9 1/2 Weeks

9 1/2 weeks was on tonight. Good movie. I say that because I LOVE Mickey Rourke. Young, beautiful Mickey Rourke, older, damaged Mickey Rourke, any Mickey Rourke. And the movie is very sophisticated. At least that's how I remember it from when I was a teenager. It just seemed like such a sexy movie.
Then I read the book. WOW!!!!! You want to talk about diverting from the original source! In the movie, I guess Mickey is supposed to be "dangerous". We know this because he blindfolds Kim Bassinger. That's about it. He buys a riding crop and while he's in the store he bring it down on her thigh 1 time. In 1 scene, he tells her to remove her underwear and stand against the wall and prepare to be spanked. FINALLY SOME ACTION!) and then she goes ballistic and starts hitting him and then they end up having sex on his table, but he never actually spanks her. Then he gets a hooker to touch her a little and they watch a live sex show. That's really about it. It's supposed to be this sexual, psychological thing and as those go, I guess it's okay. It's fun to watch in that Kim and Mickey were both so young and so beautiful and Adrian Lyne is a good director for a sort of highly stylized movie and his fingerprints are all over this. The biggest draw back though is Mickey Rourke's smile. He is always smiling in this movie. Is he supposed to be dangerous? Is he supposed to be controlling her? He just never seems to be taking it seriously. It's very distracting. Plus side, Kim Bassinger does a really good masturbation scene. Much more enjoyable than the strip tease scene, which seems kind of pointless.
By comparison, the book seems so hardcore. From the beginning, this guy is in charge. One of the first times they are together, he slaps her and then they examine the mark together in the mirror. He feeds her dinner and gives her a bath and puts her to bed and she is in handcuffs the entire time. (I LOVE that!) He dominates her in just about every conceivable way and she can't stop. And there is a scene with a hooker but it's actually a scene in much greater detail, because this hooker actually makes up and dresses the protagonist to look just like the hooker. The thing that I remember most vividly was the fact that the man inserted and removed the woman's tampons. That just horrified and fascinated me and aroused me all at the same time. To this day, it is just the coolest and weirdest thing for some reason. The book is going along fine until the woman has a breakdown and the guy basically dumps her at a hospital and she never sees him again and then it's like she's sort of damaged forever. Not crazy about the ending but everything unit then tapped into this part of me that at 16 had no name and no outlet. I was so turned on by what this woman wrote. She was a complete submissive and I had never encountered those ideas or that way of living. It felt like it opened up a whole new world for me. A world I sometimes feel like I am still trying integrate into my own. A world that still amazes and fascinates me.

Clothespins

Okay, so I'm in a really weird place, mentally. My car broke down, as divorce drawn nearer, things are getting tenser, I suddenly found myself smack dab in the middle of the questions Ginger recently raised in her post about the fears associated with a partner who is older than you, etc. (and all the comments that followed), when Mr. Wonderful had a procedure last week and didn't tell me until afterwards, plus he has guests in this weekend, so the email/chatting connection has been very limited. Plus I get really bummed when I can't think of a clever title for a post!

I'm just really unsettled and distracted (And I can just hear Todd & Suzy saying "stress relief spanking!" :) )

But since that is not an option, I started thinking about some things that Mr. Wonderful and I have recently discussed that put me in a much more positive state of mind, if I omit the fact that I don't know when/if they'll actually happen! :)

Mr. Wonderful mentioned recently introducing clothespins into our relationship. I read a post on a blog about someone who's Master puts them on her clit. The first thing that came into my head was "OW!" and honestly, I always thought that would be my reaction to the idea of clothespins on my nipples but when Mr. Wonderful suggested it, I was immediately intrigued and aroused. Now, to qualify, my nipples are not overly sensitive. In fact, they almost seem impervious to pain. My nipples are numb a lot of the time and for some reason, if they are kissed and licked gently, the sensation is not at all pleasant. Not sure why. Seemed to start when I was pregnant 9 years ago. Mr. Wonderful, being so wonderful, realized early on in our physical relationship that I got pleasure by his attending to my nipples roughly. He doesn't bite them much, although that would be interesting to see how that feels, mostly rough sucking. Last time we were together, he pinched one and it took a minute or two before I felt anything and as he pinched harder, demanding that I tell him when it hurt, I had to admit that it really didn't. They just aren't that sensitive. Maybe that helped me not freak out at the mention of a clothespin, which I hope will result in sensation of some sort.

We had a discussion about anal sex a while back and I think the general consensus was no. He was worried about hurting me, I wasn't too concerned about the actual act, but the last time I had anal sex what I recall was the week or so it took me to recover and that was in my 20's! Now I'm almost 40 and the prospect just didn't jump out at me. So we agreed and were both good with that. But the idea has shifted in my mind and I've mentioned to him that I would like to try it. I got some advice from a friend on different methods that can be helpful and it feels like something that will help me tap into a truly submissive part of myself. It intrigues me how something foreign in the anus, whatever it may be, for some people signifies the ultimate violation, for some it signifies the ultimate act of submission, for some, heck, it just means it's Tuesday! But this trust I have in Mr. Wonderful, and I'm realizing each day it's less about trusting him with my body and more about trusting him with my heart and my emotions, allows me to feel comfortable doing these things. He seems to love the fact that there is nothing he can mention doing to my body that I'll say no to and that I ask him to do things he probably never would have considered.

I told him early on that anything in my mouth, except his body parts, was a deal breaker but even that is changing. If he told me to, if he desired something in my mouth, I know it's what I would do, trusting him 100% to make sure I was safe, to talk me through it, to protect me. He loves me like no one ever has and that's scary. But scary in a way that I cling to. I feel very needy at times and I work really hard to hide that, because it's not something that is going to facilitate much of anything positive within the dynamics of our relationship, but it's there, the fear, the panic, the desperate need to hold him and cling to him. I have to acknowledge it and make sure it doesn't become a liability and it's probably the only thing I feel like I can't talk to him about. Um, my positive post is quickly becoming a downer. But it feels good to get it all out. Maybe that's why God invented blogs... :)