horrible day...the perfect way to end a horrible week in which everything went wrong. It was also the first time since I met him I seriously thought I was going to cry. That's how happy I've been. But the "unfortunant incident aka the misunderstanding" just drove home some realities of our situation that I hate. Most of the time, I can close my eyes to them, but there are times when these realities hit us both in the face and there's nothing we can do abou that. At one point, in one of his emails, he wrote "Let's stop this." it wasn't angry, it wasn't an order, but it was true. It was time to stop. Feelings were hurt, sadness was equally experienced, but we love each other and to me, that's what matters. So, as I honestly love to do, I followed his lead and I stopped emailing with my defenses up.
After he got off work (he leaves work 2 hours before I do), he drove 10 miles out of his way and parked in the parking lot to kiss me for 5 minutes. It was amazing. It was not something that was required, it was definitely not something that I expected him to do, even though it is very much in keeping with his personality. To me, what it did was reconnect us. I was still sad and so was he, but kissing him, touching him, holding him for 5 minutes made me remember that I am madly in love with this man. 100% of my needs are being met 98% of the time, as I told him later. Who gets that in life? Why complicate something so beautiful and organic?
Today was the perfect day. Aside from the fact we almost missed each other because "our place" didn't have any rooms and I had to drive around looking for 1 and was franticallly texting him, it was perfect. Tied to a chair for 25 minutes, face slapped several times, some paddling, a wonderful orgasm (for both of us), then afterwards, an hour of relaxation. An hour of talking and again, I felt, reconnecting. He said it was nice to see my smile after the week I had had. He apologized for Friday and I did as well, because it's not about blame or fault, it's about loving hiim, something I'm prepared to do...I don't feel like I should say forever, but I can't see a time when I won't. I did ask him the other day if ever broke up, for whatever reason, if we could still email and chat, because I need to make sure that, in whatever capacity it is, I am able to love him forever. He said we could and that let me breath again.

9 1/2 Weeks

9 1/2 weeks was on tonight. Good movie. I say that because I LOVE Mickey Rourke. Young, beautiful Mickey Rourke, older, damaged Mickey Rourke, any Mickey Rourke. And the movie is very sophisticated. At least that's how I remember it from when I was a teenager. It just seemed like such a sexy movie.
Then I read the book. WOW!!!!! You want to talk about diverting from the original source! In the movie, I guess Mickey is supposed to be "dangerous". We know this because he blindfolds Kim Bassinger. That's about it. He buys a riding crop and while he's in the store he bring it down on her thigh 1 time. In 1 scene, he tells her to remove her underwear and stand against the wall and prepare to be spanked. FINALLY SOME ACTION!) and then she goes ballistic and starts hitting him and then they end up having sex on his table, but he never actually spanks her. Then he gets a hooker to touch her a little and they watch a live sex show. That's really about it. It's supposed to be this sexual, psychological thing and as those go, I guess it's okay. It's fun to watch in that Kim and Mickey were both so young and so beautiful and Adrian Lyne is a good director for a sort of highly stylized movie and his fingerprints are all over this. The biggest draw back though is Mickey Rourke's smile. He is always smiling in this movie. Is he supposed to be dangerous? Is he supposed to be controlling her? He just never seems to be taking it seriously. It's very distracting. Plus side, Kim Bassinger does a really good masturbation scene. Much more enjoyable than the strip tease scene, which seems kind of pointless.
By comparison, the book seems so hardcore. From the beginning, this guy is in charge. One of the first times they are together, he slaps her and then they examine the mark together in the mirror. He feeds her dinner and gives her a bath and puts her to bed and she is in handcuffs the entire time. (I LOVE that!) He dominates her in just about every conceivable way and she can't stop. And there is a scene with a hooker but it's actually a scene in much greater detail, because this hooker actually makes up and dresses the protagonist to look just like the hooker. The thing that I remember most vividly was the fact that the man inserted and removed the woman's tampons. That just horrified and fascinated me and aroused me all at the same time. To this day, it is just the coolest and weirdest thing for some reason. The book is going along fine until the woman has a breakdown and the guy basically dumps her at a hospital and she never sees him again and then it's like she's sort of damaged forever. Not crazy about the ending but everything unit then tapped into this part of me that at 16 had no name and no outlet. I was so turned on by what this woman wrote. She was a complete submissive and I had never encountered those ideas or that way of living. It felt like it opened up a whole new world for me. A world I sometimes feel like I am still trying integrate into my own. A world that still amazes and fascinates me.

Clothespins

Okay, so I'm in a really weird place, mentally. My car broke down, as divorce drawn nearer, things are getting tenser, I suddenly found myself smack dab in the middle of the questions Ginger recently raised in her post about the fears associated with a partner who is older than you, etc. (and all the comments that followed), when Mr. Wonderful had a procedure last week and didn't tell me until afterwards, plus he has guests in this weekend, so the email/chatting connection has been very limited. Plus I get really bummed when I can't think of a clever title for a post!

I'm just really unsettled and distracted (And I can just hear Todd & Suzy saying "stress relief spanking!" :) )

But since that is not an option, I started thinking about some things that Mr. Wonderful and I have recently discussed that put me in a much more positive state of mind, if I omit the fact that I don't know when/if they'll actually happen! :)

Mr. Wonderful mentioned recently introducing clothespins into our relationship. I read a post on a blog about someone who's Master puts them on her clit. The first thing that came into my head was "OW!" and honestly, I always thought that would be my reaction to the idea of clothespins on my nipples but when Mr. Wonderful suggested it, I was immediately intrigued and aroused. Now, to qualify, my nipples are not overly sensitive. In fact, they almost seem impervious to pain. My nipples are numb a lot of the time and for some reason, if they are kissed and licked gently, the sensation is not at all pleasant. Not sure why. Seemed to start when I was pregnant 9 years ago. Mr. Wonderful, being so wonderful, realized early on in our physical relationship that I got pleasure by his attending to my nipples roughly. He doesn't bite them much, although that would be interesting to see how that feels, mostly rough sucking. Last time we were together, he pinched one and it took a minute or two before I felt anything and as he pinched harder, demanding that I tell him when it hurt, I had to admit that it really didn't. They just aren't that sensitive. Maybe that helped me not freak out at the mention of a clothespin, which I hope will result in sensation of some sort.

We had a discussion about anal sex a while back and I think the general consensus was no. He was worried about hurting me, I wasn't too concerned about the actual act, but the last time I had anal sex what I recall was the week or so it took me to recover and that was in my 20's! Now I'm almost 40 and the prospect just didn't jump out at me. So we agreed and were both good with that. But the idea has shifted in my mind and I've mentioned to him that I would like to try it. I got some advice from a friend on different methods that can be helpful and it feels like something that will help me tap into a truly submissive part of myself. It intrigues me how something foreign in the anus, whatever it may be, for some people signifies the ultimate violation, for some it signifies the ultimate act of submission, for some, heck, it just means it's Tuesday! But this trust I have in Mr. Wonderful, and I'm realizing each day it's less about trusting him with my body and more about trusting him with my heart and my emotions, allows me to feel comfortable doing these things. He seems to love the fact that there is nothing he can mention doing to my body that I'll say no to and that I ask him to do things he probably never would have considered.

I told him early on that anything in my mouth, except his body parts, was a deal breaker but even that is changing. If he told me to, if he desired something in my mouth, I know it's what I would do, trusting him 100% to make sure I was safe, to talk me through it, to protect me. He loves me like no one ever has and that's scary. But scary in a way that I cling to. I feel very needy at times and I work really hard to hide that, because it's not something that is going to facilitate much of anything positive within the dynamics of our relationship, but it's there, the fear, the panic, the desperate need to hold him and cling to him. I have to acknowledge it and make sure it doesn't become a liability and it's probably the only thing I feel like I can't talk to him about. Um, my positive post is quickly becoming a downer. But it feels good to get it all out. Maybe that's why God invented blogs... :)