Rug Beater

(This picture thing is really starting to annoy me!!!)
My friend, I mentioned a while back whom I've known for 4 years, came over for dinner last night. I made dinner and he fixed my IPOD and we had a very pleasant evening. He then noticed three things I had hanging on my fireplace. One was an old fashioned, brass bed warmer, one looks like a brass sauce pan with a very long handle and the third is this. A metal, heart shaped rug beater. But, he pointed out, "I'm sure it can be used for other things..." and we laughed. But if I had a brain in my head, I would have looked at him, smiled and said, "Is that an offer?"
A few weeks ago, we were texting. He was home alone but too tired to come out and as we were texting, I said something a little flip and he texted back "Watch ur mouth or I'll spank u...U know, some other time when I'm not so tired..." and then I proceeded to tease him about being old. He texts or chats these flirty comments about spanking, which he knows I like, but then when we're together, it's strictly platonic. Last night was the first in person reference he had made. And I feel like I blew it. At the same time, its only been 3 months or so since his long term girlfriend passed away. There are times he is clearly grieving and times he appears to be okay (such as last night). I have said all along that if we are meant to be together or to date or to whatever, it will happen when its meant to. But it gets infuriating when he makes these comments but then never follows through. At the same time, I'm scared he'll make an advance and then regret it and resent me if its too soon. So I wait, and I hope, and now I look at my rug beater (its not red but the picture on my phone made it look so) and smile now.
And on a side note, no Todd I would NOT like to try out the rug beater when you're in town. I had this feeling you might offer... :)

Forgetting to remember

If you fall in love with someone and marry them and build a life and and go through all of life's experiences, from buying a home to having a child to unemployment to burying parents, and you realize they don't love you, it's amazing the things you can forget while on that journey.
That you are a person of substance
That you are a good, kind person
That you are smart
That you are sexual
That you have so much to contribute to the world

And if you move on and fall in love again with someone who truly loves you and worships you and makes you feel special every day and then they choose someone else over you and leave, its amazing the things you forget again, 15 weeks later. 15 weeks with no one in your life.

You forget what another person's body feels like
You forget what its like to kiss someone
You forget how to eat lunch with someone
You forget what its like to receive compliments
You forget what its like to have someone hold you
You forget the words. The beautiful words.
You forget your sexual drive

And even if you're happy being on your own, happy to try and figure out how to be alone, relieved to not be waiting for the next fight or waiting for the other shoe to drop and end your relationship, proud to be independent and truly functioning as an adult, working effectively, paying bills on time, raising a child to the best of your ability, it's also easy to forget that it can get lonely. And maybe you don't want to get married again. Maybe the independence and the being alone is the best thing, but it can still get lonely, occasionally. I never thought it would. I enjoy being alone too much to get lonely. But here I am, happily alone and occasionally lonely. That's okay, it'll be what it'll be. I'm just trying not to get caught up in any self pity, because sometimes when you're thinking about all the things that came before, new stuff pops up in the present.

Someone emails you and you find yourself trying to playfully pursue them and you remember that you have a good personality and are an expert flirter!

Someone finds you on Facebook and you email back and forth and are paid several compliments, which reminds you that you are beautiful and vibrant and witty.

Someone tells you they will pay you a visit and you remember what its like to have that physical desire and to want to be with someone and remember that you really enjoy sex and are really pretty good at it.

I don't want to come off as conceited, but what's wrong with remembering my good points? I've learned to do for myself and if that includes saying nice things to myself, so be it. I need to remember that I am a good person and I deserve happiness, in whatever form that takes. Happiness may be me, living alone, forever. Doesn't sound bad, so long as visitors are around for fellowship (naked and otherwise). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling bad. I'm feeling hopeful and hope to remember that feeling in the future.

Mickey Spanking Snow White

http://images50.fotki.com/v399/photos/1/130607/489873/mickeyandsnow-vi.jpg

I can't post the picture because Mickey keeps getting cut off, but view the link and enjoy!

Sarah Silverman's Spanking

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/04/sarah-silvermans-mom-saw_n_449321.html

A very cool clip from David Letterman.

Monogamy Schmonogamy

(It seems I've lost the ability to regulate the pictures I put up. My other blog shows me the picture as I type the body of the entry. This blog (all on blogger) shows me 5 lines that make up the link I guess and then I can't make the pic bigger or smaller...oh well...)

Lately, in my vast amount of celibate time, I have been thinking about the idea of monogamy. I've been thinking about how in 12 years of marriage, I became involved with other people a few times. AntiChrist never found out and we never discussed the idea of monogamy, because for him, I'm sure it was a given, that we were. But even as I spent 1/3 of my life on the ultimately futile task of getting him to love me, I thought on more than one occasion, that if he had approached me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not have had an issue with it. Not in the least. Now that I am on my own and occasionally pondering my future, my mind falls more and more on the idea of polyamory. (Why does blogger/my computer tell me I'm spelling this wrong when I am not, according to dictionary.com?)
Can you be in a loving, committed relationship and NOT practice monogamy? Obviously, like everything in life, from playing bridge to spanking, it depends on the people. It depends on open, honest communication about your needs and desires. Beyond that, I just don't know.
My thoughts turn to my own experiences in relationships with people who were not as available as I would have liked and also Tiger Woods. The press is having a field day crucifying the man. His wife is the stunningly beautiful victim of his insatiable and horrific and selfish desires.
But has anyone thought, well maybe it's her unrealistic adherence to the old interpretation of the wedding vows? Maybe people shouldn't be denied pursuing relationships they find stimulating outside of the relationship they are committed to.
I'm not even sure what is involved anymore, having had 12 years pass since I took any.
"Do you promise to love, honor and cherish..." check, check & check.
I'm not sure people say "Cleave thee only unto her...for as long as you both shall live"
But the interesting thing is this...there are TWO definitions of Cleave, both verbs.
a) To adhere closely to, stick, cling. To remain faithful
b) To split or divide, to penetrate or pass through.

I don't know many ministers who would let you introduce the idea of an open relationship in wedding vows, but we are still a fairly young century and I'm holding out hope!

I feel like I'm in a unique position because my marriage is over and I am completely single, so I am not coming at this with the perspective of someone in the middle of a bad relationship. But it is something that fascinates me.

I love you, I am committed to you (committed...let me pull out the dictionary again)...I want to be in a relationship with you...but if I meet someone who interests me or I'm attracted to, then I want to feel that I am free to pursue that.

It could be argued, I suppose, that this in increasing the possibility of a partner finding someone else, falling in love with them and leaving you. I would argue how many times does that happen when people are pursuing the "traditional monogamous" relationships. How many people, every year, find themselves blindsided and devastated because their hopes and dreams turned out to be built on quicksand? I don't mean to belittle or diminish the pain and suffering these people go through, but what if you entered into serious relationships with it with a little more acceptance of the idea that your partner is going to be attracted to other people, your partner may want to pursue that and you may as well and that's okay?

What if you trust your partner to be honest with you. "I've met this person, I want to see where it goes, but I love you and I want to be with you and I'm being careful..."
I stress the importance of being honest, but of course, playing both sides of the coin, does such an arrangement undermine the commitment you have to your partner? Does it take something away? I'm not saying that a person or their partner should be out screwing everything that moves, but what if having that freedom kept a person from becoming bored and stagnated in their relationship? What if that freedom kept them more interested at home? Just a theory...and like others (lone gunman for example)...it may not pan out.

I'm sure it's easier said than done for most. But would life be easier if it weren't? I'm not big on labels, monogamy, polyamory (although I LOVE the way that word sounds), married, heterosexual, homo, bi-, but these are just the thoughts floating around.

I met someone 4 years ago and he is one of my best friends. We share a lot and he is aware of some of my tastes and preferences, in a sort of vague, general way. Around the same time Mr. Wonderful and I ended, my friend was dealt a devastating loss when his own partner of 14 years or so, was taken from him. I've known for sometime that I had feelings for him, beyond friendship, however I never acted on it because I knew and cared about his partner and they were in a "traditional, monogamous" relationship. So now, although it is way too soon for either of us to really pursue anything romantically (and I'm not sure he's interested although I have a hard time believing he's unaware), I do find myself wondering about the future, not just with him but with anyone I may meet.
"Okay, not only am I going to need you to dominate me, spank me and tie me up, I'm also going to need to be able to see other people, even if we're serious and committed to each other..."
Oh yes...this is going to be interesting!

I Miss Sex

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.

A Question for my friends out there

A question for my friends out there...

Has anyone ever heard of or been involved in a relationship where the Dominant member of the relationship forces the sub to discipline the Dom?

It's a fantasy I had in my mind and was wondering if anyone knew of this kind of situation in real life?

In my mind, the Dom is a woman and her sub must submit to her wishes, obviously, but one of her demands is that the sub tie her (The Dom) up, spank her, etc. and the sub is in big trouble and subject to his/her own discipline if the Dom is not satisfied with the punishment she's requiring her sub to administer...to the Dom.

Anyone confused yet?

Just wondering! Thanks! I'll be back soon. Crazy couple months...life goes on.