Exhaustion

Most of my childhood, all I ever wanted to do was stay up later. My mother would sometimes let us stay up on Friday nights when we begged her to let us watch "The Midnight Special". (Showing my age!) We rarely made it past 10:30! The whole point of being a grown up is that you are allowed to stay up as late as you want, right? Right now, I am going through a phase of being exhausted...a lot! And it's not all physical exhaustion, although working 2 jobs, 1 of which I have to wake up at 4:15 am for, is certainly no walk in the park. And there's my 12 step program, stuff at church, which I haven't been attending as much as I should oh and there's that person I gave birth to 8 1/2 years ago and ALL her activities. So yes, time wise, duty wise, I am very busy and generally am trying to do all this on about 5 hours of sleep, which both B. (my 12 step sponsor) and Mr. Wonderful (my body servant (HAHA) ) have informed me is NOT enough. And they are right.
But I'm also exhausted emotionally. I'm ending a marriage and no matter how badly I want to end it (and please believe me, I WANT TO END IT!!!), it's going to take a toll emotionally. There are money issues, there is the fact that I am still living w/ my ex for no more than the next 8 weeks. There are the issues with Mr. Wonderful. Okay 1 issue with Mr. Wonderful and that is sadness when we leave each other. B. says it's a completely natural emotion to feel and I know I need to learn to deal with it without using. I need to acknowledge my feelings, I need to accept them. I am proud that I don't dwell on these feelings when we are together. I'm glad I don't ruin the time we have by going over and over again in my mind how fate (my word not his) brought us together to have this perfect relationship surrounded by imperfect circumstances. And it's not like I'm hysterically sobbing and having a break down whenever we part, it's just this tiny sadness that doesn't really go away. But it keeps the tiny sadness about my marriage company in my heart, and that's okay. The big picture, I guess, is that I'm no good to anyone if I'm not healthy. Or as Master mentioned to S. today in an email "How long does it take to take a vitamin?" And they are all right. But taking care of myself is also another thing I have to do alone and again that makes me sad. I read all these wonderful blogs about these women whose partners are helping them to stay healthy, even going so far as punishing them when they don't. And I know he worries about me and I know he loves me, but there's only so much time.
Mr. Wonderful wants to talk a little about when I'm single. I'm scared. I don't want to talk about it. I want to be happy now, I want to kiss him and fuck his brains out. I want him to smile at me and pull my hair and spank me and tell me he loves me. I want to pretend for awhile longer. At least until I've had a chance to rest...

Communities

This weekend, Mr. Wonderful signed up for a conference of sorts, where people were getting together to discuss the end of the world as it relates to the Bible, etc. He said he was doing it for research for a book. He was kind enough to get me a room where they were having the conference. So throughout the weekend, I was able to mock him with my bruise, which no longer hurts but is getting more gruesome by the day. I need to stop teasing him before I "tease" myself out of any discipline EVER AGAIN! But this morning, before he returned to the room, I went down to the lobby and stood in line for a free omelet the hotel offered to guests. And I started looking around at the people who were there, most of them from this conference. The main core of the conference seemed to be Jewish (and Mr. Wonderful said there was a significant portion of 1 lecture that discussed how Jesus Christ was not the Messiah, in keeping with Jewish beliefs, etc.), but the conference goers had a wide array of looks to them. There were people who observed the Jewish tradition of wearing the small tassels (Tzitzit) attached to their clothes and some were dressed very modern but still had the tassels. There were women with their heads covered and families where every female member had on a floor length skirt. There were women in jeans and shorts and there were men with long beards and some wore yarmulke. There were clean shaven men with no tassels and naked heads. But they were all there for a common purpose. They all had a common interest. Together, there in that hotel, they created a community.
It immediately made me start thinking of the conventions I go to about twice a year for my 12 step program. People with different forms of my disease, people with different approaches and attitudes, but we share 1 big thing in common and that is our disease. That's a lot to have in common. And having never really been a part of a community before, it makes me feel safe and it makes me feel a part of something bigger than myself. So that led me into thinking of the accounts I've read of the spanking conventions, especially from Todd & Suzy and Ginger. Listening to their stories of seeing (and being spanked by!) people they get to see once or twice a year, the way they describe the happiness and fun that is had, and the fact that these people from all over the country, from all different walks of life again share 1 common thing. Spanking. The entire weekend is just making me appreciate a sense of community whenever I see it. What is the point of life? Mr. Wonderful likes to present these existential conundrums in regular conversation and I think they are starting to get to me!:)
But lately I'm wondering if maybe it's just finding something that makes you feel not so alone. The thing I love most about my 12 step program is how much a part of a community I feel.
I don't know that reading the different blogs on discipline and fetishes is the same as actually interacting with people from the spanking community in person, but in a different way, it does make me feel just a little bit like I'm a part of a community. Dropping someone the occasional email, commenting on a blog post, asking advice from someone 1000 miles away I've never met but whom I feel like I know because I've been reading about their life. It all makes me feel a little less ...alone.
Mr. Wonderful asked if I was planning on attending any spanking or discipline conventions and I said no, unless they hold one three blocks from my house and they have some sort of scholarship program, because truthfully, I would love to meet some of my friends I've made in the past couple months and hug and laugh and discuss common interests and hey, if I get a spanking or two in the process, well I can't really argue with that!

Look what I got! :)

Okay so where to begin? This is my first bruise! So freaking amazing! Mr. Wonderful? A bit horrified, I believe but I am doing my best to talk him through it. I did not go out intentionally looking for a bruise, let me assure you, but I love it!
Just to give a little background, the day before Mistress dominated Matt last weekend, Master Matt dominated S., or God love him, he tried. Mr. Wonderful spent a lot of time beating up on himself after that, saying he fizzled. Basically, he felt that 1/2 way through our first session, his true self got distracted by a strong desire to have sex, so the discipline fell by the wayside. I tried to explain that he had not fizzled and what replaced the discipline that day was by no means anything that could even remotely be put in the consolation prize category. It was hot and sexy and intimate and I loved it. But it bothered him, I think, that I hadn't gotten the punishment he felt I desired.
So flash ahead to two days ago. The lady I love more than just about anyone was out of town, asked me to let her cat in, check her mail and have as much sex as I wanted with Mr. Wonderful in her house. (She's just that cool and even offered me her bed!)
I must mention that Mr. Wonderful is a great talker. That's something I love about him. I always thought I was a chatterbox, but around him I find myself more quiet, content to listen and be. I say this because when we got to the house, he had promised that Master Matt was going to be taking over, as soon as we walked in the door and he did. I was immediately powerless. He began by ordering me to pour us some wine. He got a full glass and I was allowed 1/4 of a glass and could only drink when he ordered me to. We sat in B's family room and Master Matt talked to S. for 2 hours. For 2 hours. I was on an ottoman, he was opposite me on a couch. He was firm, he was no nonsense, he was in command. He was amazing. He asked me questions, about beauty, about my body, about some actions that some of the alters had recently taken that unfortunately S. had to pay for. One of the main questions I got was "You have no idea how beautiful you look sitting there, do you?" or "You have no idea how erotic you are, do you?"
And when my truthful answer "No Master" came, it seemed to annoy him.
He & I are both a little paranoid about marks on places people can see. We had discussed it and while I was all for the idea of his slapping my face, the concern still lingers due to work and the fact that I still live with my ex. But one of the first things he did was stand up and walk to me, he grabbed a handful of my hair, pulled it back and slapped my face. The pressure, the pain, was perfect. It hurt, it woke me up, but it didn't leave a mark. I love him so much.
Then he sat back down and continued talking. But again, he seemed bothered by the fact that I have issues with acknowledging my own body. I was a heavy child, I grew up into a heavy adult. I am a food addict. I don't say that with a wink, like "Oh, I have a sweet tooth!" I have a disease, every bit as much as an alcoholic does and I am in a 12 step program for it. I am currently maintaining a 50 pound weight loss, but in my mind I am fat and I will never be beautiful. I feel a little more confident in the areas of personality and intelligence, I feel beautiful inside, but my looks? I can't say much. But he can and he does. So between the talking, I had to stand up, I had to pull up my skirt, eventually I had to remove my panties and my thigh highs and I had to turn around and let him observe me. He would compliment my legs and my ass, right before he started hitting them with his hand. Now he has slapped my ass before, sometimes pretty hard, and I would get a tingle and it would quickly dissipate. This was more blows, harder, definitely faster and it felt almost like he was back handing me. I don't know if he was or not and I wasn't about to ask, because I was terrified. Terrified that if I broke from my sub role, that he would get paranoid about "hurting me" and stop. Master Matt orders S., every time they are together, to say the safety word out loud before they start and I do. But he was on a roll that day. And he really liked me turning around so he could look at my ass and compliment it and then beat it some more. The only time I almost laughed was when he told me "Turn around" like 10 times in 20 seconds. I think the wine was getting to both of us but suddenly the hokey pokey theme sprung into my head but I focused and got through it.
We have a few light paddles, we have the rubber riding crop and I think we still have the unused as yet spatula. They all remained in the bag because Master Matt, for the first time in the almost 5 months I've known him, wore a belt. Now I had mentioned a belt once and apparently he took it to heart, but I guess in my mind, I was thinking we'd work our way up to it. Apparently not.
Eventually, after the talking had mostly ceased, I had to bend over the ottoman. He was still talking some, but I could hear him take the belt off. I was nervous and excited and scared some. And then he started.
My first REAL punishment and WOW is about all I can say. I don't think he doubled the belt and I can't say for sure if it would have made a difference but that belt was really intense. The first few times it hit, it was like it almost didn't register right away. It felt light, almost like it was dancing on my skin and the horrific burning came like 2 seconds later. And maybe I was expecting him to hit me once or twice, stop and lecture more, hit me some more...I'm not 100% what I was expecting, but he just kept going. All I could think was "I WILL NOT use my safety word! I don't care what he does!" because the thing is, the safety word felt like it wasn't going to just stop his action, to me it felt like it was going to snap him back into Mr. Wonderful mode and that was the last thing I wanted at that moment. Plus, this discipline is what I said I wanted. This is what I had been looking for for almost 40 years! I was NOT going to let this go. If I hated it, I could reassess but not until he said the discipline was done. He went on to bend me over the kitchen island and reapply the belt, and holy crap, I almost forgot why I wanted to do this, that thing REALLY stung. But again, I bit my tongue because I wanted this. And I really think he did too.
Reality did eventually break the spell, because it was afternoon and the room we were in had windows everywhere so he suddenly caught sight of all these welts on my skin and said we were stopping. I was a little relieved. I was a little disappointed. I felt so much love for him at that moment it made me want to cry.
I'm not sure about his aim. It felt like the belt was hitting my entire ass in different places, but the soreness and the bruising was on the outer side of my ass, almost closer to my thigh. Weird. But the soreness was there. I felt it the next day. And the next. This is what I wanted. Now I've had it. Not sure about the belt, but that's not my decision. And I LOVE that it's not my decision. I just know I want more of Master. More lecturing, more slapping my face, more punishment, more everything. When I'm dominating, I feel powerful and sexy. When I'm submitting, I feel cared for and appreciated. Even though these things are all in the "fantasy realm" for us, the feelings they evoke are still very real for me.
He wanted a critique of how he did. All I said was it was all wonderful. Maybe he wants more specifics, but I don't really want to get into that. It feels like telling him "This was good, that not so great" almost undermines his dominance. I love that we communicate so well, but I really don't want to Top from the Bottom and the more I let him truly, truly take control, the more I can forget. Forget that my submission is just part of a fantasy, forget that in reality things that are very hard to accept hit us in the face every day. Forgetting and just letter Master do as he wishes to my body, getting what I've wanted for my entire life with someone I love and completely 100% trust, letting go of everything for a few wonderful hours, those are the true fantasies I'm trying to indulge.

Hi Quality Domination at a Reasonable Cost

So it was Sunday. We had gotten a room Saturday and spent a few wonderful, glorious hours in it and then realized we were both free to return on Sunday! This NEVER happens!!!! And I knew exactly how I wanted to spend some of that time. Dominating Mr. Wonderful. When he knocked on the door, I was waiting, sitting in a chair, acting aloof and bored. I was in a black bra and panties, black heels and (what I knew would be the kicker for him) black fishnet thigh highs he asked me to buy but had never seen me wear. My legs were crossed, my hair was pulled back, even I had to admit, I did not look too shabby. When he came in, he just looked at me a moment. I found it very easy to stay in character and I ordered him to take a shower. He took off his clothes and went into the bathroom, after a meek "Yes Mistress." When he came out, he was told to get on the bed. Then he was given a sleep mask and told to put it on.

**I am going to stop for a moment with a quick side note...I think I'm going to write a book called "Dominating on a budget", because as a soon to be single mother, I must admit that I have to be frugal about the things I buy period, much less for having crazy sex in a motel room, which he is always kind enough to pay for. (The room! Not the sex!)
So what I had that day to play with was a pink leopard print sleep mask my daughter no longer used, I had the Hannah Montana paddle the ball had broken off of and a regular wooden paddle ball paddle that cost $1.25 maybe, I had a big bunch of feathers attached to a string. This was actuallly a cat toy I had cut the bells off of. I bought it for the cat and the cat never wanted to play with it. It had just been sitting in a box at my house, unused. I had a red replica of a riding crop that was actually made of rubber ($4.95), I had ice and water (free) and except for buying the thigh highs, the only real expense I put out was on the implement to be described below. I think I'm off to a good dominating start at a reasonable price, because what I was really using, it felt like, was my mind and my body to toy with him, to control him, to fuck with his mind before I fucked with his body and let me tell you, that was an amazing rush! Part of it was feeling creative. This was a way to tap into something I don't think I ever had before ***


I talked to him quite a bit. I like to ask him questions, very business like and he answers immediately and is very solicitous which pleases me. I moved around quite a bit, doing different things to create noises I hoped would make him wonder what was going on. He had brought rope and scissors, but I chose not to use them (I'm hoping to come across some discount handcuffs somewhere!). I took my handful of feathers and began to rub them very lightly over his body, all up and down. He seemed tense at first, but this seemed to make him relax somewhat. I began to lick (if I recall correctly) his nipple, very erotically and about the time his body responded, I twisted the other. I don't think he was expecting that, but that combination of pleasure and pain at the same moment is something I enjoy providing, I realized. After allowing some drops of ice water to fall on his balls, I told him to turn over on his stomach. I then spent a great deal of time kissing, nibbling and licking one of his ass cheeks, and then, again waiting for his body to respond, I would bring one of my paddles down on the other when he least expected it. Again I felt the power, I enjoyed the fact that he had no idea what was about to happen at any given moment and if I may clarify, in total, I probably only hit him 6-7 times. I do not sense he's looking for the same levels of pain that I am, so while the smacks seemed to arouse him, I felt like a full blown spanking, continuously hitting him, would probably not. I did make him compare the way each implement felt. I really don't think he was expecting the rubber riding crop and I only used it once, but I was fasicnated by the marks each implement left. Then it was time for my surprise. My one splurge (and it wasn't all that expensive). It was the Micro Orb 2000 (Okay it was just called the Micro Orb, but adding the 2000 makes it sound cooler). It was a small "personal massager" about the size of a wrapped tampon in my opinion or bigger than a bullet. I turned it on and while not penetrating him, I did stick it between his ass cheeks and left it there for awhile. I can't remember what he said was his favorite part but I know he said that was his least favorite part, but if I recall correctly, it was more because it was so strange and different, not painful.
I told him to sit up and take off his mask. I told him that I was going to be going and that someone else would be returning in order to fuck him. (One of my alters...I swear this is all fantasy, we do not have actual psychotic breaks!) :)
I swear, the man was on fire. He was so aroused and to me it just felt like just about the most passionate sex we had ever had (and please believe me...that is saying something!). I think Mr. Wonderful is going to be a wonderful sub and I think his Mistress is going to have a blast figuring out new ways to delight and torture his body, especially upon her next trip to the dollar store!!!

Mulitple Personalities

Okay, so we have Mr. Wonderful and myself and while I would not say that we are exactly a vanilla couple, the sex we have is I would say nothing too off the wall, really. Mind blowingly amazingly good, but nothing too kinky. He slaps my ass now and then, he pulls my hair from time to time, (okay more often than that) but it's reallly not anything I would classify as "crazy". Then for a period of time we had S. who was pretty much strictly sexual and Matt, the name Mr. Wonderful uses on the internet, and then at some point when I was bringing up the whole idea of discipline, he decided that I was Mandy (naughty school girl) and he was the teacher who needed to reign her in. And that was all fine. Yet sometime in the last month or so, we've shifted. Mandy was sent packing to Florida for summer vacation (she was never punished, technically but she was kind enough to leave her uniform) and S. is now in a fantasy kind of DD situation with Master Matt. Master Matt has rules that S. must obey. She's doing well with some...she's only had 1 diet soda in like two weeks because she must ask his permission and usually Master Matt says no. She is also no longer texting while driving and she is sleeping a little more. She finds herself masturbating less, because that is usually one of the first priviledges revoked, at least until Master Matt can begin punishing her in earnest (this Saturday if all goes well). He has made it very clear how he is not at all pleased with some of her behavior. (She has yet to take any of the vitamins he gave her) He seemed to have a mental block before, he was so nervous about hurting me. I think we've managed to talk through that, but I guess we'll see Saturday. :) Ropes and paddles have been mentioned and the descriptions have been wonderful, so we will see.

So now, somehow, my recent interest in switching (brought on by Angelina Jolie, 2 posts ago) has manifested itself into a third set of alters for me & Mr. W. Shygirl and Matt.

Now in my opinion, Master Matt is a very caring Dominant, concerned with S's well being. While often forced to be stern, he ultimately loves S. and wants what is best for her.

The relationship between Shygirl and Matt is very new, but it is different. Shygirl is a bitch. She is just mean to this guy, at least in the emails so far and so far, Matt is responding very well to this. Shygirl feels very powerful and sexual when she's verbally abusing Matt (so far that's all they've had time for). She's encouraged to go farther and see where it leads.

Honestly, I wonder if I would be so interested in dominating Matt, if Mr. Wonderful and I were in a more traditional relationship. I think I might revert back to my original idea about the dynamics shifting if you switch within a relationship and maybe not for the better. I feel like, if we were a real life couple (I can't think of any other way to phrase it), I would probably take the dominate side of his personality (and I'm not sure how aware of it he's been before) and submit to that on more of a day to day basis. But we don't have the luxury of trying that.

So once again, I am figuring it out and thank the universe everyday for sending me this person so willing to experience everything with me. I feel very lucky.

RIP

To the coolest guy EVER!!!

Domination, power & a hot girl in leather

So I happened to be watching TV (happens about once a year!!!) and I came upon Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angelina Jolie? God, talk about sexy!!!! To clarify, I am not someone who is attracted to people based on gender. I have had relationships with women in the past. Mr. Wonderful seems to enjoy my detailing what I like about certain women. Recently I sent him a picture text of a coworker, taking a picture of a picture she had of herself (and a relative) on her desk. Then I sent a picture of another coworker, asking her "Can I take you pic so it pops up when you call?" So far, both have met with his approval and then we discuss who I would sleep with and what I would do to her. But I digress...

So Angelina is dressed in the outfit above and she is a hired assassin. Her husband Brad Pitt is also, but neither of them know it. And for one of her jobs, she comes disguised as a dominatrix, handcuffs the "mark" who is some kind of arms dealer, and begins to swat him with a riding crop. "Have you been a bad boy?" he said he has and thwack! "What happens to bad boys? They get punished!" thwack! The guy loves it! Then she leans in "Has the bad boy been selling big guns?" (I'm paraphrasing of course) and she snaps his neck. It was really pretty cool! Anyway, besides the smokin' hot chick, I was just fascinated watching her dominate him. It seems really interesting. I don't know how much I have thought about it before, maybe a random fantasy here and there but nothing really until recently. It seems the more I read, the more it becomes clear to me how much is out there. It's just amazing and while I guess I always thought I was strictly a girl who wanted to be spanked, I find that there is more that I may be interested in. As I was telling some friends during a chat, it's whatever feels natural and a lot of it is feeling natural when I think about it. I think Mr. Wonderful is ready to unleash his full "wrath" on my body the next time we are together, which will be 9 days from now. As I've stated previously, waiting is a huge frustration and a huge turn on to me. It is important to me that we stay on point, point being the discipline, the roughness, the stern talking and the wild, crazy sex and that's just about the order I'm looking for. Sometimes, since we aren't together so much, I think the crazy sex overwhelms everything else...and please believe me, I am NOT complaining about any aspect of sex with him...but I want the full experience we've discussed and need to remember that.

A few weeks ago, I blindfolded Mr. W and he lay on the bed and I spent an hour doing things to his body. Mostly pleasurable although he did let me slap his inner thigh and his ass a couple times and it turns out I can abuse his nipples as much as I want. :) Had no restraints but he was a very good boy about laying still and I also teased him with parts of my body, giving them to him to touch or suck or lick and then pulling away. I drank probably 100 oz. of water in an hour, because I just kept circling him, enticing him, teasing him, making him moan in ecstasy and then taking it all away so he would get just this side of frustrated. It felt wonderful. It felt like I had power. I enjoyed it. I think I posted on Todd & Suzy's blog that I would probably not switch with Mr. W, because it might change the dynamics of our relationship, but I may be rethinking that position. I liked the power as much as I like the helplessness. I'm not sure it would work in a traditional DD relationship, but we're not traditional. In the end, I'm open to what is coming, whatever that may be. Maybe more people should view Angelina in leather. It really makes you think...