Paradox

I do not think I'll ever be able to explain why I love pain so much. My Friend doesn't understand it. God love him, he is definitely able to deliver it, but I don't think he gets it. And how can I explain what I don't get either? I can't explain why a wave of lust rolls over me, sitting in my cubicle, typing away, when I think of my bruises or being sore. I have nothing beyond, "It's who I am...it's how I was built..."
Can someone give an actual, logical explanantion for being aroused by lingerie or a certain type of porn or flowers or jewelry? Some people want to have their neck kissed. Is it really different?
By that same token, I have no explanation for why I bursted into tears when My Friend doused me with ice cold water in the shower. The man has spent hour upon hour abusing and violating my body. He has left bruises and welts, he has made me scream and cry, he has refused to stop until I've begged and sometimes not even then. He has called me just about every name you can think of. He has slapped my face. And I have never, ever doubted for a minute, during any of that, his love, his devotion, his passion or his caring. But all I could think of, as I stood in the corner of the shower, was how thoughtless and mean and cruel this action was and how out of character that seemed for him. And for the first time, in 22 weeks, he asked me "Are you mad at me?" and I said Yes. The man has beaten me with one of those rods that you use to close your window blinds. It hurts beyond just about any other kind of pain. (He heard it's the closest simulation to a cane you can fine) but THIS, some cold water, is what finally pissed me off.
And I have absolutely no idea why that is. If I can't explain it to myself, how could I ever explain it to someone else?
Recently, he began delving deep into our local kink community. I have delved in very lightly, mainly tagging along with him a couple times. I dont have the time and honestly, for whatever reason, do not find the entire thing as appealing as he does. But in the end, I'll obviously go where I'm told. But here again, is where the paradox comes into play. These woman, on a stage, bound, beaten, hurt w/ electrical implements, all different methods of discipline and bondage. And they scream, they curse, they cry out and when it's over who is there to comfort and consol them? The people who have been torturing them. It's absolutely the most bizarre and beautiful thing. And it touches me in a way I can't describe either!!
And I only feel the pull of that contradiction in myself in hindsight. Only examining my own situation, away from him, fully clothed and vertical, do I wonder about the fact that nothing is more comforting, after an hour of what can only be defined as abuse of my body, than when he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me to him, to kiss me on the forehead. And he always seems amazed that I don't hold any grudges. I don't resent him. I'm not angry with him. I never doubt his love for me. And doesn't logic dictate that I should?!?!? But I don't.
Maybe it's a screw loose in my brain. Maybe it's absolutely the exact same thing as a housewife in Topeka who likes her neck kissed. Maybe it's some sort of acting out from a trauma long ago, God knows I've got the abandonment issues. Someone told him that a lot of women are acting out past behavior and hoping for a (different)happy ending.
I can't define it, I can't make sense of it, but in pain, bruised and battered, trusting him completely, I feel like I found my happy ending. Just don't ask me to explain it!

Clarifications & Specifications

“Do you want a spanking?”
Early morning, I had to be at work. My Friend’s voice has been described by some as the booming voice of God. Very deep, very sonorous. I’ve always been a sucker for Barry White/Isaac Hayes type voices, luckily! So getting the question with that voice is an extra bonus. And when he asks my answer is always the same,
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
So he rolled me over. And if 19 weeks had taught me nothing, I had learned this. The fact that it was morning and there were legitimate time constraints would mean short, not particularly intense, just enough sting for me to feel it, but ultimately relaxing spanking that would send me to work with a smile on my face.
Um…yeah…apparently I’ve learned nothing in 19 weeks.
It was fairly short, it was intense, it was painful. He was actually holding me down, which he doesn’t usually do and when he stopped, I was literally 1 more swat away from crying, which I don’t usually do. I felt the catch in my throat and a sob was about to leave me if he had hit me one more time.
While I was still laying there, not relaxed, no floating, recovering from the pain, he wanted to know if I was mad and holding it back. And I wasn’t. I don’t put a lot of thought into my own emotions, because usually there are none. Maybe if we were living together, maybe if we were able to implement our relationship choices into our every day life, there would be more emotions on my part. It’s really hard to explain to myself let alone him or anyone else.
I wasn’t angry. Maybe a little confused but not enough to bring it up. And I think it sort of caught him off guard as well, the intensity and aggressiveness with which he went after me. He expressed, very briefly, later, a little remorse. He doesn’t usually do that.
So what does it mean? No idea. All that keeps going through my mind is that if I were mad at him, what sense would that make? I gave myself to him, to do with as he like. Do I want someone who I have to sit down with and say, “I want you to spank me, now…at this intensity, with this instrument, for this long, until I tell you to stop?”
Okay, any spanking is better than no spanking, but I had this, to a certain extent, with Mr. Wonderful and no I do not want it back. I signed up for this, and if this is what it entails so be it. Perhaps next time I get the question, “Do you want a spanking?” I might ask for a few specifics on what he has in mind, maybe clarification as to what exactly he means by “spanking” but I don’t see that happening either. He does as he pleases and while I may not exactly be thrilled with that in a moment, overall it pleases me just fine.