Waxing 101

Well, I did it. I kept the appointment, there was enough (apparently more than I thougth) that was 1/4 inch or more. Some things I learned today:
A bikini wax waxes just the bikini line (two fingers in as Jenny my friendly neighborhood sadist informed me in a very cheery tone)
An extreme bikini wax does the bikini line and what's on top.
Then there's the Brazilian which does it all, and I mean ALL. Yes, I was a little surprised when she told me exactly where she wanted to put hot wax (I mean she hadn't even bought me dinner) but the funny thing is, she said that getting the inside of your rear end waxed was actually the least painful. Um...okay.
She said that many people opted for the extreme bikini because they found the Brazilian to be too much to take their first time out. We agreed that she would being with the basic and we would see where we went. I work with a woman who, no how clearly you ask her a question, she always always stops you and says "Show me...I'm a visual person and I need to see it on the system..." and then she has the answer almost immediately.
I wonder sometimes if I am a verbal person. I seem okay with just about anything, if someone talks me through it and learning new things is really fascinating to me. And Jenny was very good about answering questions, explaining what was happening. There were times that the act of ripping the hair from my body hurt more than others (and she was right about the bottom...it was the least painful), but all in all, it was not torture.
Jenny was very professional and very thorough. She does a number of things at the facility where I went and said that doing facials was her favorite. (I would say that that goes without saying, considering that she has seen more of me than my gynecologist ever has!). I learned that while they say that Brazilian includes "the back", the actual name for it is a sphynx wax. They use strips of cloth made from poplin to do the ripping. They suggest aloe rather than lotion or cream for aftercare of the injured area. :)
Mr. & Mrs. Spanko and I were debating last night (after some wonderful phone sex) what the waxers reaction would be if I asked her to take a picture after she was done of...her work. Would she shrug and take it because it's something that happens all the time? Or would she be shocked and think I was a freak. So I asked Jenny about it, as more of a hypothetical issue my friends & I had been discussing and assured her I didn't have a camera. She said she had never been asked that and while it would seem a little strange, she probably would not object. (I was able to manage the pictures on my own though). I was sent on my way with instructions for tepid showers and aloe.
So I went and bought myself some Aloe after and what I got was the cooling aloe with menthol. WOW!!! I have no other words to describe this sensation. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice on my genitals and left it there. Not painful, not uncomfortable, just COLD!!!! And kind of....nice. I may keep putting it on after I shave myself!
Jenny kept telling me to come back in 3-4 weeks and each time it will get easier, although she pointed out that I hadn't seemed to have any problems. I don't know if I'm going back. I know I can't spend that kind of money on waxing on a continuous basis. She advised me, as Mrs. Spanko did, to get a better razor. So we'll see. But it's something I can cross off my list. Something I can say I've done. And I'll admit it looks kind of cool! Still a little sore here and there, but hey, as my mother always said, beauty knows no pain! :)

Single Life Conundrums

Someone recently asked me if I want to have any more kids. The question was a jarring one, because this is suddenly a relevant question to ask me once more. I’m going to be dating and “Do you want anymore kids?” is a pertinent question that is in no way out of line. I just didn’t think I would have to answer it again. “No, absolutely not,” was always the answer when I was married. We both liked having 1 child. End of story. Now, that story has actually ended and I have to come up with answers for the new questions in the new story.

Another thing I’m going to be navigating is the shaving issue. Apparently the general population wants a woman shaved and smooth. This has not been my experience in the past.. Prior to now, the people I encountered didn’t seem to care so I never took any steps to rectify this. Also, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I’ve worn a bathing suit in the past 10 years and when I did, I was 50 pounds heavier and the bottom part of the 1 piece were shorts, so no…maintenance of overgrowth has not been a priority.

Now, it appears it is going to be. Well I’m nothing if not accommodating. I tried to shave myself a few times. Then Mr. Wonderful attempted to help as well. We both had some limited success and looking back, I blame the razors which were suited just fine for legs and pits, but perhaps not other more challenging areas.

Earlier this week I was instructed by Mr. Spanko (of Mr. & Mrs. Spanko, my new friends I am currently having phone sex with) to shave before our next phone session. And so yesterday I tried. Again, doing the best I could. Last night, Mrs. Spanko gave me advice on the type of razor and shaving cream to use and I was again, instructed to try soon.

Monday night through Wednesday morning, I am going to be spending 38 hours IN A ROW, with Mr. Wonderful. This has never happened, so I thought, why not give him a thrill and get waxed.

I called a beauty salon place near my house and asked them about waxing. I have never been waxed so I got the low down on bikini versus extreme bikini versus Brazilian. Okay I make an appointment and the lady says “We’ll see you then…”

and I say “Do I need to bring anything? Do anything?”

“Just grow out…”

“Grow out?”
“Yeah, the hair needs to be ¼ inch thick…”

Um…okay. Here’s my challenge, I shaved last night and while I truly believe I did a piss poor job, the hair that’s left may well be less than ¼ inch. Do I get a ruler? A teeny, tiny ruler? (Those of you about to email me, offering to come measure…and you KNOW who you are, PUT DOWN THE MOUSE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!!!!)

The lady did offer that if I just came in, the technician would “Give it a look and see what she could do…”

Okay…I guess we’ll see!

Recently I received my performance appraisal at work and 1 thing they talked to me about was my attitude towards learning new things. Apparently I am professional, I am well liked, I am respected and appreciated as a hard worker and valuable member of our team. But when it comes to learning new things, I suck and they said as much. I become snarly and uncooperative is the general consensus. I agreed to work on it because while “Someone should really talk to me about my attitude” is my perfect standard, flirty, smart-ass comeback to my friends and lovers in the spanko world, I resisted the urge to say it to my 61 year old female boss!

Lately I’m realizing that while I may resist those new things (I’m sorry they are super boring and do not relate to my job at all, but I have improved…fear of unemployment has seen to that!!)…there are so many things I’m discovering I have absolutely NO qualms about investigating. I am feeling very adventurous and inquisitive right now. Things I thought would never hold any appeal, I’m suddenly interested in knowing…whether I try them or not may be another issue…or maybe it won’t.

Many attribute this to the final home stretch of the divorce, which is slowly wrapping up and at the same time becoming more contentious and ugly. I know there are those, even aside from Mr. Wonderful, who worry I’m going to jump off the deep end and go nuts but it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I get to open my eyes, I get to see what’s out there, I get to make decisions on what I do and what I learn based on me and only me. That feels nice. Someone please remind me of this as I’m having the hair ripped from the follicles in my body on Sunday! If I’m lucky (and bushy) enough that is...

Random Musings

1) A silent duck. I'll admit I had never heard of a silent duck before. I had never heard of "the bellows" before. I had never heard of "My hand in your pocket". And honestly, someone mentioned fisting to me and I thought of 1 thing, a full on fist inserted...wherever it is that people insert fists. Wikipedia has helped me to see the light on some of this, stating that this is rarely the case. But there is this picture...of what it says is actually the sign for the letter T in American Sign Language...and what struck me is that the notation says the letter T position of fisting became popular in the 90's. How in the hell does someone corroborate that piece of information? So we've got flannel shirts, grunge rock, coffee houses, Seinfeld, Friends and...

"I'll take popular fads of the 90's for 500 Alex!"
"The sexual practice that involves using the American Sign Language sign for the letter T..." "What is fisting, Alex!!!!"
"Correct!!!!"
2) Today is Vinyl Record Day and I was thinking that my generation may be the last generation to remember the sound of a needle on vinyl, that beautiful scratch...and tomorrow is International Left Handers Day. And VERY nice try to my friend who is trying to claim he's ambidextrous in order to score some action tomorrow...VERY nice try.
3) Today I heard "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. I think I'm going to put that on my list of Great Songs to Have Sex To. I've heard the song like a thousand times, but never realized it until today. It joins the ranks of "Cry to Me" Solomon Burke and "Lovin', Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey.
4) My daughter's third grade teacher looks 16! It was the most depressing thing EVER! When I am old enough to be my kids teacher's mother, then life has officially decided to bitch slap me. On the plus side, she's REALLY hot so parent-teacher conferences will be MUCH more interesting.
5) Ninja says he's making me a paddle. We've been debating wood and I found this great website
http://www.diadot.com/wood/
which lists A LOT of characteristics of A LOT of wood. It's actually very interesting to read about all this different wood. I was very excited at the prospect of having a paddle made out of "European Hornbeam" but he said that his fairly rural area of the Midwest does not have a great supply of Eurpoean Hornbeam! So now, it's down to Poplar or Red Oak. We'll see.
:)

Shifting Sands of Monogamy

You know like The Temple of Doom? :) Wait that sounds wrong...

So I made a commitment to physical monogamy until Labor Day. Why? Many reasons, I guess. But I guess I am thinking now about the idea that I'm giving up monogamy more than the fact that I vowed it.
I don't know that I've ever been a truly monogamous person. I began an affair with A., a woman I worked with, just after I got married to the AntiChrist. (Then he was merely in the early stages of evil). While I loved him and was committed to our life together, but felt this urge, this desire, I felt myself drawn to this other person and I acted on it. That was my last dalliance until things went way down hill years later and the marriage was essentially over. But even in the interim years, I always felt like the idea of an open marriage is not something I would have objected to. It just never came up.

I don't know now what I think about it. I know I always felt like I was happily monogamous to Mr. Wonderful for most of the past 6 months, but there have been different people who've come along. A man who was looking for someone to dominate him. We met once, we had coffee, we kissed three times and we parted. Honestly, I often searched for reasons why I met him, and at the time what I came up with was that meeting someone else made me remember what kind of a situation I was in. No matter how much I have fooled myself, Mr. Wonderful & I were not destined to be together long term. Sometimes it felt like meeting people became a way to see if I could break his "spell" on me.
And this is not to say that I am meeting people or moving beyond friendly correspondence indiscriminately. I am meeting with people (the few I have) because I feel a connection on some level, because they appeal to me and I appeal to them and we are interested in exploring that. But so far, aside from three brief kisses and very chaste, friendly hugs with others, I have not touched anyone.

This has been a big topic recently. Mainly because what I have told him is that given the chance, I will stay with him. I will stay and I will kill myself to be the answer to every desire he's ever had because if I work just a little harder and fuck him a little better, he'll choose to stay with me. Yes, you are witnessing a woman who thinks she can change a man! No, please don't clutch your chest in shock! :)
But it's what I did for 13 years in my marriage and it's what I would do here in an instant, if I close my eyes to my past for 1 second. I have to forever remember where I've been so I NEVER go back again. As previously stated in the aforementioned post (WOW! Who reads contracts all day for a living?!??!?) it's a sad situation.

And while he may not have been up on the theories and reasons behind my Labor Day plan before, Mr. Wonderful has been sensing that things have shifted. Things are different. They are still wonderful on a million different levels, just this ever so slight shift. Because now there is a future. My future...whatever I choose to make that. Mr. Wonderful and the AntiChrist could not be more different. Mr. Wonderful treats me like I am so special and so beautiful and so sexual and smart and I'm just not used to that! It's amazing and it makes me ache it's so beautiful. But at the same time, there's a common denominator between them and that is that something is missing from these relationships. Something endeavors to make sure I'm just this side of happy. I know that no one is happy all the time. I get it. But there are dead ends in both these situations. I pointed out to him that I will beat myself against the wall at the end of this dead end street until I am useless to anyone and have to leave in order to survive.

B. thinks if Mr. W showed up tomorrow, ready to be with me and only me, I would freak out or at the very least, be disappointed that I didn't get to experience being single. I can't say that is true or false. If I got that with Mr. W. would I be monogamous? Would I tell him, "Yes, you and only you?" I thought I would. Maybe I would. But it's a big world with a lot of fun people who can make me laugh. I've got a really cool guy discussing wood types with me so he can make me a paddle...I've got new phone sex partners...and while I feel a true connection to these new people, I've probably sought these out, at least initially, because I knew Mr. Wonderful, while a permanent fixture and I can't stop that and I don't want to stop that, while a person I love more than anyone I think I've loved before, is not going to be my exclusive, monogamous Mr. Wonderful forever.

And maybe the universe is okay with that. And once I push through the sadness, I'll be okay with it too. I can't tell anyone where I'll be in 10 minutes, much less a year or 5 years from now. And yes I will be sad after Labor Day, but it seems like that date is coming to me in an organic flow. Another shift. AC will have moved out and I can move forward with Mr. Wonderful by my side in some capacity and (SAFELY!!!) see what's out there.
I'm actually proud of myself for seeing the shift and going with it. Rather than spending more than a decade of angst filled resentment trying to change it and mold it into what I thought it needed to be.

Safety

I was looking over some posts today and it caught my eye that I mentioned that while Todd was spanking me but also holding me in a certain manner, that I felt very safe. And then I started thinking how many times I had written the word safe on this blog and how safety and security are things I feel like I'm constantly seeking. And one thing I love to do is look up the "official" definition of words when they are floating in my mind. Safe: Free from hurt, injury danger or risk. Safe: dependable or trustworthy. I guess most of this springs from Mr. Wonderful's extreme paranoia that I am not being safe. I scare him is his newest catch phrase. He thinks I'm taking too many risks when I agree to meet someone in person after I've met them on the internet.

When I try to defend my position, I think I probably appear like a petulant teenager who thinks nothing bad will ever happen and the grown ups are all overreacting and trying to ruin my fun and nothing could be further from the truth. I am a very responsible and cautious person. I am a parent and nothing is more important to me than that. When I meet someone in person that I have met on the internet, (and by the way, that's maybe 5 total people INCLUDING Mr. Wonderful), I have taken a lot of precautions including making sure that B. knows exactly where I am, phone numbers, locations, etc. Now, is all this a 100% guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen? Of course not. But no one can guarantee me that if I'm sitting in my house, it won't one day catch on fire and kill me. I point out that the BTK killer was an elder in his church and Scott & Lacy Peterson did not meet on the internet. Date rape and murder have been around A LOT longer than the internet and I could meet someone on the internet and end up married for the rest of my life or meet someone in a library or a church and end up in a dumpster. There are no guarantees in life and there is only so much we can do.

That being said, I sometimes wonder more about emotional safety, because the ironic thing is that the people I've met on the internet and then physically met have all been wonderful people. They have all been warm and kind and my life is enriched through knowing them. The people who gave birth to me, the person who vowed to honor and cherish me, various "friends", these are the people who hurt me. These are the people who damaged me. These are the people who criticize and insult and verbally and mentally abuse me. The safe people have done the most damage. So I find it ironic that no one has ever said to me "Be careful and take every precaution..." when dealing with family or spouses...loved ones. I wasn't safe growing up, I was lulled into believing I was safe when I fell in love and got married...I wasn't.

Maybe it's not safety I'm looking for. Maybe free from hurt, injury, danger and risk doesn't exist. Reliable and dependable may not exist either. So if they don't, then what am I looking for?

We went to a writing seminar over the weekend and were told to write down our favorite song, our favorite literary characters, etc. and I noticed every choice I made was sad. I'm drawn to the sad. Parts of me are always a little sad. I always credit Mr. Wonderful with healing me and on so many levels he did...he made me realize that I deserved to be treated decently and that there were people out there who would, that I had something to offer, that I was not a laundry list of faults and defects I had been labeled with for 30 years. That doesn't make our realtionship any less sad. Our situation is sad. It will end sadly. He makes me very happy and very sad and that is what I had to accept and knew all along but knowing only alleviates his guilt when it's over, because I've been promised nothing. He has said all along, there's a price to pay and I'm the one paying it. Yet it's the people on the internet I'm warned against...

At this same workshop, it asked what is the one thing you want. I wrote peace. Peace: A state of tranquility or serenity. That sounds closer to the truth. I try hard not to be overdramatic, but I feel truly that there will never be a time that there won't be a small part of me that is sad. Too much has happened over the last 40 years and there are just things that are what they are. But a state of tranquility and serenity. That feels like it might be attainable. That feels like something to work towards. Get rid of the negative energy. Get rid of the voices. I can't get rid of the memories but I can work towards sucking them dry of all the power they hold over me. I can make the effort to surround myself with people and experiences and situations that allow me to work towards becoming more tranquil and serene and happier. What could be safer than that?

In Case of Emergency

(This picture was TOO cute to pass up)

So let's say, hypothetically, that I'm in a car accident or get attacked by Zombies...it could happen...and while eventually, I'm fine, at the time of the accident, I end up in the hospital and therefore am unable to clean out my car...what then?

When Mr. Wonderful and I hooked up, neither of us had any accessories or implements. Our first night together he brought lube and two $1 candles. As time has gone on, our arsenal has grown, but as two people, neither of whom can host at their place of residence, storage has become an issue.

If I were to hypothetically die, I could care less who finds what. I'll be dead. However, let me assure you, I won't die. No way. What will happen, is my car will be towed and someone in my life will have to clean out the car and then I will have to talk to the person who did, or at the very least, I'll just have to know that they know what is in my car...and they'll know I know. I just have this picture of my mother doing inventory as she goes through my trunk:

1 pair of handcuffs, lined with red fur and 1 set of keys

1 Hannah Montana Paddle

1 flimsy wood paddle

1 Wooden Yardstick

1 black nylon spatula

1 red rubber riding crop (Say that 10 times fast!)

1 pink Soft Teaze Vibrating Dong

1 Micro Orbit Smooth 2000 (I know! I still think the 2000 makes it sound cooler so I add that part myself)

1 paper bad of white feathers (wait...this looks like a cat toy!)

1 bag of clothespins (unused)

2 bottles lube

1 bottle unscented lotion

1 bottle of Mr. Bubble

1 copy of Fairground Attraction, basically a novel about Disciplined Carnival Workers (Thanks J!)

1 pink and black bustier (there's your visual for the day Ninja...and NO!! I'm not sending any pictures!)

1 pair black fishnet hose

1 Catholic School girl outfit

2 vanilla candles almost empty (VANILLA candles...would anyone get the irony?)

10 feet of white rope

1 pair scissors

1 bottle of Sutra Safe Suds (for cleaning toys that are used internally)

1 lighter

1 List of things to do: Join Spanking Union, Order Proper paddle off Internet,

I try to remember to transfer the two unassuming suitcases that all this is stored in from my trunk to my closet after Mr. Wonderful & I meet, but the other day I forgot. And when I got to work, I remembered my make up bag had been hastily packed in one of them. So I'm standing in the parking lot, of a faith based corporation, with an opened suitcase full of sex toys spilling out as I looked for eye liner! Luckily none of the nuns were happening by my car...:)

If my brother were to clean out my car, he wouldn't care. But it'll be my mom...that's just the kind of luck I have. Then, once I've completely recovered, she'll be giving me this look...my mother is by no means a prude when it comes to sex...quite the opposite. It's not so much about worrying she'll be shocked as it is not wanting her all up in my business. If it happened to be AntiChrist who found it, I don't know what his reaction would be. Not that his opinion matters much, but who knows what he tells people or my kid.

Actually though, the whole thing has led me to a question. Who is going to be my "In Case of Emergency" person now? I'm assuming my mother, but she tends to be the hysterical type. My brother might work. I guess I could put my 12 step sponsor, that would be the best person for me, but I don't want to inconvenience her. Or I could just keep everything the same with AntiChrist as the one. In almost 40 years, no one has ever actually called my emergency contact, so I guess it wouldn't matter. But in 13 years, it's always been him and now, not so much.

And things like that catch me off guard. I'm so happy to be leaving this relationship. My therapist, my sponsor, my minister, every trained professional in my life, knows it was time to go 5 years ago. I had to follow the process and do it at my own pace, but I am doing it. But every once in awhile, something like this...not missing him by any means...but missing the idea that I KNOW who is my emergency contact. I was informed the other day I should probably join AAA, indicating that if my car broke down, he wouldn't be the one I would call and he always has been. Not because I knew he could handle a crisis (please believe me he can't), but because who else would you call? You need a quart of milk, you call your partner. You call the person you live with. We've been estranged for years, but if the computer doesn't work, then I tell him.
Again, these things don't strike me as sad, as much as they do surreal. I've spent 1/3 of my life (to the day) with this person. That's a lot of time. And if there is someone out there who does NOT treat me like shit, all day, every day, they are already miles ahead of AntiChrist in terms of being a partner, but it's just so weird to realize he isn't going to be here. He isn't going to be a physical part of my life anymore. He isn't going to be sitting next to me at dinner judging me and making snide remarks and criticisms. So YAY!!! YAY but weird...
Maybe I'll take comedian Steven Wright's excellent advice. He writes on forms "In case of emergency call...a doctor...I mean, what's my MOM gonna do?"

Game Time aka Meeting Todd & Suzy Part II

When last we left Shygirl, she had just gotten off the bus, ready to experience adventure on this...her first trip to the “big city”...

Okay, not really. What I was doing was playing Spankopoly with Todd and Suzy who were visiting my town.
It’s a really fun game. Dice were rolled, pieces moved, money and property exchanged hands and the thing they pointed out is that many people, when playing for the first time, don’t realize that it can take a while to get a spanking. But eventually, they did begin. Todd was in a chair, sitting across from Suzy & me on the couch. And while I know Suzy got the first spanking, I can’t recall if I got the 2nd or if she had 2 before my first. But there I was, walking around the game table, and laying across Todd’s lap. And he began. OH MY GOD, I thought the man was going to kill me…just kidding! :) Actually, it was a very nice sensation. I know he was spanking me lighter than he was Suzy, that much was very obvious, but we had all just met and I appreciated his consideration. The thing that stood out the most was how relaxed we all were. We were laughing, and we were talking while we played. When it was time for a spanking, Suzy or I would sort of play-complain, she would try to talk him out of it and I would just sigh, feigning frustration and go “Oh man!” but neither of us were truly upset, obviously. Todd pointed out that Suzy can never remember that he's right handed, so she keep going to his left side, so by the end of the evening, I was calling out, "He's right handed!"
The funniest thing was that I couldn’t quite figure out how to answer his questions. “How does that feel on your bottom…” “Good?” It stung a little but good seemed like the answer because I really was enjoying it. As the game progressed, the spankings did get harder, but certainly manageable. My piece on the board seemed drawn to the birthday square where Tops got money and bottoms got 20 spanks. I think I landed there 3 times! And I also ended up in jail aka “the woodshed” twice and always picked the 25 spanks and 25 dollar option to get out sooner.
Todd set a time limit on the game because like it's counterpart, Spankopoly can go on forever and then he asked me if I wanted to keep playing, talk some more or engage in more spanking. Well it seemed rude to turn down a spanking. I mean, I was their guest after all and I am nothing if not polite!
They asked me some more questions, and then we retired to the other part of the room where the bed was. While the whole thing was very enjoyable, it really seemed like we were all experimenting on my body. Seeing what I liked, seeing what I could handle, seeing what I could take and how I reacted to different implements. I got a "Build up" spanking that Suzy said Todd was famous for where it starts out as if he's barely brushing my bottom and then builds to quite a bit of heat and pain. He had some implements laid out, although I couldn't see them from my position. :) The thing that made me smile, was that while he was spanking my bottom, Suzy was standing at my top, showing me other implements, telling me where they were procured, trying to sell me on joining the Spanking Union...it was like from the waist down was his and from the waist up was hers. I was teasing her in my best frustrated voice to stop bringing over more implements because when she did he used them!
I think my favorite implement was something they called the Boudoir Strap but if that's wrong, maybe Todd & Suzy will mention it if they decide to write about our encounter. (Which the prospect of possibly being a topic or a mention in one of their posts is pretty cool!)
But Todd pronounced me a "leather girl" which surprised me, (for some reason I always thought I would be a wood girl, but I'm not complaining...God knows the man is certainly better equipped to make that assessment and I was honored by the title), and Suzy said that my bottom was a nice shade of pink when he was done. Near the end I was very relaxed, even more than I had been while we were playing the game. Being over his lap, with 1 hand holding me in place and 1 spanking me, I felt calm and safe and it was a very wonderful feeling.
Then he rubbed, applied something to my pink and somewhat sore bottom (been racking my brain and can't think of the name of it but I'm sure someone else can let me know!) and as much as I would have liked to stay, I had to get up at 415am for job #1 so sadly, our time was brief, yet wonderful.
So after redressing myself, two big hugs and promises to visit them if I head South or get in touch with me next time they were visiting, I was on my way, a little sorer than when I arrived, but very happy, having felt like I had just experienced a big adventure. A wonderful, exciting adventure with two super awesome friends.