Steps Forward

As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"

So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.

I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).

Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.

Endings

My marriage ended slowly. It was basically an 11 year death march towards its inevitable conclusion; the wearing away of my self esteem and love was so slow and meticulous, I really became numb to it over time. There was no shocking ending.
By the time I filed for divorce, I had already told him 2 years earlier I didn’t want to be a couple anymore. And the year before that had basically been living as roommates and the years before that…not that hot.

Ninja is gone. Mr. Wonderful is gone. And what I have to start accepting is this idea of a relationship being over quickly. Out of left field, life hits you between the eyes and you get the wind knocked out of you. You suddenly don’t know what to say or think or do because everything you thought you knew shifts and you fall down and it gets harder and harder to get back up. After a few years, nothing Anti Christ did or said was particularly shocking...painful but no huge surprises.

I still miss Ninja. It’s been a month or more and I still think of him and wish things had been different. Mr. Wonderful is gone as of last Thursday and I am mourning and probably will be for awhile because things just ended much differently than I thought they would. And even though I felt like the physical relationship needed to stop, I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend. And that’s what it feels like.

At the same time, is there a silver lining? 9 months of “I know the limitations” didn’t seem to prepare me for any of this, but is it important to learn something from a situation right? So this one is: I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone overpowering or someone who always takes control. I just need to be in it with someone who is strong enough to stand up for his or her own happiness. And it kills me that he wasn’t that person. It kills me because I know that together, we could have been amazingly wonderful and it may or may not be true, but it feels like he didn’t have faith in that. He had his own reasons for his choices and I will never judge him for that. I’m going to love him forever, like I’m going to love Ninja and even Anti-Christ on some level.

I asked him once if he believed in soul mates, that one perfect person made for you. He said he did…and promptly started to cry. But I think if I were truly his soul mate, he would have chosen to be with me.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that people like Mr. Wonderful are hard to find, but I also truly believe that there will be someone else out there for me who will eventually come along. And I also believe in myself. I have always been fine alone. Not lonely. Not self-pitying. Just content. Whoever comes along comes along and I will deal with it.

These empowering words don’t prevent me from hysterically sobbing down Highway 70W during rush hour for 45 minutes, but eventually, when I’m ready to start healing, they will be a comfort. I’m confident in that, if absolutely nothing else.

Off to the North!

My last vacation was probably 11 1/2 years ago. A trip to Portland, OR on my honeymoon. So what better way to celebrate a divorce than with another vacation? 5 days in Toronto. Offspring in the (mostly) capable hands of Anti-Christ. Full circle seems to be the theme. 1 month exactly before I got married, we got a tiny puppy. 1 month exactly after the divorce (2 days ago), I had to put him down. It was sad but necessary and is going to make me appreciate the time away, to relax, even more. The thing I've noticed since the divorce, since things have ever so slightly settled, is the silence. I've never enjoyed it. Cleaning the house? Hanging out? Music or a TV always in the background. Now I'm going long stretches with no sound. And it's amazingly comforting somehow. Listening to nothing but my thoughts. So hopefully I'll have time to update this blog once or twice on my vacation, since that is something I've gotten away from and truly enjoy. I'm going to explore a new city, I'm going to see some new sites and I'm going to see what the silence brings me.

The State Fish of Missouri

That would be the paddle fish! God I love this state!!!!!!!

Swift Action

http://www.knx1070.com/Maria-Shriver-Caught-Talking-on-Cell-Phone-While-D/5441013

Copy and paste this link and tell me the FIRST thing you think of when reading it!!! Swift action! I took a quick break at work, saw this story and upon seeing the Governor promise "swift action" was instantly rendered useless and really turned on. And I don't even like Arnold!
I think this incident is a true gift to those of us within our community constantly on the look out for things we can perceive as spanking references in the vanilla world. Or is it just a perception? Maybe even as you read, Maria is over Arnold's knee, having some swift action delivered. How awesome would that be?!!?!?!
At my first job, I sit behind a desk, welcome people, scan their cards for 2 hours and 45 minutes and often, the people coming in are couples. And there are just times my mind wanders to whether or not they might be spankos. Some it's easy to imagine. Others not so much. Maybe it's just an occupational hazard of sitting and having too much time to think. But it happens all the time, especially once I've met someone's partner. I'm constantly trying to see if I can place them in a spanking scenario in my mind or not. There's no rhyme or reason to who fits the profile and who doesn't in the sick, twisted playground of my brain. It's just something about the couple that either clicks or doesn't for me. In my imagination, you either got it or you don't. And believe me, Arnold and Maria...they've got it!

Divorce Present

I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. Something small, tasteful where no one could see it (unless I want them to). I was leaning towards the Chinese symbol for freedom. Something to symbolize my divorce being final. But I wanted something immediate and I had planned on getting a tattoo on Halloween with Ninja. So I opted for something small and leather. It was Slut or Bitch. I opted for Slut. Mr. Wonderful got a few smacks in with it, but this past weekend, Ninja gave it a real workout. Plus, he also started talking about hepatitis and the fact that I would never be able to give blood again (okay I hadn't done all the research!)so this may be it as far as divorce symbols go, but the thing is, it's mine. That's one thing. I bought it and I get to decide who uses it.



This weekend I treked back to the woods for another wonderful getaway at Club Ninja and we alternated between Stinger and Leather Slut. Got a little color from Slut. Got a lot of sleep in the woods. Had a wonderful walk. Met some really nice people around a bonfire. While I think it's going to turn out that Ninja and I are better suited as friends, he went out with a bang rather than a wimper. Thanks Ninja!!!

4177 Days

That's how long I was married. 4177 Days. That was the total length of the marriage. I know it was the total length because the judge signed off today. I am no longer married. I've said I haven't felt married in 3 years or more, that it was just a legal thing and nothing more, but now that I'm legally divorced, it's still odd. Very, very odd.
Anti-Christ came over for dinner Monday (it was his birthday) and he and Offspring and I had a really pleasant evening. He can act normal when he chooses to (which pisses me off no end!), he usually just didn't choose to when we were married. But now we aren't.
I can go marry someone else tomorrow (I'm NOT going to!). It's weird to see someone in passing, just a "Hey, see you" "Okay bye" kind of exchange that lasts 30 seconds and know that you were with this person, every day for 1/3 of your life. To look at someone and think "I used to have sex with you, you and I made a human being together" and to not be with that person. I don't want to be with that person, but it's still weird.
He came to pick up Offspring the other day and he was wearing a shirt I had never seen before. I had this man's entire wardrobe committed to memory for 11 years and suddenly there are things he'll be wearing I won't be familiar with. Weird.
I know there will be all sorts of emotions floating around and I need to just accept them and deal with it. The whole thing sort of reminds me of being pregnant. Before I got pregnant, all I heard was how wonderful it was and how it was the most natural thing on the planet. Now I was really happy to be pregnant, but it was weird. Nine months of weird. It wasn't "I'm growing life...how beautiful..." it was looking down at my stomach thinking "There's a human being in there..." that was odd. It was looking at an empty room and thinking "There are no people there and soon there will be and why? Oh because my body's going to expel them!!!!" Strange! Things strike me as unusual or odd or weird more than they strike me as joyous or tragic, I guess. Things that other people think are natural, I just sometimes have trouble getting my mind around. Of course, the things I do think are normal, I KNOW there are lots who will think those are weird, so I'm certainly not judging.
It's over. It's really, truly over. I know I'm connected to him forever, I know we will always be in each other's lives through Offspring, but being married to him is finished forever and it was definitely the hardest thing I ever did, ending this. And it was definitely the best thing I ever did for myself. And yes...it's weird.