Updates

I miss blogging but as the months roll by, there seems to be less and less time. I don't know if this is a return to blogging, but I was instructed to write an update of where I am now, vs. where I was almost exactly a year ago, the last time I posted. So I figured, may as well write it on the blog!!!
Things are progressing, is how I see it. Regardless of what a person wants, life has a tendency to move on. My friend and I recently celebrate 18 months together (we verbally celebrate an anniversary every Thursday...81 weeks 2 days ago). Our respective mental health professionals are amazed that we don't fight. Perhaps in response to that, we have had some serious conversations regarding a difference of opinion. Just one and because we are both so careful, it never turns into shouting or ugliness and I think that is a credit to both of us. Our plans right now are that in July, 2012, he'll be moving in. So we are dealing with trying to prepare for the coming fallout of telling my child and my ex this in January. It's not going to be pretty. But this is life.
The biggest frustration I have, with myself, is that I find it very difficult to make up my mind, sometimes, about things. And then I worry that he feels that is unfair. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner who is going to support me and help me and that is him. At the same time, he mentions that I keep so much to myself, perhaps hidden would be the word I'd use because we don't live together yet and I want to spare him as much of my crazy life as I can until he's here and has no choice but to live in it. He wants to be a total dominant of my life, I think. And I can't decide how that makes me feel. I love being his submissive sexually. And I know he knows me well enough to know that I will always be solicitous of him in our day to day lives. I'm not confrontational, I'm not argumentative and I will always ask his advice/opinion/input and if it's something that does directly involve him, I will discuss it respectfully and my guess is will adhere to his wishes if it's something that I may disagree with. I think he appreciates this, but he does not see this as true submission. And that's what he seems to want. Full time submission. 24-7. I just don't know. I started thinking the other day that it just seems like 1 more thing to do and I already am going on barely 6 hours of sleep a night, two jobs and the kid. Now I have to seek him out and ask permission to have dinner w/ a friend? Really? If something is important to me, I don't see him refusing me any respectful request, but there's a block somewhere. Even though I trust him 100% and love being under his total control sexually, the real life stuff feels harder. And I don't know how that will play out when we're living together.
I also struggle a bit with the BDSM community he has immersed himself (and by extension me) in. I go to events and I feel so disconnected and resentful to even be there, but then I know how horrible I would feel if he stopped going because I didn't like it. However then I will go to an event with him and feel fine and even enjoy myself. I seem so on the fence. I don't know what the problem is and I can't explain it to him because I can't explain it to me either.
I guess the simplest way to put it, is that life has happened. I am still so much in love, so happy, so grateful that I found this man who is everything I ever wanted. But as I've told him, and some others, the love, the sex, that's easy. That's effortless. I can love him as easily as I can breath. It's the parent teacher conferences, it's the ex, it's the family dynamics and the bills and orthodontists and broken down furnaces and sick pets and violin lessons that are challenging. Love is easy. Life is hard. And lucky for me, I found a true partner who always has my back.
And also luckily for your friendly neighborhood masochist, he's usually got some sort of implement when he does have my back! He has amassed quite a collection over the past year and that element of our relationship continues to thrive and flourish. There are other dynamics to our sexual relation ship that are discussed and considered, but right now, it's just him still knowing exactly what my body needs, exactly what my heart needs.
81 weeks and 2 days and I continue to be astounded at my luck in finding him. We aren't perfect, but I still can't find any hard evidence that we aren't perfect for each other.

That Thing The Rest of us Do

It's different, what My Friend and I do. We read the blogs written so well by others in the community and sometimes it's a wonderful window into explaining things we cannot. But just as often, if not more often, it's different. We aren't married, we don't live together, our time is so very limited. I am very well spanked, very well satisfied, but it's different. I have 1 hard and fast rule and whether that rule is followed or not is, always, on the honor system because he's not here to view and enforce it. We are connected daily, but most of the time, not in person, so he's not witness to any emotional issues I may be experiencing. It's different because I am so adverse to confrontation and so gun shy about arguements that when I'm in a bad place, I don't show that. That's not dishonesty, that's knowing things will subside on their own and why expose him to that? It's different because of all the past bumps and mistakes and heartbreak we both have had and our absolute determination, individually, before we ever came together, to avoid them again if possible. I see the bigger picture and things that might annoy me are truly not worth even discussing because in the bigger picture they are so inconsequential. It's different because we discuss our own shortcomings ad nauseum when we're in a good place, rather than letting the other discover during the heat of the moment "WoW! You're a total stark raving lunatic! I had no idea you sucked on this level!"
The decisions governing our day to day life don't usually involve the other (although that is slowly evolving). We count on each other to be sounding boards and devils advocates, but the decisions I make around my child, for example, are decisions made strictly on my own or in conjunction with Anti-Christ. The decisions he makes about certain things in his life, he's forthcoming with details, but they aren't my business. Not right now.
Things are evolving. He wants to fix things. I don't want him to. But I'm slowly letting him in and he's allowing me the freedom and space to just be alone with my issues when I need to be, knowing I am letting him in more.
But the spanking? It's about sex and it's about my ants staying asleep and it's about him enjoying dominance. And taken that way, along with the fact that we see each other one night a week and every other weekend, and adding in the fact that we both are determined to also do things regular people do, movies or dinner or evenings with friends or sitting and talking...and how easy it would be to stay naked all the time when we are in our brief time together, yes it's different.
We read these posts about these men who spank their women when they might not want it, but when they definitely realize later they need it and they are grateful to their partners for knowing this. We don't have that kind of time and the way my brain is wired, I ALWAYS need it! :)
However, I realized the other day that I needed some time alone. I had some time alone, not in my car and for more than 20 minutes, 4 months ago. I found the opportunity yesterday. And I had to explain this to My Friend. I know he was a little bummed about it, because we do have such limited time. And as soon as I had arranged it, I regretted it, wanting to be naked and spanked and having sex for 4 more glorious hours. But he didn't bring it up again, other than insisting I do something fun. And I didn't backtrack, knowing it was something I needed although it was feeling less like something I wanted. And it worked like a dream. I went hiking, I took a shower, and then, after Offspring returned, I slept for 10 hours. And I peppered my day with suggestive texts to My Friend, because I love him and I can't stand total disconnect. I have to know he's there and just a send button away. Maybe he knew I needed that. Maybe I knew I needed it even though I didn't want it. Maybe, if I had backtracked, he would have told me to do it anyway. I'm not sure.
My Friend wants to know how xyz that we read on this blog or that post relates to us. Sometimes it doesn't relate at all. Sometimes it relates in a lot of ways. But we're just us and we're still finding out what that means. We've been us for 6 months and the missteps have been very few and far between. He started from Point Zero, having never truly dominated anyone in the past and he's doing a wonderful job. I have never felt so loved and so relaxed and so satisfied (not just sexually) ever. I know it will keep changing, I know things will grow and evolve and I know that we will discuss it, we will find our way, as long as he keeps holding my hand.

Seduction

My friend says he's grateful that he doesn't have to seduce me before each sexual encounter. He tells me to take my clothes off, they're off. He tells me to do something specific to him, it's done. No questions, no debates. He may sense a bit of resistence or hesitation on my part, if I do feel less than in the mood, but it's always a fleeting moment on my way to doing exactly as told. It's true, in the traditional sense, he doesn't have to "seduce me".
But he does.
Everytime he tells me I'm "so" beautiful and goes on about how much he loves my body.
Everytime he assures me that things I see as strange or wrong with my physical reactions to things, sexual or otherwise, are perfectly normal.
Everytime he orders me to get a glass of water for myself because my own physical well being is the last thing on my mind.
When he tells me to take a nap on a car trip because he knows I'm tired.
When he asks what my ultimate fantasy is and I say "8 hours of sleep" and then I'm suddenly getting 8 hours of sleep everytime I am with him and don't have to go to work. If I wake up early, he tells me to go back to sleep and I do.
When I see him making these small, very sweet gestures because he feels just a little guilty about beating me a little harder than he meant to the night or day before.
Everytime he reads my mind, about things sexual or otherwise and I realize we are very much in tune with each other.
When he washes my feet for me because washing your own feet in the shower is very dangerous.
The way he exhales when I tell him I love him and he emits this low, gutteral noise of happiness when I touch him
The way he loves to give me an orgasm, but if it isn't quite working out, suggests I do it myself and feels completely secure in doing so.
The way I've been assured unconditional love despite my crazy life, my crazy family and my crazy mind set
The way he plans for a week and a half to boil an egg on Tuesday (including lists and cross referenced blue prints)
The way he calls me at my first job almost every morning
All of these things and more seduce me, each and every day. His existence in my life seduces me. And all of this, before the spanking is even taken into account.

Paradox

I do not think I'll ever be able to explain why I love pain so much. My Friend doesn't understand it. God love him, he is definitely able to deliver it, but I don't think he gets it. And how can I explain what I don't get either? I can't explain why a wave of lust rolls over me, sitting in my cubicle, typing away, when I think of my bruises or being sore. I have nothing beyond, "It's who I am...it's how I was built..."
Can someone give an actual, logical explanantion for being aroused by lingerie or a certain type of porn or flowers or jewelry? Some people want to have their neck kissed. Is it really different?
By that same token, I have no explanation for why I bursted into tears when My Friend doused me with ice cold water in the shower. The man has spent hour upon hour abusing and violating my body. He has left bruises and welts, he has made me scream and cry, he has refused to stop until I've begged and sometimes not even then. He has called me just about every name you can think of. He has slapped my face. And I have never, ever doubted for a minute, during any of that, his love, his devotion, his passion or his caring. But all I could think of, as I stood in the corner of the shower, was how thoughtless and mean and cruel this action was and how out of character that seemed for him. And for the first time, in 22 weeks, he asked me "Are you mad at me?" and I said Yes. The man has beaten me with one of those rods that you use to close your window blinds. It hurts beyond just about any other kind of pain. (He heard it's the closest simulation to a cane you can fine) but THIS, some cold water, is what finally pissed me off.
And I have absolutely no idea why that is. If I can't explain it to myself, how could I ever explain it to someone else?
Recently, he began delving deep into our local kink community. I have delved in very lightly, mainly tagging along with him a couple times. I dont have the time and honestly, for whatever reason, do not find the entire thing as appealing as he does. But in the end, I'll obviously go where I'm told. But here again, is where the paradox comes into play. These woman, on a stage, bound, beaten, hurt w/ electrical implements, all different methods of discipline and bondage. And they scream, they curse, they cry out and when it's over who is there to comfort and consol them? The people who have been torturing them. It's absolutely the most bizarre and beautiful thing. And it touches me in a way I can't describe either!!
And I only feel the pull of that contradiction in myself in hindsight. Only examining my own situation, away from him, fully clothed and vertical, do I wonder about the fact that nothing is more comforting, after an hour of what can only be defined as abuse of my body, than when he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me to him, to kiss me on the forehead. And he always seems amazed that I don't hold any grudges. I don't resent him. I'm not angry with him. I never doubt his love for me. And doesn't logic dictate that I should?!?!? But I don't.
Maybe it's a screw loose in my brain. Maybe it's absolutely the exact same thing as a housewife in Topeka who likes her neck kissed. Maybe it's some sort of acting out from a trauma long ago, God knows I've got the abandonment issues. Someone told him that a lot of women are acting out past behavior and hoping for a (different)happy ending.
I can't define it, I can't make sense of it, but in pain, bruised and battered, trusting him completely, I feel like I found my happy ending. Just don't ask me to explain it!

Clarifications & Specifications

“Do you want a spanking?”
Early morning, I had to be at work. My Friend’s voice has been described by some as the booming voice of God. Very deep, very sonorous. I’ve always been a sucker for Barry White/Isaac Hayes type voices, luckily! So getting the question with that voice is an extra bonus. And when he asks my answer is always the same,
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
So he rolled me over. And if 19 weeks had taught me nothing, I had learned this. The fact that it was morning and there were legitimate time constraints would mean short, not particularly intense, just enough sting for me to feel it, but ultimately relaxing spanking that would send me to work with a smile on my face.
Um…yeah…apparently I’ve learned nothing in 19 weeks.
It was fairly short, it was intense, it was painful. He was actually holding me down, which he doesn’t usually do and when he stopped, I was literally 1 more swat away from crying, which I don’t usually do. I felt the catch in my throat and a sob was about to leave me if he had hit me one more time.
While I was still laying there, not relaxed, no floating, recovering from the pain, he wanted to know if I was mad and holding it back. And I wasn’t. I don’t put a lot of thought into my own emotions, because usually there are none. Maybe if we were living together, maybe if we were able to implement our relationship choices into our every day life, there would be more emotions on my part. It’s really hard to explain to myself let alone him or anyone else.
I wasn’t angry. Maybe a little confused but not enough to bring it up. And I think it sort of caught him off guard as well, the intensity and aggressiveness with which he went after me. He expressed, very briefly, later, a little remorse. He doesn’t usually do that.
So what does it mean? No idea. All that keeps going through my mind is that if I were mad at him, what sense would that make? I gave myself to him, to do with as he like. Do I want someone who I have to sit down with and say, “I want you to spank me, now…at this intensity, with this instrument, for this long, until I tell you to stop?”
Okay, any spanking is better than no spanking, but I had this, to a certain extent, with Mr. Wonderful and no I do not want it back. I signed up for this, and if this is what it entails so be it. Perhaps next time I get the question, “Do you want a spanking?” I might ask for a few specifics on what he has in mind, maybe clarification as to what exactly he means by “spanking” but I don’t see that happening either. He does as he pleases and while I may not exactly be thrilled with that in a moment, overall it pleases me just fine.

Spanking vs. Orgasm

“Orgasm schmorgasm! Just hit me harder!” these are the words I uttered and keep being reminded of.
My friend, as if I really need to point out, is NOT a switch and has no interest in being submissive. Therefore, in my opinion, as a man (a WONDERFUL man!!) he loves having orgasms. Nothing wrong with that.
He also loves me having orgasms. The people I know would say this is a really nice problem to have (and I’m not calling it a problem).
But there are differences. I am the type of person who has to have a fantasy in her head in order to have an orgasm. If my mind is blank, it won’t happen. And I have a very active fantasy life, so it’s usually not that big a deal, but it is effort. I do have to conjure something up and as My Friend plays my body like a fiddle (BIG GRIN!), if I find what is in my head isn’t working, then I have to draw upon my backlog of other fantasies. (Lately, the recurring theme has been spanking scenarios with 60’s television characters).
My Friend understands that and has never made it seem wrong or odd. In fact, the most wonderful thing about this man is that nothing is wrong. The fact that I can only cum with his fingers, the fact that I can only cum with his fingers in maybe 2 certain areas on my body, the fact that he has a hard time moving his fingers because I clamp his wrist between my thighs with all my might when he’s in the best spot. The fact that my body is so overly sensitive and ticklish and weird. He calls it challenging which makes me love him even more. All this? My body? My orgasms? The fantasies and positioning they require as a result of my screwed up body? It’s complicated.
Spanking is simple. It’s so simple and when I’m being spanked, my mind feels 100% relaxed. Practically blank. I can talk and joke and laugh or yell or cry out or scream, but it’s all just a reaction to him. I don’t have to think about anything. My entire body relaxes, even though it may not seem like it because I’m squirming or moving. I don’t even wonder what’s he going to use next or do next, because I am so detached from my mind. It’s a vacation from everything. I can ride the high for a pretty good chunk of time when he’s done, but it’s not the same, because my mind is revving back up. And that’s okay, because I’ve had my get away.
There is also the fact that a really good spanking gets me so over aroused and it is almost impossible to have an orgasm after that. (I think that’s where the aforementioned “Orgasm Schorgasm!” phrase came into existence).
I love orgasms, don’t get me wrong, but if I don’t get an orgasm, it has never disappointed me. I’m so satisfied from the other things we’re doing; I very rarely have a desire to masturbate anymore.
And honestly, I’m not leaving his house frustrated if I don’t get a spanking (although luckily I rarely leave without 1 or the other), but given the choice, I just always seem to choose the spanking...my vacation from reality and all cognizant thought process. My stress goes away, sometimes only temporarily, but it’s gone. I’m not worried or anxious. It’s like I’m in paradise and all I have to do to get there is bend over.

Ropes

Sometimes there's nothing like being in a relationship with a former Boy Scout!