Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Most of my childhood, all I ever wanted to do was stay up later. My mother would sometimes let us stay up on Friday nights when we begged her to let us watch "The Midnight Special". (Showing my age!) We rarely made it past 10:30! The whole point of being a grown up is that you are allowed to stay up as late as you want, right? Right now, I am going through a phase of being exhausted...a lot! And it's not all physical exhaustion, although working 2 jobs, 1 of which I have to wake up at 4:15 am for, is certainly no walk in the park. And there's my 12 step program, stuff at church, which I haven't been attending as much as I should oh and there's that person I gave birth to 8 1/2 years ago and ALL her activities. So yes, time wise, duty wise, I am very busy and generally am trying to do all this on about 5 hours of sleep, which both B. (my 12 step sponsor) and Mr. Wonderful (my body servant (HAHA) ) have informed me is NOT enough. And they are right.
But I'm also exhausted emotionally. I'm ending a marriage and no matter how badly I want to end it (and please believe me, I WANT TO END IT!!!), it's going to take a toll emotionally. There are money issues, there is the fact that I am still living w/ my ex for no more than the next 8 weeks. There are the issues with Mr. Wonderful. Okay 1 issue with Mr. Wonderful and that is sadness when we leave each other. B. says it's a completely natural emotion to feel and I know I need to learn to deal with it without using. I need to acknowledge my feelings, I need to accept them. I am proud that I don't dwell on these feelings when we are together. I'm glad I don't ruin the time we have by going over and over again in my mind how fate (my word not his) brought us together to have this perfect relationship surrounded by imperfect circumstances. And it's not like I'm hysterically sobbing and having a break down whenever we part, it's just this tiny sadness that doesn't really go away. But it keeps the tiny sadness about my marriage company in my heart, and that's okay. The big picture, I guess, is that I'm no good to anyone if I'm not healthy. Or as Master mentioned to S. today in an email "How long does it take to take a vitamin?" And they are all right. But taking care of myself is also another thing I have to do alone and again that makes me sad. I read all these wonderful blogs about these women whose partners are helping them to stay healthy, even going so far as punishing them when they don't. And I know he worries about me and I know he loves me, but there's only so much time.
Mr. Wonderful wants to talk a little about when I'm single. I'm scared. I don't want to talk about it. I want to be happy now, I want to kiss him and fuck his brains out. I want him to smile at me and pull my hair and spank me and tell me he loves me. I want to pretend for awhile longer. At least until I've had a chance to rest...